Page 86 of Trouble in Love
There was no ‘Hi, Polly, how are you? How’s New York?’ It was just BAM … “You’re like my exact clone. Sometimes, I’ll catch myself saying the things I say to you, and I cringe. Honestly, I don’t know how you put up with me as patiently as you did, for as long as you did. I just didn’t want you to end up like me.” She paused to breathe, sob, and blow her nose right into the phone. Lovely.
“Nineteen, I was—nineteen and pregnant by a boy I hardly knew. All I wanted was to see the world, but they wouldn’t let me. I was trapped. When I was forced to marry your dad, I prayed each night and day that I would fall in love, and thankfully, I did. God listened. Murray saved me, and I just wanted the same for you.”
I sunk my teeth into my bottom lip, rolling it back and forth while trying to decide what to say. “Are you still there, darling?” Mum asked.
“Yes,” I whispered, stubbornly refusing to let her hear the emotion in my voice. “I’m here. I just don’t know what you want me to say.”
“You don’t have to say anything. I just wanted you to know that I love you, and I’m sorry, and that you never needed to change for me, Polly. I needed to change for you.”
Emotion closed off my throat, strangling the ability to speak right out of me when there was so much more I wanted to sayand so many things I, too, needed to apologize for. But all I could manage was a weak, “Okay, mum.”
“I’m going to let you go, but there are just three more things I want to say.” I smiled, hearing the crinkle of paper and picturing her sitting in her chair, holding her handwritten script. “I am sorry for pushing you into marriage with Elias. That was wrong and stupid and … I’m happy that things went the way that they did … that you found your Luca.”My Luca.
“Number two. Holly told me about Luke Bailey—please don’t be mad at her,” she quipped, knowing I would instantly be just that. “She was just trying to get through to me … and she did. Looking back, I saw the change in you then. I knew something was wrong, but I ignored your pain because I was too scared to face it. I need to apologise for that. And I also want to apologise for always comparing you to her, to Holly. I love you so much, but you look and act and talk so much like me, while Holly is patient and forgiving and not so impulsive. She’s your dad through and through, and it wasn’t just that I wanted you to be like her per se … I just … I didn’t want you to be like me.”
How many times had I wished for that very same thing?
“I’m going to hang up now,” she continued. “But if you want to talk about this more, I am here. Or if you want to call and just tell me about New York instead, that’s okay, too. And if you never want to talk to me again, I will understand because I love you, Polly, and I just want you to be happy.”
The breath I’d held deep inside for almost fifteen years exited my body in a whoosh that left me dizzy and struggling to process the foreign emotions swirling around my body. By the time I collected myself, the line was dead.
Tilly remained silent, watching me from the corner of her eye till I forced a weak smile of acknowledgment. “Wow. Polly, your mom is intense,” Tilly said. “And loud. I promise I didn’t mean to overhear, but ... are you sure you’re okay? We can drive around for a bit longer if you need to. Or we can take a walk on the beach? Maybe some familiar scenery would do you some good.”
“I’m still new to this city, and I don’t want to sound like a reverse Dorothy lost in Oz, but there isnoplace like home in Brooklyn.”
A smile tugged at her lips. “Lucky we’re not in Brooklyn, then.”
“What?” I hiccupped. I’d buried my head inside the neck of my sweater to hide my tears, so I had no idea where we were. Not that visuals would have helped me in the strange city. I pulled it free, swiped my hair from my puffy eyes and took in my surrounds. We were parked off this street next to a beautiful grey weatherboard-cladded home that had me gasping. Shingled gables, Stone paths. A white-trimmed veranda wrapping the entire length of the property. A porch swing. “Oh my god, Till. This looks like the beach houses onSuccession.”
Tilly tilted her head. “Oh, you’ve seen that show?”
“Of course I have. I’m from Australia, not Mars.”
With a cute shrug/wince combo, she exited the car, waited for me by the hood, then led me through a little gate where a dirt path wound toward the beach. Our pace was slow, and I was grateful. Emotional upheaval having aged my bones ten years in days. That soul deep weariness faded the second my feet left gravel and found sand. Each grain sliding between my toes soothed me. Each breath of ocean breeze calmed me. “Do you know much about Greek mythology, Till?” I asked as we walked hand in hand to the water’s edge.
“About as much as I know about what TV shows you have in Australia.”
“Excellent. That means I can tell you my abridged version of my alter ego Nyx, and you can’t correct me when I fuck it up.”
“Sounds like a sweet deal. Go for it.”
“Okay, tell me if it gets boring because I love this stuff and tend to ramble.” Bending my knees, I sank into the sand and buried my toes beneath the chilly grains. “So, there was this chick named Nyx, right? She was the daughter of Chaos and the very first of all deities. When she grew up or emerged from the seas or whatever goddesses do, she would go on to become the goddess of night. Many considered her the most beautiful of all goddesses, and art always depicted her as this stunning woman dressed in black and surrounded by her gazillion children. Two of them were Aether and Hemera, otherwise known as Light and Day. Each night, Nyx would appear from her little cave to block the light of her child and bring darkness to the world. The next morning, the tables would turn. Hemera, the other kid, would arrive to sweep mum and the night away.”
“Aww, poor Nyx.”
“I know,” I squeaked, trying to wipe the tears from my cheeks but only gunking them up more with sand. “I don’t know why, but I always felt some weird affinity with Nyx and twisted the tale to suit the relationship between my mum and sister. Mum was the chaos, Holly was her golden shining day and light, and I was Nyx, the dark, disappointing one that could never shine in the same place at the same time as either of them.”
“That’s really beautiful, Polly. And really fucking sad.”
“It’s also bullshit, but you know. You gotta have a hobby, and I have a very active imagination.”
“I don’t think it’s bullshit. People twist and turn stories to find elements of themselves in books and movies all the time.”
“True. And in some ways, this isn’t even that much of a stretch. I truly am the daughter of chaos. I never stood a chance.”
Grunting on her hands and knees, Tilly crawled through the sand, positioning herself before me and looking straight into my eyes. “Your kids will, though. All you’ve been through will make you the best, most supportive mom. I truly believe that with all my heart.”
The sweet but crushing sentiment broke me. Big, ugly tears no one should ever have to witness streamed down my face and shook my body. “Can I tell you one more thing? Something you have to promise to keep a secret. Even from Rory?”
