Page 98 of Before You
My entire world shifts on its axis, and I stare at JJ, dumbfounded, my brain struggling to process the information. I don’t know what I was expecting, but it wasn’t this. This doesn’t make any sense?
He can’t be . . . but maybe, itdoesmake sense. This is the final piece of the puzzle I’ve failed to fit together, the edges not lining up until now.
Oh my god.
“I’m sorry. I’m so sorry, Marley,” he repeats, the words propelling me into motion. I move closer to JJ, erasing the space between us to wrap my arms around his torso, feeling his body tremble. “I’m trying. I promise I am.”
How did this happen?
Except, I don’t need to ask the question to know the answer because it’s so glaringly obvious. It was the injury to JJ’s knee. That’s what he meant earlier when he saidI wouldn’t be the way I am.
It was the same for my mom. She injured her shoulder, and instead of taking time off to recover, she tried to push through with the pills a doctor prescribed for her until it was too late. I bet if I asked JJ, he’d confirm that his doctor prescribed the pills,but the truth is, all I care about is that he doesn’t take any more of them.
If anyone should have realized what was going on with JJ, it’s me. Maybe my first instinct should be to leave, but I know what it’s like to love an addict, and because of that, I know it’s possible for them to change.
“It’s okay,” I say, pressing a gentle kiss to the side of his head, my heart racing in my chest. “It’s not your fault.”
“Isn’t it?” he asks, his voice cracking. “I should have stopped taking them sooner. It was just . . . it was nice to have a break from everything, to not feel anything at all. I’m sorry.”
It was a perfect storm brewing inside him.
“Oh, JJ,” I whisper, rubbing his back, wracking my brain for the right thing to say.
“I haven’t taken any since Tuesday, but I almost made it a month before then. I don’t want to be like this anymore. I know you deserve better than to have another addict in your life. I want to get better, so even if this means you hate me now, I need you to know I’m trying to be the man you thought I was. I’m trying to be someone worthy of being loved by you.”
Tuesday morning is when Bailey called, and JJ went off the deep end, only I didn’t realize until now how far he fell. If I’m understanding correctly, he was clean before Tuesday, which explains the change I noticed in him.
I feel my tears slide down my cheeks, as I close my eyes, resting my head against JJ’s. “I could never hate you. I’m not leaving you. You’re sick and you need help, but you’re going to get better,” I reassure him, swallowing the lump in my throat as I run countless moments through my head. “One day at a time, okay? You’re going to get better.”
“Do you really believe that?” JJ asks, and the vulnerability shining in his question makes my heart threaten to shatter completely.
“I do,” I say, because the alternative is unthinkable.
CHAPTER THIRTY-THREE
JJ
MARLEY IS FAST asleep, curled into my side with her hands clutching my shirt like it’s her lifeline when my eyes flutter open. My head is clear—well, about as clear as it can be after telling my girlfriend I’m a drug addict, I guess.
I have a couple of texts from Asher, checking in to ask how the conversation with Marley went, and another from Hunter, asking if I’ve reconsidered transferring to Oceanside. I’m not surprised I have nothing from Mira, but I’m hoping it’s because she’s angry at me and not because she’s trying to understand everything.
Maybe it’s selfish of me to keep it a secret from them, but I have no intention of telling my family about my addiction. What good will it do? I’ll go to meetings and focus on my sobriety, but I can do it without making them feel worse than they already do because of Bailey. I can’t be another source of heartbreak for my parents.
Carefully extracting myself from the hold Marley has on me, I make my way into the bathroom, catching a glimpse of myself in the mirror. I hardly recognize the person staring back at me.
I wish the first thought in my head wasn’t one telling me to get the pills, and a follow-up one trying to seduce me into thinking everything will be fine if I do.
Splashing some water on my face, I hear Marley’s words echo through my head,You’re going to get better.
I feel guilty enough for asking Marley to bear the burden of carrying my secret, especially knowing how her mother’s addiction made her feel after what she told me about it in France. There’s more for us to discuss, but it feels like some of the weight has lifted from my chest, making it easier to breathe already. If she can still believe in me, maybe there’s still hope for me after all.
Marley is sitting up in her bed, rubbing her eyes when I step back in, the light from the bathroom casting enough of a glow for me to see the soft smile pulling at her lips. I love her smile. “Hey, how are you feeling?”
“Better,” I say, reclining into the pillows stacked on the side of her bed I’ve claimed as Marley moves closer, leaning into me. “I’m sorry if I woke you up.”
“I’m not.”
I wrap my arm around her instinctively, tugging the blankets up over Marley. “It’s the middle of the night. You should be sleeping.”
