Page 51 of Ambiguous
“What privacy?” I can’t help my laugh. “We just talked about my lack of it.”
“Exactly.” Loren smiles kindly.
My heart squeezes. “Thanks,” I say quietly. “I appreciate that. I’ll look him up before…” Before what, I don’t know. “Do you think I’d lose fans if I make a statement?”
They nod. “Some. I hate to feed your nerves, but it’s better to face the truth. People behave weirdly, and some won’t like you inanyrelationship, same-sex or not. You could get a boost among the queer communities, but you’ll likely lose some support elsewhere. And losing fans means—”
“Losing money,” I finish. “Which means I’d better get cracking on this album. Well, I already have.”
They settle in. “Enough with the lectures. Look up Sam when I leave. For now, play me something new.”
So I do.
While we’re discussing Loren’s reactions to the new songs—and their unusual (for me) degree of intimacy, Stu calls. “Are we booking time in the studio?”
His question sends a bolt of anxiety to my gut. I want to get this album done to remove a barrier between me and Sam, but absent that motivation, I could put off writing it forever. Sharing ideas with the band is scary, because even though I know these guys, they might hate something I really love. The songs are new seedlings that could get stepped on, or freeze, or burn in harsh conditions. But the way to make those tender shoots hardy is to get the band involved and develop the arrangements. While I want to keep the songs—and by extension, Sam as my inspiration—to myself for longer, I need to be practical.
Rolling my shoulders, I take a deep breath and hold it in, then let it out. “Let’s check schedules. I can’t wait for you guys to hear what I’ve been working on.”
I can hear a smile in his voice. “Cool, man. We’ll set something up.”
* * *
After Loren leaves, I take a break and type “Sam Stone” into the search bar on my phone.
I feel invasive doing this. People do it to me daily—hourly—minute-ly? So I know what it feels like to be on the other side of the equation. Still, I’m curious, and Loren is right. I don’t know that much about Sam. This is basic due diligence.
Hundreds of photos show up, with him always smiling and gleaming and—
Crap.
—on the arm of a very handsome man. I wince, feeling sick.
They say curiosity killed the cat. What they don’t say is that it also kills the burgeoning crush of a bloke who thought maybe he’d finally found someone special. I can’t help a bitter smile as I wrap an arm around my belly.
No wonder he pulled away the other night.
But.
Maybe it’s just a friend. Sam would’ve said if he had a boyfriend, I’m sure. I click on one of the articles.
Sam Stone and longtime partner Kurt Delmont attend a gala event supporting…
My hand holding the phone shakes. He already has a boyfriend.Must have been that “friend” he texted before we danced.
Fucking hell. I wipe away a ridiculous fucking tear.
I wish he would’ve told me. Now I feel like he was leading me on.
But he wasn’t. He’s just doing his job, and I got distracted because he treats me differently than other people do. Kind, but not obsequious. Listening, but not passive. Polite, but real. At least I thought he was real.
My heart feels like something is squeezing it, and I rub my chest.
Shaking my head, I keep reading. Sam has a Wikipedia entry that talks about how he’s a member of a political dynasty, the grandson of a current gubernatorial candidate, and an accomplished attorney in his own right. He has other living relatives, including his father, who are prominent politicians, as well as some ancestors. The extent to which his clan has affected American politics is significant.
Because I must have some latent masochistic tendencies, I click on photo after photo and find Sam all captivating smiles on the arm of his man, who’s as polished as he is.
I shouldn’t be so disappointed. We don’t know each other. But Sam’s the first person in a long while—perhaps ever—who I felt instantly at home with. I’m usually the one trying to make other people feel comfortable around me. With Sam, everything is different. Apart from me reassuring him that the Great Pants Catastrophe was no big deal, all the support and encouragement has been going in the other direction.
