Page 51 of Secrets in Love
“Wednesday is called hump day at home. Maybe everyone’s at home getting busy.”
“Yeah, we call it hump day too.” She laughed, “I never thought about it that way. Huh, kinda makes sense now.” Instead of taking my order, Candice sat beside me, popped her elbows on the table, and rested her face in her palms. “So, Nate. Tell me. How long have you been in love with Evie?”
I didn’t flinch, didn’t bother to deny. “As long as I’ve been breathing.”
“Thought so. She loves you too, you know. She might be scared to admit it, but she does. When she was with you today, there was something different about her. A light or energy surrounded her, beamed from her.”
“Even when she was hurling on the bathroom floor?”
“Yep, even then. She glows in your presence.” Sighing then clicking her tongue, Candice gazed out the window, and we watched New York pass by in silence. “She comes in here once or twice a week,” she said suddenly, almost making me jump. “Sometimes with the family, sometimes alone. She smiles and chats and looks content, but I’ve always sensed a sadness in her. There is always that little scowl and crease in her nose like she’s worried she left something behind at home, like something was missing. When I saw her with you, I understood what it was. She left you behind, Nate. You’re what she’s missing.”
My chest almost collapsed under the weight of her words. “You think so? I mean, I hope so. I want that more than anything. But I don’t think she trusts me. My past is always going to be an issue for her. She jokes, teasing me that I’m a slut and a manwhore, but I know it bothers her. If only she knew why I am the way I am…was,” I corrected.
Candice nodded like she knew what I was blabbing about, then stood, rested her hand on my shoulder, and leaned in. “Maybe you should tell her.” She then grabbed her notepad and began writing. “I know what you need…the vodka. It’s a creamy, vodka-tomato sauce with mozzarella. I think you could use it.”
Whoever decided to put vodka on a pizza is a freaking genius. That shit was delicious. I ate a whole large, fought the urge to text Finn and tell him how awesome it was, and ordered a small to-go. When I returned to my room, Candice’s words were still in the empty space between my ears.Maybe you should tell her.
It sounded so simple. But how would I even start the conversation… ‘Uh, hi, Evie. I am a manwhore because you stole my heart before I could walk, and I was too scared to tell you, so I shoved my cock into anything that moved to numb the feelings. Wanna be my girl?’
Stupid. Or was it?
Despite the roundness of my belly, I flipped the lid on the pizza box and grabbed another slice.
Maybe stupid was exactly what I needed to capture. I had to be myself and be one hundred-percent honest. Evie had the best bullshit detector I knew. If I went in half-cocked, spurting out sweet talk and romantic folly, she’d kick me in the nuts and throw me onto the street.
Hmmm.It was a right conundrum. One, ironically, I would normally talk to Evie about.Stop thinking and eating and fucking do it.
Before courage abandoned me, I grabbed my phone and sent Evie a message. I hated doing it over the phone, but I didn’t think Evie would give me the time of day in person.
Me: Evie. I know you have a lot on your plate right now, but there are some things I need to tell you, and I need to tell you now before I throw up the sixty-seven slices of vodka pizza I ate.
I know you don’t believe me, but I love you, Evie. I always have. My romantic history is a poor, sick joke, but I chose that path because I didn’t have the courage to choose you. Watching Finn drown in sorrow after Shelby died shattered me. She was my sister, and I was devastated and grieving myself, but seeing him fall apart broke something inside me. I knew then, in my heart of hearts… If I had you the way I wanted you, Evie… If I was brave enough to hold and kiss you and make love to you… If you somehow gave me the chance—the honor—to protect, cherish, and worship you the way you deserved, I would have died if it was ever taken away.
It was easier to swallow the feelings down and become the flirt, the hoochie, the slut, the fuckboy. I shut off the part of me you consumed and only let it breathe and see the light of day when I was with you.
But then you left.
And I was alone, stagnant and in the dark.
I know you don’t trust me because I have done nothing to earn or deserve your trust. But if you let me, I will spend every minute of every day making up for my mistakes and showing you who I really am. I am the Nate you know me to be in your heart.
And I am yours.
Forever.
Nate.
Evie
I am the Nate you know me to be in your heart.
And I am yours.
Forever.
Nate.
I’d read those words on a screen, but I heard them in my heart and felt them in my bones.
