Page 100 of Nothing Compares to the Duke
“Some would certainly say so, but he was never like that with you. And he’s the man you’ve always wished to marry. Isn’t he?”
Louisa was being too logical, and far too inquisitive.
“There was a time I wished to marry him. Yes.”
“But not now?”
Bella stood and began pacing. On a thick rug in front of the unlit fireplace, she stopped. “Perhaps I don’t trust him enough. He hurt me so much.”
“I remember how sad you were and that you remained so for a long time. But that was ages ago. Has he given you more reason to distrust him?”
“No. Not since he came back into my life.” Bella couldn’t fault him for anything but overprotectiveness and a tendency to be an enormous distraction.
“So is it Rhys you don’t trust or yourself?”
Bella knew her cousin saw straight through her. Louisa had always been able to. She didn’t trust herself. She didn’t trust how she’d love him and she didn’t trust how she’d handle the consequences if she lost him again.
“I can’t ever go back to being that girl I once was. I won’t allow myself to disappear into thoughts of Rhys and nothing else. And I won’t lose myself in pining for him if he walks away again.”
Louisa stood and approached until the skirt of her gown brushed Bella’s. “How could you go back? You’re not that girl anymore. You never will be. You’re stronger now and not prone to infatuation.”
“New Bella.”
Louisa tipped her head and grinned. “I quite like her. I think you should trust her to know her own heart.”
Bella let out a stifled breath, pressed a hand to her chest, and felt the round outline there. She stripped off her gloves and dipped two fingers under her lace fichu, tugging at the chain around her neck to lift the pendant out. As she pressed the daisy against her palm, memories flooded her mind.
New memories they’d made together.
She missed him with an ache that never ceased.
“You’re right. I don’t want to hold myself back anymore.” No more cold, unfeeling debutante. No more refusals.
She’d tried to convince herself that separating from Rhys was for the best. The safe choice. But it didn’t feel right. Being away from him never felt right. For the past few weeks, her life had been less vibrant. She’d smiled less. Laughed less and felt far less at ease.
Bella tucked her pendant back into the neck of her gown and squared her shoulders. She could do this.
“I should go speak to him.”
Louisa nodded eagerly. “You should.”
“Just a few steps and I could be at his door.”
Never mind that she hadn’t seen his face in weeks and wasn’t sure if what he’d said when they parted was still true.
“Thank you, cousin.” Bella wrapped Louisa in a hug, gave her one tight squeeze, and let her go. “Go back and find your next dance partner.”
After Louisa returned to the ball room, Bella headed for the front door.
Each step she took was easier than the last. Once she’d started toward him, she couldn’t stop. She refused to live her life in fear, afraid of what she felt for him. Afraid of being overwhelmed by her own emotions.
The more frightening prospect was never being close to him again.
She walked past the footmen standing sentry at the front door, both of whom gave her a look of surprise.
The evening was blessedly cool and she kept on, not stopping, not thinking. There was strategy in this plan but mostly it was instinct. Impulse. Not like her at all.
Or maybe it was exactly who she was and always had been.
