Page 87 of Sol
“I don’t know why he did that,” shewhispered.
“It keeps me up at night. If he hadn’t, we wouldn’t be suffering likethis.”
Her tear-stained face tilted up to mine. “Trent. I never cried as much as I have around you. Because of you. It scares me. I don’t like thesefeelings.”
“I don’t like them either. But we have to processthem.”
She shook her head. “No. I don’t. I’m a lot happier when I just go somewhere new. Leave all this shit behind and startfresh.”
Panic struck me. “Dani. Wait. This is the hard part. Feeling the bad shit. But it’s like sets of waves on the beach. One hits, and then another, and then another. But there are spaces between sets. And eventually, I don’t know. I guess eventually you just decide to get out of the water and into the sand and only go in the water on calmdays.”
She sniffled. “I don’t know if I can wait foreventually.”
“So what does this mean for you and me?” I asked, not wanting to know theanswer.
“I don’tknow.”
“You said you forgave me. That you’d let me in. But I don’t think you know what thatmeans.”
Her fingers flew to her cheeks, and she started pacing. “I meant it, but I’m allconfused.”
“I want to be with you,” I said. “I don’t care how long it takes. I don’t care how much you throw at me. I know you’re hurt and you need to get it out. But you can’t go through this alone. You can’t process grief by yourself. No one can. Let mehelp.”
“I don’t want to be alone. And I don’t want to be with anyone—you—either,” shewhispered.
And my stomach sunk to the ground. I reached out to touch her hand, then withdrew. “You can’t meanthat.”
“Right now, I don’t know what I mean.” She wiped her eyes with the back of herhand.
Fuck.
I swallowed hard. “You have to know. I’m still gonna keep my promise. If you need me to keep my distance from now on, I will, but I’m not going back on myword.”
“What promise?” She stopped pacing and stared atme.
“ToDegan.”
“What promise toDegan?”
“When he died, he made me promise that I’d find you. That I’d tell you he loves you. That I’d keep yousafe.”
I also promised to tell her that I loved her. This didn’t seem the righttime.
But Dani looked at me with eyes like saucers and a quivering mouth. “That’s why you’re here,” she whispered, dawning realization spreading across her face. The wrong realization. “Duty. Because you promised him. Not because you really wantme.”
My stomach lurched, and I felt nauseous. “Dani. Absolutely not. I’m here because ofyou.”
“You came here to tell me he died. You did that. Now you’re free to leave,” shespat.
I shook my head. “No. I want you in every way.” Again, my words were failing me. Why couldn’t she see that we were meant for each other? That being together was easy? That we complemented eachother?
She threw herself on the bed and muttered into the mattress. “If I allow myself to be happy with you, then I’m betraying hismemory.”
My hand flew to my chin, rubbing it. “How do you figurethat?”
“If he hadn’t died, you wouldn’t behere.”
“That’s nottrue.”
