Page 94 of Before You
I swallow the lump forming in my throat, climbing into the passenger seat of my car without arguing. When we pass the turn to our house, and then to Marley and Bria’s, I start to get nervous. Asher doesn’t have the radio playing, and I’m aware of every breath I take as we merge onto the highway out of town.
“Where are we going?” I finally ask, shifting in my seat as my anxiety wins out. I don’t like not being in control, and there’s nothing about this I feel good about.
“A meeting,” he answers, giving me no other inclination as to what it could imply.
“A meeting? What?”
“The next town over has an open morning Narcotics Anonymous meeting.”
I sputter, choking on my sharp inhale. “Wait—what?Narcotics Anonymous?Seriously?”
“You promised,” Asher says, his voice shaking.
“I tried.” It’s a weak defense. If I really had tried to kick it, I wouldn’t have kept one hidden. I would have thrown it away with the rest of them.
He scoffs, scratching his jaw as his other hand clenches on the steering wheel. “Bullshit.”
“What do you want me to admit? I’m a liar? Fine, Asher. You win—I lied, but it doesn’t mean I need to go to an NA meeting.”Please make me go. Don’t listen to me.
If only the words coming out of my mouth could match the ones running through my head.
“I want you to admit you’re an addict.”
It feels like a punch to the gut and a breath of fresh air to finally have someone say the ugly truth I’ve only admitted in my letters to Marley. His gaze flickers over to me before settling on the road again as we exit, and I say nothing because I don’t know how I got here.
How did I become this person addicted to painkillers?
I know better.I know the risks with taking them, but it started as one refill to help me sleep through the night from the physical pain keeping me awake, and then I kept asking for more because I realized it was better to feel nothing at all than to feeleverything at once. They didn’t say no, and I started bringing cash to make sure they didn’t start to.
Asher pulls up to a small church, and a pit forms in my stomach at the thought of going in and admitting I’m an addict to a room full of strangers who could easily recognize me. I know it’s supposed to be anonymous, but would it be enough to stop anyone inside the room from going to a gossip site and posting something? My face is everywhere right now with Marley’s.
“I get it,” I murmur. “It won’t happen again.”
“I don’t believe you.”
I turn to look at him, trying to swallow the shame threatening to overwhelm me. “My brother called, and I slipped. I’m trying, man. I really am, but it was a bad night.”Don’t listen to me.
“What happens on the next bad night, JJ? Do you have some other stash I don’t know about? I mean, god, the fact we’re even having this conversation right now is exactly why you need to go in there. You needhelp.”
“I’ll do bette—”
“How would you feel if I were the one waking Marley up to go running in the middle of the night while I’m messed up and on drugs?” he asks, the words hanging heavy in the air. Ash drags his hands over his face, shaking his head. “I know how you feel about your family and not wanting them to worry about you, but don’t involve my girl in it again. Next time, call me instead.”
God, I hope there’s a day I can return the level of kindness and friendship Asher is extending to me when he has every reason to be angry with me. I’ve lied to him countless times over the last year and still, he drove me here instead of giving up on me.
“There isn’t going to be a next time,” I say, unbuckling my seat belt. I feel nauseous, but maybe this is the push I needed to accept this might not be something I can do on my own. “Will you come with me?” I ask, my voice shaking.
“Whatever you need.” He offers me a smile I don’t deserve.
CHAPTER THIRTY
Marley
I’M WORRIED, AND I don’t think I’m wrong to be.
JJ scared the hell out of me last night, and I would do anything to take some of his pain to carry myself. He left without waking me up this morning, and I’ve been stuck in my chemistry lab all afternoon, my head spinning as I try to sort through the chaotic mess in my brain.
Bria sent me a text earlier asking how he was today, but the only messages from JJ I’ve gotten were to tell me he was with Asher, and a follow-up a few minutes later asking if he could come over tonight.
