Page 139 of Frost and Death
Her gaze softens. “I know, Tove. You’ve said that from the beginning.”
“But I don’t want to leave without knowing what happened to my family and how to break Jerrick’s curse. Everything feels as ifit is my fault, and I want to fix everything, but I keep coming up short.”
Silence fills the air as my chest rattles from my confession.
I care about the well-being of Palaena as much as I do for Axidoria. The addition of duty and responsibility grows the more I seek to make amends and find closure.
“I want to ask for help and show Niko my progress,” I rasp. “But I am so terrified of failing everyone and not removing this winter that I will regress deeper into the monster that I am.”
I brush the tears away as they cascade my cheeks.
She holds my gaze through her own remorse as I sniff through my congestion, gathering myself.
“I miss you both so much. And I am sorry I withdrew from you two. You both are important to me. I don’t want to let either of you down,” I finish.
“You arenota monster, Tove.”
I am quick to dismiss her words, no one understanding my true torment. “I’m at least a monster for complaining to you.”
Betina chuckles under her breath. I lift at her amusement even as her seriousness returns, her lips tightening before she speaks.
“I havenever—nor will I ever—view you as a monster. You are my best friend, and I will always prefer to hear your complaints over anyone else’s.Always.”
Her empathy and friendship leave my lip quivering, I truly am undeserving of her. “Even complaints that leave me feeling confused and frustrated?”
“Even then,” Betina promises. “I will always stand behind you.” Betina dips into a low curtsy.
The gratitude and love I have for her makes the tears more difficult to fight. I bite my lip as she remains lowered, sniveling through my emotions for the purest of souls the Makers have blessed to keep in my life.
Betina takes everything I am in stride, even when I make her angry. Her loyalty to me not only as her queen but as a friend is overwhelming and powerful in its own way.
Braving through myself, Betina rises, and her chestnut-brown eyes find me once more, and a small dose of life behind them gives me hope.
We smile at each other.
Betina leans close to the mirror. “Now, tell meeverything.”
29
A Change in the Routine
Sleep didn’t take me until the early hours of the morning. Fear of my thoughts blurring into night terrors kept me pacing long after Betina and I conversed. Seeing her last night had me realizing I’ve been slacking off, reading the winter and spring away by learning about my magic, yes, but not pushing for training.
Betina agreed to help investigate my family’s dealings to see if there were any answers back home. She was grateful to have something to do aside from helping manage my correspondence with Niko while working.
Even with that relief and comfort, I can’t stop worrying I am behind—that I am doing something wrong.
A dull ache pulsates down my neck anytime I maneuver my head while roaming through my wardrobe. With my mindfeeling frazzled, wearing a dress rather than the set of trousers lying across the chaise by my bed could lift my spirits.
Swiping backward through each gown, indecisiveness weighs in over the colors and fabrics. I settle for a pale blue cotton dress. It is loosely fitted and perfect for my morning trip to the kitchens to see Cordelia and Ophelia.
The thought of seeing their loving faces makes me smile, knowing they will provide anything my heart desires. The excitement of food has me rushing to dress, quickly finger combing my hair into a long plait drifting down the side of my head.
Barefooted, I pounce around my chambers, searching for slippers that will match my gown instead of the boots I’ve worn. I give my appearance a once-over in the vanity as I slip on my shoes, making sure the gown is loose around my waist to conceal all the food I’ve consumed that goes straight to my stomach and hips.
Ascending the stairs, I salivate with each step that guides me toward the kitchen. My excitement is short-lived as the doorway of the kitchens comes into view when I hear footsteps. The scent of cologne and leather fills the hallway, and the hair on the nape of my neck rises.
I hurry toward my friends, hopeful I can avoid a one-on-one with Jerrick.
