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I’d admit that I was flattered that Trent liked me. I guess part of being a teacher was to have people look up to you all the time, and they developed little crushes. My usual response was to ignore them. I’d be gone to the next city before they could even try to look me uponline.
Trent, though. He wasn’t just a student. The fierceness in his eyes told me this wasn’t a puppy dogcrush.
My body? I’d give him. I’d wanted him to explore it ever since that time so many yearsago.
But he wanted more. The realdeal.
Did I want that,too?
* * *
Iwent upstairs,turned off the lights and lit a candle, spotlighting a picture of my family. After my dad died, I’d had it framed and kept it with me along with a card he’d sent taped to the back. This was how I honored hismemory.
In the photo, my mom, blond, petite, and pretty, smiled broadly. This was before we learned her diagnosis. My dad stood next to her, his arm around her shoulder, proud and happy. And Degan and I posed in front, arm in arm, mugging at thecamera.
God, I missed themall.
After my mother died, it became more and more my responsibility to make sure that Degan had clothes and food. While my dad was around, he was twenty years older than my mom, and he struggled to keep up with Degan’s energy. They both seemed lost without my mom. I came home from high school every day and made sure they had enough supplies in the pantry and the refrigerator. I did their laundry. I cleaned the house. I basically became themom.
Once Degan entered the military, I wasfree.
No wonder I ran somuch.
But thinking of Degan made me think of bad memories. After I had pizza with him and Trent before they left for boot camp, Degan and I went back home. With the house up for sale, I’d been cleaning it out. Getting rid of everything for the estatesale.
We fought before heleft.
I didn’t remember what started it. Maybe him getting upset about a box of photographs that had accidentally gotten tossed. No matter, the fight turned from, “You’re so selfish” to, “I hope I never see you as long as Ilive.”
“If you really do this, if you go in the army,” I’d snarled, “I hope you never come back. We don’t need any fighters. We needpeace.”
“I want peace—” Degan had started to say, but I interruptedhim.
“As far as I’m concerned, you’re gone. You’re joining something I don’t believein.”
He shook his head. “You’re crazy,Dani.”
“I hate the military with a passion. If you’re part of it, you’re part of theproblem.”
“Is that really what you think? That I’m doing this to causeproblems?”
“Yes.”
He stared at the ceiling, his face red, then he looked at me. “You’re wrong. I’m doing this because it’s my life, and I can do what I want. And I’m doing this because it’s something I believe in. Because I’m called toit.”
Narrowing my eyes, I pointed my finger at him. “If you go, you might as well be dead tome.”
I hated that we never resolved that. He left the next day. While we still emailed after that, our messages were distant. Almost formal. I never saw him on leave because of mytravel.
With the space of time, though, I wondered if Degan went in the army because he didn’t want me to have him as my responsibility anymore. That idea made my stomachhurt.
I wandered into the kitchen to get a glass of water. As I stood, downing my drink, this antsy, uncomfortable sensation came over me yet again. I did the only thing I knew to do to calm me. I set down my glass and walked to the center of the room. With a flick, I unfurled my mat onto the terracottafloor.
Yoga practice didn’t always make me feel good, but it was all I had. When my life got fractured, spending time paying attention to my body made me whole again. Although it was hot, I went through the motions of lighting incense. When I went to light a candle, the match sparked out ofcontrol.
Kind of like my emotions thisweek.
Taking a deep, cleansing breath, I settled on the mat and focused my attention on the air going in my nose and down my throat. The years of practice helped me, helped my racing brain to stop spinning around on ideas like a merry-go-round and letting themgo.
