Page 93 of Before You
I pull away from her completely, stumbling off the bed to reach for my duffle bag in the corner. I drop to my knees, digging for the pocket inside the bag. My fingers close around the pill hidden, and I hate myself for it, but I hate causing Marley pain more. I found this one in my travel bag a few days after Asher went through my whole room with me, watching as I flushed allof the pills. I told myself I wasn’t going to take it, but I think I’ve already proven I lie to myself as much as I lie to everyone else.
I force it down before I can talk myself out of it, my whole body shaking as I grab socks and shoes while the best thing to ever happen to me kneels next to me, trying to push my hands away to stop me.
“You can’t go anywhere right now. You can’t even breathe. Baby, please look at me,” Marley begs, but I know how to make it stop. I know how to make all of it stop by running until I don’t feel like this anymore, because I won’t feel anything at all.
“I need to run.” I choke on the words, and she shakes her head.
“You need to stay here. It’s three in the morning. You can’t leave,” she insists, and I close my eyes as my stomach twists.
“Please, just let me go,” I whisper, my voice cracking, and then there’s a knock on her door.
“Are you guys okay in there?” Bria asks, and Marley doesn’t look away from me.
You’re the best of usfeels like a sick joke because I’m not. I struggle to breathe, desperate to escape the feeling of my world crumbling underneath me. “Bria goes with you, and you promise to come back,” she says, and I nod, crawling out of my skin to not feel anything.
“Hello?” Bria calls again.
“Promise,” I say, inhaling a gulp of oxygen that feels more like shattered glass, and Marley pushes away my hands again, but this time to tie my shoes for me.
It’s reckless for her to love me because the only way I see this ending is with our hearts broken in a way we won’t ever recover from.
Bria’s standing on the other side of the door, her eyes widening as I resist the urge to claw at my chest while Marley asks her to go with me.
Marley’s arms are crossed over her chest as she watches us leave, and I know she’s upset with me. I don’t blame her for it either.
I should stay here and explain exactly how not okay I am.
Instead, I walk out the door, listening to the soft padding of Bria’s footsteps as she runs behind me until I can’t feel anything at all.
~
I overdid it.Surprise, surprise.I ran for so long last night even Bria was struggling to keep up, but I forgot how incredible it was to feel nothing at all. The only reason I stopped when I did, is because I thought my lungs were going to give out, only that time for the right reason.
The pills did exactly what I wanted them to. They numbed everything, including the pain in my knee that was crystal clear this morning when I woke up from the brief sleep I got.
I couldn’t face Marley and Bria this morning, not after the way I fell apart last night, so I left before everyone else was awake.
If I weren’t focusing so damn hard on trying not to give away how much pain I’m in—physically and mentally—I’d probably care more about how the only thing Asher’s said to me since I arrived for weights was,“Not here.”Bria probably called him and I’m sure he connected the dots. He has every right to be upset with me.
I underestimated how much taking one pill would make me crave another, so despite my brain screaming for another, I’m not giving in. I don’twantto take another, even if it means having to feel everything.
It might mean I’m screwed for our game this weekend unless Billy can work a miracle, but I’m done with the pills. My kneeaches, but it’s only a dull throb now instead of a sharp reminder of how badly I fucked up last night, like it was before the ice bath I just endured. My mind tried not to replay the conversation with Bailey the entire time. Naturally, I couldn’t think of anything else.
Asher’s leaning against my Jeep, his arms crossed over his chest and his hat flipped backward, letting me see exactly how pissed off my normally easy-going best friend is.Fuck, I’m really not ready to do this right now.
I roll my shoulders, exhaling as I approach. “Ash, can we do this later?” I ask, the exhaustion from everything catching up to me.
“No. Give me your keys,” he says, holding out his hand expectantly.
“What?” I ask, blinking in surprise.He wants my keys?“I’m not giving you my keys.”
“Give me your keys or I’m walking in there and telling Coach to drug test you,” Asher says, his mouth flattened into a hard line as a slow drizzle begins. “We both know you’ll fail, but the choice is yours.”
Funny. It doesn’t really feel like a choice.
I reach into my pocket, tossing the keys at him. “Happy?”
Asher’s dark eyes meet mine, and for the first time in a long time, I feel small under the weight of disappointment in his expression. “No, JJ. I’m not fucking happy. Get in the goddamn car.”
