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I’d admitthat hitting send gave me heart palpitations. But it also gave me a sense of relief I hadn’t feltever.
I was in charge of me. I wasn’t letting him rule my feelingsanymore.
After more scrolling and more spam, I came to more recent emails. Including one from Trent dated a week before classstarted.
* * *
Dear Dani,
Long time no talk.Can you let me know where you are? It’simportant.
Thanks,
Trent
* * *
If I’d seenthatearlier…
Was I brave enough now to read what he wanted me toknow?
Yes, I was. I had tobe.
I leaned off my bed, picked up the letter, smoothed the envelope, and ripped it open, reading the words he’d written four yearsago.
* * *
Dear Dani,
If you’re readingthis letter, it’s because Degan handed it to you after I died. I hope he never has to hand this to you, and I can read it to you myself. Because I can’t think of anyone else who I’d want to spend the rest of my lifewith.
If I’m dead, please know I’ve still spent my life with you. When I was in the barracks, I thought about hiking with you in the Muir Woods. When I ate in the mess hall, I wished you were there to tell me something more about the way the Universe works. When we went on patrol, the only thing I thought about, and the only thing I will think about is that hopefully, just hopefully, I’m making the world safer foryou.
Because you are the only thing that keeps me motivated. If I don’t have a beautiful world like the one you live in to protect, there is no point to living. There is no point to fighting. The only point there is in this military is for me to defend the values I cherish mostdearly.
And the value I cherish most dearly is that you have the right and freedom to create your own peacefulworld.
I know you’re my best friend’s sister. I know you’ve known me since I was eight. I know it’s allweird.
I don’t care. I’m a man now. And I love you. I always have, and I alwayswill.
Please know that I died with love in my heart for youalways.
Love,
Trent
* * *
Icrumpled in bed,tears streaming down my face, gripping Trent’s letter to mychest.
He loved me. He’d always lovedme.
I knewthat.
I’d driven him away. He was the best thing that had ever happened to me, and I’d kicked him out of mylife.
Why?
