Page 94 of Secrets in Love
“Hmmm,” Shannon hummed, frowning. “So, you’re together, but he’s still going back home? Are you going with him or doing the long-long-long-distance thing?”
I sipped from my tea, searching my brain for another diversion but came up short. “None of the above. He’s leaving. I’m staying. And that will be the end of…that.” I could barely finish my sentence before my tears began dripping into my half-empty cup.
Ryan was on his feet, ripping his baby from her mother’s arms in seconds. “Uhh, why don’t I take Ellie for a walk?”
With her hands free, Shannon drank the last of her enormous coffee, then leaned across the table and took hold of my hands. “You love him, don’t you?”
I scream-cried rather than spoke my reply. “Yes. Yes, I do. I love Nate. I love him so much I’m going to chuck right now ‘cause I haven’t allowed myself to say that out loud. How pathetic is that? I can tell you I am in love with him, but God forbid I confess it to him.”
Slow circular motions were rubbed into my back as I freaked the fuck out. “It’s not pathetic, Evie. You’re just afraid of being hurt. Let me tell you a little story about Ryan and me. We’d only been dating for three months when he went on his first tour. I knew I loved his dick for sure, and I suspected I felt the same about the rest of him. I was quietly confident he felt the same, too. Neither of us had the courage to confess anything, though. I was very much like you, keeping my heart guarded, too afraid to commit to something I feared couldn’t last. And he was too scared to ask me to wait for him. So, he didn’t, and I didn’t.”
“So, what happened? How did you end up together?”
“Well, we said our goodbyes. He left for Afghanistan, and I thought that might have been it. Then, on his second day there, his unit came under fire. He lost a lot of friends in the blink of an eye and was lucky to escape with some survivable injuries. But it changed him, made him see how short life could be. As soon as he could, he called me on Skype and told me he’d never met anyone like me and that the first time we kissed, he knew I was the one. He almost cried because it was so perfect, and he loved me from that moment on. I couldn’t speak because I was crying, and when he asked me to be his and begged me to wait for him, all I could do was sniffle and nod. Then we had phone sex. It was hot.” Caught in the void between laughing and crying, I glanced to my left. Ryan stood in front of the cafe, holding his little girl in the air, blowing raspberries on her tummy. It was so easy to picture Nate playing in the same way with our own little girl or boy. As I glanced away, I noticed two fingers missing on Ryan’s left hand. In all the excitement and confusion at the airport, I’d missed it. “Don’t let fear ruin what you have with Nate. You never know what can happen. What twists and turns your lives will take. But Evie, if you think he may beyourone, don’t wait. Tell him.”
“He is my one. I know it. And I want to tell him every time he touches me. I do, but I just can’t bear the thought of leaving my family behind.”
Shannon shrugged and took a giant bite of the Oreo doughnut sitting before her. “Also, just saying, why do you have to be the one to give everything up? Have you thought about asking him to stay?”
“A few times…a minute.”
“So, ask him.”
“What, right now?”
“Why not? This way, you have me here for moral support, and you don’t have to look into those big beautiful brown eyes or be distracted by those arms or that broad, hard, firm chest as you ask.”
“Geez, Shan. Sounds like you want him to stay more than I do. Since you’re so keen, imagine you’re me, picture yourself with him, and tell me what you would say.”
“Duh. Picturing myself with Nate isn’t hard, but telling you what to say is. Hmm…” She tapped her chin and stared at the roof in consideration. “I guess I would drag my eyes off his body, look into my heart of hearts, and tell him what I saw there…whatIwanted. What is it that you want, Evie? Do you even know?”
With zero hesitation, I replied, “I want him to stay.”
“There you go. That’s what you ask.”
Before I could wimp out, I picked up my phone and sent one word that had the power to change everything.
Me: Stay.
When I was in the supermarket, a lady at the register called her husband an idiot, and I nearly lost it. Inner grit helped me hold it together till I faced the cashier. But when that bitch had the gall to ask how my day was politely, I fell to pieces. I’m talking the ugliest of ugly cries—so much that my sweater was soaked.
All this because he still hadn’t replied.
Me: Stay.
The words sat on my phone. Just staring. Hounding me. Unanswered like an invite to an all-you-can-eat buffet at Hannibal Lector’s. I couldn’t even pretend he hadn’t received it because of the seemingly giant READ sitting beneath it.
Why hadn’t the asshole answered? Surely some kind of acknowledgment was warranted. Even a, ‘Let’s talk when you get home.’
Then the panic-chucks commenced as I drove back to the house. I was pulled over on the side of the highway, saying hello again to the blueberry muffin I ate while talking to Shannon, when he replied.
Nate: Yes.
Crap on a cracker!
Making a miracle recovery, I changed into my new sweater before Nate saw-smelled me and hit the road.
Snow began falling as I pulled into the drive. Nate was waiting, pacing back and forth in shorts, his beloved Wallabies rugby hoodie, and flip-flops, his feet pretty much purple.
