Page 88 of Rules in Love
Unsure if my whole-body shiver was the result of anger, humiliation, the cool autumn air against my coatless skin, or a combination of all three, I stomped my way down Sixth Avenue, refusing to acknowledge the voice of the man who claimed to love me. “Scar, please. Just stop.” I didn’t. I angry-walked in silence, and after multiple failed attempts to have me stop, Finn took the hint and did the wisest thing he’d done since Nate opened his trap. He shut his.
Home was in sight, and the surety I’d felt dissipated. My old friend panic set in. A lifetime of massive quick judgments and massive overreactions played in my mind. I thought of how quick I’d been to jump to conclusions when I first learned of his aunt. Of how I’d judged Victoria and let myself and her down by staying silent. Of the firm’s partners and my colleagues and the unvalidated certainty I held regarding their judgments over Ben.
Am I doing it again? Am I misreading this? Is this an overreaction? The thing was, I had no way to tell. Years of people-pleasing, of thinking myself less than, had eroded my gut instinct, leaving me in no place to judge a thing happening within my own damn brain. With each step toward my door, my thoughts flipped, from reinforcement to regret, doubt to determination.
Two steps remained. Finn was right on my heels and would never let me get inside without him, but Mrs. Horowitz and her new cat, Macon, appeared just at the right time. “Oh, Finn, my key is stuck in the door. Could you help me please? I need to get in and give Macon his furball medicine.”
Despite Finn’s need to stalk, he was too soft-hearted and kind to ignore an elderly woman asking for help. His delay, though only momentary, gave me just enough time to hit the door, slide in, and turn my key. I heard rather than saw him coming, and my door was almost knocked off its hinges when he pushed his way in and captured my face in his hands.
“I swear to you, Scarlett, on everything I love and hold dear. It was only a recommendation. I purely wanted you to have an opportunity, and that was it. I never told her to pick your work. Once you get to know Jocelyn better, you’ll understand no one tells her what to do. She is strong, proud, and capable, just like you, which is exactly what I love about you. Your fierce, stubborn independence is the sexiest thing about you.”
“And what about Nate? What about refusing to hold my hand or acknowledge to him what you said I meant to you? I felt like shit, Finn. Like a piece of crap stuck to the bottom of your giant shoes.”
He smashed his fist against the wall and growled at the floor. “God, fuck. I know. I just… It felt weird and confusing, and I didn’t know he would be there, and I didn’t know how to react. And once I called you a colleague, I didn’t know how to take it back and kept digging myself deeper. I’m an idiot, Scar. I didn’t mean to make you question yourself. Or us.”
“But you did, and I feel like a bloody fool.”
“You are not a fool. I’m a fool. A very sorry one. You have to forgive me. I’ve waited my whole life for you, Scarlett. Please, you have to forgive me.”
“Stop telling me what I have to do. You may not believe it, but I am capable of making my own decisions. I need to know that you see me as an equal, as someone you’re proud of, and as someone you trust. I want a partner, Finn, and not just in the bedroom. I want you to see and value me just as I am in every aspect of my life. Just like I do you. I refuse to be treated like a plaything or silly little girl that can’t fend for herself.”
Two strong hands braced my shoulders, and he ducked and weaved until I met his eyes. “Scarlett, I’ve never thought any of that for a minute. I do see you. Everything about you is what I’ve fallen so hard for. I know I messed up with Jocelyn and Nate. I get it was shit. But none of it was intentional. I won’t do it again. I’m so, so sorry.”
“You better mean that, ‘cause remember, the proof is in the pudding. All the sweet promises in the world mean nothing if you don’t live up to any of them. Words matter, but actions do too.”
“I know. I promise.”
“Good, ‘cause God help me, Finn. If you bloody well pull anything like that Nate crap or talk about my work with Jocelyn without consulting me first, I’ll…”
“You’ll what?”
“Well, I was going to say I would cut your dick off with a knife and feed it to the cats next door for dinner, but it may be a little extreme. Still…do you hear what I’m saying?”
He winced, and a sly smile passed his lips. “I swear, I get it. I will work hard every day to show you how much I love and value you. I never want to hurt you again, Scarlett.”
“I kind of hate you right now, Finn Austen.”
“I kind of hate me too. I really, really like you, though. Love you, in fact.”
He edged closer and closer. “I need you to forgive me. Do you forgive me?”
“Possibly. But first, you have to tell me if you had anything to do with her changing her mind and giving the project solely to me.”
Three fingers were raised to his temple in salute. “Scout’s honour. I knew nothing about it. It was as much a surprise to me as it was to you.”
Biting back a smile, I forced my pout to remain, so he took my hand, placed it over his heart, and held it tight. “How about this? Cross my heart and hope to die, stick a needle in my eye. I had nothing to do with her choosing your design. To be honest, I think she only ever included me to try and get us together. Once that happened, I was discarded.”
“Promise?”
“Promise.”
A smug grin had his dimples popping, but it didn’t make my heart flutter like normal. Okay, it did a bit, but it kind of pissed me off too.He thinks he can flash that smile and be all cute and you’ll forgive him.He ducked lower and softly, tentatively, possibly wisely after my castration threat moved toward me. I could taste him, smell him, almost feel the press of his lips. I wanted it. My body ached for it. But a voice from within, something loud and clear, told me no, and this time, it was me who turned their head.
“Forgiveness takes time, Finn. I’m angry and hurt, and I need to be alone.”
“Scarlett, please. Let me make this right.”
“No. I’m sorry, Finn. Not tonight. I need to sort things out in my mind. I promise I’ll give you a call tomorrow. But please. If you love me like you say you do, you can show me by listening, taking a step back, and saying goodnight.”
