Page 30 of Sol
My chest seized up, and tears went to my eyes. Lulu got up and reached over to hug me, but I pushed down her arms. “Don’t.” I crossed my hands over my chest. She sat backdown.
“Lots of people join themilitary.”
A flash of indignation shot up my spine. “Not my brother. He wouldn’t have done it except for Trent. He wouldn’t have gone. I just knowit.”
“How do you knowit?”
Louise was my best friend for a lot of reasons, not the least of which was that she didn’t put up with my crap. That didn’t mean I wanted to hear it,though.
“I know my brother. I know he wouldn’t havegone.”
She shook her head. “He was a big boy and made his own decision. He wanted to be asoldier.”
“Influenced by Trent his entirelife.”
“There’s no shame in wanting to be a soldier. It’s honorable. A lot of people enlist and receive training, learnskills—”
“But it killed him,” I said. Lulu sighed and reached over, holding my hand inhers.
Her gracious eyes gave me comfort as she spoke quietly. “It’s been less than twenty-four hours since you found out your brother died. Give yourself abreak.”
Hope bloomed in my heart. Yes. I was suffering from shock. I needed toprocess.
I looked at my friend, who consoled me like no other. She knew my crazy, didn’t put up with it, and made me better. I reached over and touched her fingertips. “You’re the best friend I’ve everhad.”
She pressed hers against mine. “I know. And that’s partly because I always tell it like it is. Have you ever heard the phrase, ‘Never underestimate the inclination tobolt’?”
At those words, Ifroze.
Was I bolting? What did thatmean?
I said quickly, without thinking, “No. I’m notbolting.”
“Denial is more than a river in Egypt, sugar. Your denial is so deep you’d go a mile down deep into it and not ever see the bottom. You run away from everything. Now’s the chance to face what you’ve been runningfrom.”
My thoughts, my movementshalted.
Was I in denial? About Degan? About mylife?
No.
Wait, was thatdenial?
Shit.
I whispered, “I’m scared,Louise.”
“That’s because you’re feeling things you don’t want to feel, and it hurts. You’re blaming Trent, but he’s just the messenger. Be brave. You already are. You got this.” She took a bite of the yogurt parfait and swallowed. “But you still have a lot of grieving todo.”
I shrugged. “I don’t believe in grief. Degan’s still here. He’s just moved into another form. A universalone.”
She rolled her eyes. “Girlfriend, you’re anutcase.”
“Why?”
“You won’t grieve, you won’t forgive. And yet you are all,” she waved her hands, “spiritual.”
Shaking my head, I said, “I don’t have to like everyone. The Universe was made with contrast. It’s the law of polarity. For every dark, there is a light. For every negative, there is apositive—”
