Page 89 of Sol
Dani -- Freedom
After I slammedthe door shut, I stomped to my bed and hurled myself face forward, clutching Trent’s letter in my clammyhands.
What had Idone?
The plants hanging from the ceiling swayed from the vigor of my movement. I balled up his letter and roughly threw it on the floor. Then I curled up into the fetal position, clenched my knees to my chest, and held myself through mytremors.
Noises came out of my mouth, and I discovered that I was whimpering uncontrollably. I shoved my hands over my ears, but the blubbering stillcame.
That breathing exercise at the yoga retreat terrified me. While Trent seemed peaceful during the pranayama practice, like he’d come to terms with something, when I tried it, my mind went into overdrive. Didn’t matter that I’d done it before. Didn’t matter that I had years of practice doing yoga breathing. Something about that retreat changedme.
Just as Ana had predicted, I’d spent too many years unconsciously hunched over, protecting my chest and blocking my emotions. I subconsciously knew it was too painful to experience everything, so I’d blocked out anything but positive emotions. When yoga practice pushed me beyond the edge I’d been to before, opening me up, the anguish I’d suppressed filled me. I gasped for breath, every pore of my body infused withpain.
And images rose up before my eyes. Of my ugly finger pointed at Degan’s chest when I screamed at him to leave. Of the smile ripped off his adorable face. Of his legs as bloody stumps,gone.
I heard all the screaming. Even if it was my imagination, even if I wasn’t there in the Korengal Valley, Iheardit.
Pressing my fists to the side of my head, I still heard it now in my room mixed with my ownsobs.
Was this to be my fate? To only remember my brother as atragedy?
And did Trent only want me because he promised mybrother?
The hurt stayed in my body, settling like cement. I didn’t want to go through it. Or get over it. Or assimilate it. I just wanted itgone.
Unfortunately, instead of the waves of grief I’d experienced before, which came and left, like circles on the surface of a pond after you threw a pebble in it, my misery now waspermanent. I’d never get rid ofit.
It was my fault that I’d treated Degan so badly, and I could never take it back. And that rock, that boulder in my heart would never be dislodged. It pinched off any feeling except deep, utter grief and anger at myself, at Degan, and at the Universe. I couldn’t describe the depth of my self-loathing. Perhaps it would end somewhere, but right now I knew it was infinite. I stood, sinking, knee deep in quicksand with no wayout.
I kicked at the sheets on mybed.
Why me? Hadn’t I sufferedenough?
I’d survived for years without my mom. Her death had taken away my optimism. But still, I tried torecover.
Then my dad had died. I dealt with that by leaving and never coming back. Traveling from country to country, never stopping long enough to feel the heartbreak in mybones.
Now, my brother had been cruelly murdered while fighting for something bigger thanhimself.
I’d tried to stay still. To feelit.
I couldn’t. The misery crushed me. My frame couldn’t handleit.
Worse, I’d fucked up even more and pushed away Trent. Steady, courageous, handsome Trent. A man who worshiped the ground I walked on, quiteliterally.
Pushing him away meant I severed a part of my body. Probably myheart.
Could I live withouthim?
No.
But I couldn’t live with him either. A lump rose in my throat. I’d forced him to leave. Would he even want to come back to me, or was he giving me this letter as a goodbye before he tookoff.
It lurked on the floor, willing me to open it. To see what hesaid.
Just like I couldn’t read Degan’s letter, I couldn’t read his. It felt toofinal.
A blaze of anger rose up from mybelly.
