Page 9 of Before You
Should I tell him to turn around?Absolutely. But is it what comes out of my mouth?Hell no.
“No, it’s settling.”
It’s settling because JJ is being himself, and it’s calming my thoughts.
He smiles again and I greedily commit it to my memory. “Good. Have you seen this one part of campus?” JJ asks, and now I’m confused.
“What part are you asking about?”
“Whatever part you haven’t seen.”
It reminds me of how JJ was my tour guide in France. Except, unlike the little countryside town, there’s no part of this campus I haven’t seen. My dad usually makes it out here once a year for lacrosse and school fundraisers. He’s brought me andmy brother, Kaden, countless times. I think he shed a few tears when I said I was transferring here.
“The sculpture garden, I haven’t seen the sculpture garden,” I lie, instantly feeling horrible, but not horrible enough to tell him I’ve seen everything. JJ knows I have a boyfriend, and he’s made it clear he isn’t going to try anything.
“What a coincidence! There’s a spot to turn around right next to the sculpture gardens,” JJ says, going in the opposite direction of my apartment and toward the gardens.
“Can I ask you something?”
“You can ask me anything you want, Marley.”
“How’s your family? Did your sister ever tell that guy how she felt about him?” It’s something I’ve wondered about in passing ever since. The way he spoke about his family is one of the reasons I fell for JJ. I could tell how much they meant to him.
“She did. They’re on a trip, and Henry’s actually going to propose while they’re there,” JJ says, but then his face falls for a moment, quickly masked with a smile. “My family is a longer story for another time. My brother, Bailey, ran away a year and a half ago. He calls me every couple months to check in, and it’s just . . .a lot.No one here knows about it, except Asher.”
I don’t stop myself from reaching over to rest my hand on his, squeezing reassuringly. “I’m really sorry.” I can feel how tense he is, and as his gaze slides to meet mine, I pull my hand back, trying to respect his personal space I invaded. “I’m sorry,” I repeat for a completely different reason. “I shouldn’t have done that.”
“It’s okay, Marley. I don’t mind,” he says. There’s a long pause of silence before he clears his throat, his cheeks pinking. “Um, this might be a little awkward, but I’d like to clarify I wasn’t in my room jerking off before I came downstairs. The guys like to bust my balls for not having a girlfriend, so it’s a running joke. I was on the phone with my sister.”
I laugh, because I’m not sure how to respond. “Good to know. Where are they going for their trip?”
“They’re at my parents’ house in France for a few days.” His smile returns, however it’s nowhere near as vibrant as before.
“I’m so jealous they get to be in the same town as those pastries. I’ve thought about them nearly as much as I’ve thought about you.” The words fall from my mouth, and JJ’s head snaps to look at me.Oh shit. What is wrong with me?
“I told her the same thing earlier, but if Henry’s smart, he’ll put the ring in the pastry and propose to her that way,” JJ jokes to my relief and the mood lightens.
“So what else has happened since I last saw you?” I ask, not letting myself linger on how easily I slipped when normally, I’m careful with my words.
The conversation flows like a smooth legato, our words blending together harmoniously, and I slip into a peace I’ve only experienced with a select few.
I don’t bother pointing out the extremely long route JJ is taking to my apartment, selfishly drinking in every second with him. Seconds I never thought I’d experience again, and as JJ pulls into the lot of my building, my stomach rolls for the first time since the beginning of the car ride, but this time because I’m not ready to pretend I don’t know JJ.
I exhale nervously, spinning the ring on my thumb. “JJ, I know I’m dating Trent, but I’d really like if we could be friends?” I ask, terrified he’ll say no. I wouldn’t be able to blame JJ if he said no, but I’m hoping he says yes.
He taps his fingers absently on the steering wheel, and I hold my breath. “I don’t know if I’m capable of just being your friend.” My heart sinks as JJ looks at me, his expression torn as he tries to smile. “Don’t look at me like that, Marley. I’m not done. I would never put you in a position to risk crossing any line, but I-I’m too fucking selfish to walk away from you again,so I’m willing to try being your friend if it means I get to have you in my life.”
Logically, I know this is a bad idea, but for the second time in my life, I don’t want to play it safe. JJ makes me want to be reckless.
“I’ll see you soon then?” I ask, and he nods.
I slip out of the car, unable to say goodbye because it feels final, and nothing about us is finished yet.
I’m halfway to the stairs when I glance back, expecting JJ to already be gone, but he’s still there, watching me. I wave, turning as the invisible string connecting my heart to JJ’s pulls defiantly against every step I take away from him.
CHAPTER THREE
JJ
