Page 27 of Frost and Death
“No,” I say, trying to push him away, but I am barricaded in his arms. As I wipe my tears and try to calm my nerves, I only sob more. “I-I’m so tired of this.”
I am so tired of the grief, the pain, and the failure. They are constant companions mixed in with my spontaneous bleedingcycle, finding a husband, trying to make my people happy, and the ongoing nightmares.
Niko tugs me to him as I surrender to the pain and grief. Clutching his taupe shirt and drenching it with my tears, I hope gripping onto something real will diminish the dream as well as the despair. The echoing sound of my cries fills my bedchamber like a festering wound.
I can’t escape this ongoing nightmare. I fear I never will.
Niko runs his hands through my hair, his arms sheltering me from the world. It feels like hours have passed before I can focus on my breathing as the different tandem of Niko’s heart calms me, distracts me.
My emotions still weigh heavy on my heart, but duty has pressed itself back to the forefront of my mind. I need to keep going. I need to do right by my people. I need to do right bythem.
Niko grabs my chin. “Tee, I think we should cancel trying to find a suitor.”
I hate the pity in his eyes as he assesses me. I can’t have him lose faith in me, too.
“We can’t cancel,” I say carefully, fighting for resolve.
He leans against the headboard, pinching the bridge of his nose. “I should have known this was going to be too much.” Niko lets out a long and exaggerated sigh.
“It is not too much!” I can do this—Ihaveto do this. “I need to find a husband to help my reputation with my people.”
“You aren’t going to find a husband if you keep acting likethis!”
He flails his arms, lashing out and smacking his hands against the side of the bed. Anger molds across his eyes, his brows, and the vein pulsing on the side of his neck.
I lurch back in shock from the bark behind his words, clutching my chest as if an arrow plunged into my heart.
Niko has never lashed out before. And for him to say those words—he must be losing faith in me. He is probably also exhausted with everything I’ve thrown at him as he’s helped me run my kingdom.
Have I taken his role for granted? Have I blurred the lines between friendship and duty, even the flirtation we’ve shared to the point that it has altered something for us?
For me? For him?
“Shit, Tee, I didn’t mean—”
I raise my hand to silence him.
I withdraw, processing the pity and resentment he holds against me. I squeeze my eyes shut, struggling to bury my emotions.
But the harsh truth of my situation lies bare between us.
I know my grief is bad, but… I thought I was doing better. Clearly, I have been manipulating those closest to me, dragging them along with my grief and draining the joy out of their life, all because I don’t have joy in mine anymore.
Niko’s words repeat in circles, cutting through me like a knife.
I fight myself repeatedly to not let anyone in. But my hopeful heart clung to Niko like a lifeline, and I should have realized this entire time he wasn’t a lifeline…
He, too, was only another grave I will eventually mourn over.
A deeper, jagged rooting of heartbreak seeps in, eternal loneliness looming over me.
No one wants to be around someone with this magnitude of grief, and I should never have convinced myself it was alright to lean on others.
The disdain in Niko’s voice is evidence enough that even those I have fallen for and trust will eventually reveal their true sentiments.
I tremble with frustration at my own stupidity for hoping he might share the same feelings. Casting aside the adoration, affection, and friendship I have for the man before me, I plunge my entire self into the monster I am.
I speak with lethal calm, knowing what I must do. “We will not cancel or postpone any of the festivities, Nikolaj. Now, pleaseleave.” I fight through my monthly bleeding pain, fueling it into anger.
