Page 22 of No Turning Back
He nods, like that’s the answer he wanted, but his expression shifts, curious now, almost wary. “What’s wrong?”
Really? He wants to play oblivious? Fine. I can play too. “What do you mean?”
“The attitude?” he says, leaning back, exasperated.
I tilt my head. “What’s wrong with my attitude?”
“Well…” He rubs the back of his neck. “Usually when I come home, you’re…I don’t know, happy to see me.”
I run my tongue slowly over my upper teeth, already tired of this bullshit. “When I told you if you left, I wouldn’t be here, I meant it. I might not have left physically, but I am so done with your shit.”
He pushes up from the stool, eyes narrowing. “I thought you forgave me. I mean… all those calls.”
“Did I once say in those calls that I forgave you?”
He hesitates. “No. You said you loved me.”
“And you said you wouldn’t leave. I guess we’re both liars.”
I can tell he’s shocked by my tone. Truth is, I am too. If he’d walked through that door even a day ago, I would’ve been so happy to see him, so fucking relieved, that I might’ve forgotten my anger entirely.
But now… this morning, Angela called to tell me Jordan’s dad was back. It hurt. Not just because it meant Jordan would be leaving, but because I was jealous. Jealous of a child who’d lost his mother.
Why? Because his dad came home.
He’s a Master Sergeant. He was on some critical mission, but the second he learned his son needed him, he dropped everything and came back.
And I know it doesn’t compare, but my husband wasn’t even overseas when my dad died. He was in North Carolina, and hisreason for not coming home? Logical. Objective. Like my dad hadn’t just died. Like I didn’t need him.
Which I did. So much that when he called the next tine, I answered. I told myself he was right. His command had denied his leave. That was the reason he couldn’t come home when my dad died. But the thing is, he didn’t say that. Not at first. When he texted me that he couldn’t make it back, he didn’t explain, didn’t saywhy. And I can’t help but wonder… why not just tell me that? Why let me sit there feeling like it was something else, something he wasn’t saying?
I didn’t used to be this weak, this insecure. I broke up with my college boyfriend because he didn’t like that I preferred hanging out with my pregnant friend rather than going to parties. I enlisted even though my dad begged me not to. I used to be fearless.
And then a ricochet ended my career just as fast. Being told I couldn’t go back damn well nailed the coffin shut. I thought I had recovered, turns out I’m still the same pathetic woman who once begged the Army to take her back.
Markus breaks me out of my thoughts. “I needed this, Quinn. Why don’t you get it?”
“I’m so fucking tired of this bullshit,” I snap, wiping my hands on my jeans. “Alright. So, what happened? Did you find the enlightenment you were searching for, or do you need one last tour?”
His mouth drops. “You knew I was a soldier when you married me.”
“I never fucking asked you to quit!” I yell. “You’re the one who put our life on hold until you were ‘done’ but you just keep finding reasons not to be done.” I slow my words, biting down the shake in my voice. “Do you even want kids?”
He throws his hands up. “I don’t know.”
The words split me open. “I told you from the start I wanted a family.”
“I thought you might change your mind,” he says, trying to grab my hand. “Come on, Quinn. Look at Aiden and Kate; and Lyle and Mari. They don’t travel, they’re always home, stuck with the kids while we get to go on spontaneous vacations. Do you really want that to be over?”
“I want to be a mom. I made that clear.” My chest is tight. My hands won’t stop shaking. Taking a step back, I turn the burners off.
Markus shakes his head, still holding out his hand like I might take it if he waits long enough.
I laugh, sharp and humourless. “You think I’m gonna give this up? The one thing I’ve ever been sure about?”
He opens his mouth, but I keep talking, my voice too fast, too loud. “You get to leave whenever you want. You get to come home whenever you want. And me? I just wait. Wait for you to be done. Wait for you to come home in one piece. Well, I’m done waiting, Markus. Done. I won’t change my mind.” I shake my head, taking a few more steps away from him. “Not about this.”
I don’t give him time to answer. “I want a divorce.”
