Page 92 of Before You
“I . . . I’m okay.” His hesitation causes the hair on the back of my neck to stand up.Something isn’t right about this.
The sheets pull back as Marley moves, and I reach out to snag her wrist, stopping her.Don’t leave me alone, I beg silently, hoping she can read my mind. Marley nods, placing her other hand on top of mine in silent reassurance.
“Where are you? Is there anything I can send?” I ask, following the script we’ve crafted over the last nineteen months, praying this time something is different. I’m desperate for something to be different because I can’t keep doing this.
“JJ, you know I can’t tell you,” he says, nothing having changed from the last time I spoke to him.
“Please.Please just come back.Mira and I never told Mom and Dad what you did. No one has to know—”
“Don’t. I can’t. There are people who need me, and I can’t leave them,” he says, and for the first time since he left, I feel an anger so hot, I can’t suppress the explosion.
“What about your family, Bailey? We all need you and you left us pretty fucking easily.”
“You don’t need me—none of you do. You’re dating a Benson, Mira’s engaged to Henry, and Hunter has Kaitlyn. You’re all fine without me, just like I knew you would be.”
A bitter laugh escapes me, and Marley’s hand squeezes mine. Seeing the concern shining in her eyes is the only thing stopping me from asking him to tell me again how fine I am when all I think about is numbing everything with pills. This isn’t how she should find out. “How can you even think that? None of us are fine, but I guess if it’s what you need to tell yourself to feel better about leaving, thenfine.”
“You don’t get it. I thought you of all people would. You’re the best of us, JJ. You always have been.” Bailey pauses, coughing and my heart stutters, realizing my mistake. Fighting with him isn’t going to convince him to tell me where he is. “When I call, you always offer money, food, clothes, and whatever else I could ever ask for. When you see people on the streets, living under overpasses and in camps, do you offer them the same? Or do you make sure the doors of your car are locked, and pretend they don’t exist by not even sparing them a second glance?” Bailey’s voice wobbles as he utilizes his best weapon:his words.“Whatmakes me better than them? Because I come from a privileged family? I am not worth more than any of the other people out here. My life isnotworth more than theirs.”
Despite the torrent of emotions wrecking me, I tuck away the first scrap of information he’s given me since the calls started. He’s living on the streets. I feel like I’m going to be sick, but I need him to confirm it for me. “So come back and do something about it. Use yourprivilegeto help those who need help because living on the streets is not the answer.”
“Neither is coming back.”
“Bailey—”
“I have to go,” he says, and panic grips me as my chest tightens, making it difficult to breathe. Before I can say anything, the line clicks as Bailey hangs up.
No.
He didn’t say goodbye. Bailey always says goodbye and he’ll call soon. He didn’t this time.
I didn’t tell Bailey I love him. What if this time was the last time?
I try to inhale, but my lungs aren’t cooperating, refusing to take in the air I need to live. Hot tears blur my vision, and this has to be what dying feels like, and I can feel everything without the pills numbing me.
He’s living on the streets. How am I supposed to tell my parents their son would rather be homeless than come home?
I’m not sure what’s worse—knowing the clock is restarting and it’s a waiting game until he calls again, or not knowing if he’ll call again.
“JJ, you need to breathe,” Marley says, but I can barely hear her over the chaos in my head. Everything is spinning out of control, and I don’t know how to stop it. I hate no matter how hard I try, I can’t seem to fix any of this or my family, so how can I hope to fix myself?
I can’t tell them this. I can’t tell them he’s on the streets. It will obliterate any piece of them still remaining.
“JJ,”Marley says more urgently this time.
I choke, trying to take a breath as my stomach rolls.There are people here who need me, and I can’t leave them.I need him. I need my brother to come back.
I can’t do this.
Run.
My hand presses against my chest, and I can’t breathe. I would have rather learned nothing at all than what I did this time. If I had just kept my shit together, and I didn’t push, maybe he would have said he’d come home.
I try to force air into my lungs, the pressure growing unbearable as black spots dance at the corners of my vision, and I’m vaguely aware of hands brushing my cheeks. “JJ, baby, snap out of it,” Marley says, and the death blow comes when I see her beautiful eyes glistening with unshed tears. Her thumb swipes under my eyes again, cupping my face, and I can’t do this to her.
Marley deserves to be with someone who isn’t barely holding on to their sobriety. She deserves to have someone who thinks about her more than they think about numbing the pain with pills.She deserves better than me.
When she finds out what I’ve become, it’s going to destroy her. The last thing I have ever wanted to do was hurt anyone. I need to be okay, and right now, I don’t know any other way, even if it destroys me in the process.
