Page 77 of Bleeding Hearts
“Baby . . .”
I shake my head and sit up, needing a minute, but she tugs me down, swinging herself over me.
Lally grabs my wrists and pins them above my head when I go to push her away. “Look at me.”
Turning my head, I feel a tear escape and slide down my face.
She releases my arms, grips my face like I did hers, and turns it so I can see her again. “Do you think there is any time or place where I would let the person I love kill themselves in front of me?” Her voice is cruel, but her words are desperate. “Yes, I knew it was there, and I knew it would kill me, but better me than you.”
A sob rips from my chest, and her hold softens as she strokes my face.
“You can live without me, Alice, you can, but I can’t live without you,” she explains, her eyes glassy with unshed tears as she stares down at me. I search her beautiful face in horror, realizing she actually believes that I could live without her.
“You’re wrong,” I croak. “I can’t . . . I don’t want to.”
Pursing her lips, she wipes my tears away and kisses my forehead tenderly, her words whispered. “You know what’s funny? They say love makes you brave, but it makes me fucking scared. I was never afraid until I met you. I would do anything for fun. I was reckless and didn’t care what happened, but now I’m terrified of crossing the fucking street in case a car hits me. You didn’t make me brave, Alice. You made me careful because I want to live a long life with you. I want to come home every day to you. I want to see this beautiful hair turn gray. I want thisuntil the very end. I was reckless before you, baby. You made me a coward, and I don’t fucking care as long as it means I get to have you, but knowing the bullet was in that gun? I was brave and reckless for one more moment because none of it matters if you aren’t here. Do you understand me?”
My lips tremble as silent tears trickle down my cheeks. “Then please keep being a coward,” I implore, “because I don’t want to—no, I can’t live without you, Lally. I tried it, and I can’t. I can handle losing anything else, but not you, so even if it means you grow to hate me for asking it, please keep doing what it takes to survive as long as it means you come home to me. I’m selfish and greedy, and I want you all to myself at all times. I want more than a hundred years with you. I want to see you as an old lady with pink hair and offensive shirts, but you need to be alive for me to see that, so don’t you dare do something like that again.” I smack her chest with my fists. “Do you hear me? Don’t you dare.”
My tears blind me, and she lets me hit her chest with my hands until I begin to slow, trying to blink through the tears. “I lost my family once, Lally. I can’t lose it again. You say you can’t live without me, but don’t you see that I can’t as well? I was miserable before you, and there will be nothing after you. This is it. You and me. We’re in it together, and I never want out of it, so the next time you try to be brave, remember that, because if you go, I go.”
“You’ll be okay. Promise me, Alice. You have Alek who needs you and Evan?—”
“No,” I snap as I stare up at her. “Alek has Evan. It will hurt for a while, but he’ll survive and eventually move on. He won’t stop living. My friends will say my death was a tragedy as they get older, but you and me? I couldn’t take a single breath in a world where you aren’t alive. I don’t care if that makes me crazy.So when you go, I go. This world will go on without me, but my world will never survive without you.”
Her forehead rests against mine as silent tears drip from her eyes and onto my face. “My beautiful, foolish girl,” she whispers. “I don’t know what I did to deserve you, but I’m never letting you go.”
“Don’t,” I murmur. “Ever. Don’t ever scare me like that again. Don’t ever leave me again. You’re my entire world, Laila Stewart.”
It’s obvious she doesn’t know what to say to that, so she traps my hands between our chests as her lips find mine in a promise.
Our kiss tastes like our joined tears, but neither of us cares.
People speak of soulmates, and I never understood what that meant until she came into my life because she is my other half. I’ve read stories that say souls are split in two and you search your entire life for the rest of yourself. I was fortunate enough to find mine, and I’m never letting it go again. Without Lally, I’m not whole. I’m not Alice.
I’m a sister, a friend, and a college student. Without Lally, I’m many things, but I’m not happy or whole. She is my everything. In a world where I’ve been fighting to find my place, I found it with her.
Pulling away, I wrap my arms around her, finally taking a deep breath for the first time since last night. She must feel the same way because she turns onto her side and pulls me closer, our legs and arms tangling so we are inseparable.
We’ve faced a lot since we’ve known each other—more than most could ever imagine—but it only seems to make us stronger as a couple.
The game asks us what we are willing to risk, and the quick answer is anything except her.
“Alice.”
I lift my head from her chest, and she sweeps her thumbs under my eyes.
“I need you to know that the world might not accept us, okay? Our family and friends do, of course, but some people out there are still . . . stupid.”
“I don’t care. Why would I care about what anyone else says?” I whisper.
“I don’t want to limit your future because you love me,” she admits.
“The only limit would be living without you. I don’t care what anyone else says. Why does anyone else’s opinion matter to me? They aren’t the ones in this relationship. I am. You make me happy, and I love you. That’s all that matters. I can fight the world for us, Lals, as long as I know you’re at my side. Fuck everyone else. You’re all I need. If they can’t accept us, then they don’t deserve to be in our lives.” She’s quiet for a moment, and I slide up, stroking her cheek. “Talk to me.”
“My own parents couldn’t accept me, Alice. Did you know that? I walked away from them because I knew I deserved better. I couldn’t cut myself down to be what they wanted. I never want you to feel the same pain or think you’re wrong or disgusting just because you love someone. It’s easy to speak about it, but it’s another thing to experience it.”
“Listen to me and listen well, Laila Stewart. You are not wrong or disgusting. You aren’t anything but perfect. If they can’t see that, then they are stupid. The world is changing, but if they still don’t accept us, then we’ll find somewhere that does. It’s you and me against the world, okay? Fuck anyone else. Fuck them all. If being ourselves offends them so much, then I’ll happily do it.”
