Page 152 of Frost and Death
I can’t blink my tears away fast enough as Jerrick ignores my plea, coming closer and closer, my heart breaking more and more, forcing me further and further.
“Just try.”
His voice breaks softly, and I contort from the visible pain etched on his features.
Just try.
Those two words cut deeper than any I’ve ever heard from Jerrick. The repeated words haunt me and plague me. He isn’t affected by the frost yet, and regret and horror of the past replaying itself again in front of me is the only hope I hold.
My heart breaks as I give him a final look in apology before closing my eyes to try the impossible.
A tear escapes, and it warms my cold cheeks slightly, drying slowly, as I turn all my attention to it.
No worries, no fears, no feelings.
Just the focus and awareness of my body.
From my head to my toes, I figuratively run through every nerve, every tendon, every muscle of my body. Searching and scouring for that fleck of abnormality that is and isn’t a part of me.
My magic has always come from my core, the sensation of it being a somersault of kisses coasting up and around me. Yet this time, my power darted forth without any notice, and I’ll be damned if I let it happen again.
“That’s it, good girl,” Jerrick encourages.
The enticement of pleasing him and not failing him increases my drive as a long-inhaled breath leads me to where that flicker of power stems from.
My heart.
My lips quiver as air leaves my lungs, and more tears fall down my cheeks.
I paint the image of my heart, bitter and frozen from the power rippling from it. A figurative hand reaches to hold and cradle it close, and I want to turn away from the cold and the frost, but it is a part of me.
It is a part of me I need to harness and live with.
With effort, I try to pull from past and present, moments that are with and without my magic. I fight to keep my emotions incheck, knowing many of my happy memories are now connected with sadness and grief.
But I push through the darkness, allowing myself to feel.
The first ballad I composed, Runa’s talented voice paired up in the accompaniment, Mother and Father’s loving faces and hugs. Betina’s laugh and taunts like ones I would get from Niko.
The first time I manifested snow…
The wonderment, the awe.
I push beyond, recollecting the brief times I’ve felt comforted by my gift, Jerrick’s presence integral to a lot of those moments.
I imagine his dimple, his spontaneous sincerity, and his kiss. Our entire history replays itself in my mind, lingering most on his teachings and understanding him.
Contorting my face, I sniff deeply through the brighter moments of life I’ve experienced, and finally choosing to wrap them around my heart with love instead of mourning, hoping my magic will listen, will understand.
Dorit’s kind words about my grief being a part of me as well as healing becoming a part of me drift in the back of my mind.
I am not happy nor am I sad. I am both. I am all and so my magic should be.
The overwhelming acknowledgment repeats in my mind. I replay and relive each memory as if they were each a prayer, over and over, beginning to lose track of how many times I’ve repeated it.
The endless pit of regret grows with each passing day, and I finally find my breath easy to track.
Inhale.
