Page 109 of Sol
You drove me to football practice, baseball practice, and cut short your dates with slacker losers so that you could make sure I had enough sleep forschool.
After mom died, you hugged me, and we never thought we’d get over it. Then dad died, and we knew we were strong enough together, but we were lost, like the trunk of the tree of our family had been cut off, and all we had were branches and leaves on the ground. We had to build somethingnew.
When I was in high school and you were in college, not so far away, I looked forward to you coming home on weekends. Mostly so I could use yourcar.
Just kidding. Mostly so I could see your giving, loving, radiant spirit. The way you feed off of joy and then give it back one hundred-fold. The way you live, Dani, it’s infectious. Your desire to help everyone understand each other, your insatiable appetite for new lands, your desire to get to know everyone. Your enthusiasm for life. I admire the way you live. I admireyou.
I’m sorry I didn’t get a chance to grow up more and become more likeyou.
I know when I left, you got mad because you don’t like the army. I do. But so what? Don’t worry about that. My love for you goes so much deeper than one fight. One disagreement. All isforgiven.
You have to know. I always wanted to be a soldier. No one talked me into this. It was my decision. I take responsibility for whatever happens to me. I’m going into this with my eyes completely open, since I’m writing this letter toyou.
In your Universe, there is enough room for you to have a world where we all put down arms and love each other, and one for me to go off and defend your right to have that world. Yeah, it’s a mindfuck, but think about it. We can both coexist harmoniously in this Universe as you say, my darling, dearest hippiesister.
So don’t worry about anything you said. I know you didn’t mean it. Or rather, I know you meant that you were scared that I was going to die and that you loved me. I love you, too. Please know that I died fighting for what I most believe in. Yourfreedom.
Love,
Your littlebrother,
Degan
P.S.I hope you marry Trent. He’s not gonna read this. I’m gonna seal it up so he doesn’t know. But really, enough already. You guys are meant for eachother.
P.P.S. I know you don’t do funerals, but if you do, you know what to do forme.
After I finished readingit out loud, I carefully folded it back up and put it in the envelope. I handed it to Trent, who put it in his back pocket. Then I turned to Trent, tears in my eyes. “I loved him. I still lovehim.”
“I do too,” he said, and he hugged metight.
“All isforgiven.”
“All isforgiven.”
