Page 104 of Sol
With a deep breath, he kept talking. “She told me that forgiveness is a gift you give yourself. It’s self-healing, self-liberating, and self-empowering. Without forgiveness, you are hopeless, helpless, and powerless. But with forgiveness, while you can’t change your past, you can change how you relate toit.”
“I like that. I’ve been beating myself up foreverything.”
“Metoo.”
I kissed him. “I can’t change mypast.”
“Neither can I,” he whispered against mylips.
An invigorated feeling ran through my body as an idea took shape. “But I can change how I relate to it. What would it feel like to forgive, say, Degan, for going into thearmy?”
He chuckled. “Tryit.”
“Degan, I forgive you, my beloved little brother, for joining up in the army when I didn’t want you to!” I called out. Chills sliced down my arms. “Is it thateasy?”
“Yeah. I think it is.” Big blue eyes encouraged me. “Keepgoing.”
“I forgive you, Degan! I forgive you! It’s okay! You did what you wanted! And it’sokay!”
With every word, I was liberated. I became more and more independent from my past. I declared my ownfuture.
He beamed at me. “It’s like forgiving the Spaniards for being Spaniards andbullfighting.”
“Exactly!” I got up and started pacing, calling to the ceiling. “Degan! I forgive you for being you! You don’t have to be like me! I can love you the way youare!”
“Attagirl.”
“Trent?”
“Yeah.”
I reached over and took his hands, looking into his eyes. “I forgive you. I know I told you I forgave you earlier. But I’m saying it again. I get it. I get you. You care. I love you. And I forgive our past. I am committed to movingforward.”
He got up and started pacing with me, giddy and excited. He pointed to me. “Try forgivingyourself.”
I hugged my arms around my waist. “I forgive you, Dani, for not being there.” And as I said the words, I burst out in tears. “I forgive you. I forgive you. I forgive you. For blaming your brother. For holding on to old fights and past regrets. For being too scared to open up to love. For not giving it a chance. Iforgive!”
Tears poured down my face. “I am weightless,” I said. “I am free. Forgiveness releases me. It releases the guilt I’ve been carrying around about Degan. About yelling at him before he left. That his last words from me were angry. That I can never go back and fix them. You guys were meant to be in the army. You are badasses. You’re soldiers. You defend people. You care about our freedoms. Myfreedom.”
“Right. Exactlyright.”
“Trent. You tryit.”
He anchored his feet on the ground, closed his eyes, held my hand, and said in a deep voice, “I forgive you, Trent, for not savingDegan.”
And he let out abreath.
“Dani,” he whispered. “It releases theguilt.”
“What if his life had meaning? And his death didtoo?”
“It absolutely did,” he assured me. Then he held me the rest of thenight.
* * *
Later that night,after we’d made love, I showed him the letter from the university. “We’ve got one little problem,though.”
He read it. “Leave that tome.”
