Page 78 of Ambiguous
“We have ten tracks down and being mixed. We might record another song or two, but it’s getting close to done.”
And then the fun begins. In the meanwhile, I have a résumé to polish and a cover letter to draft.
CHAPTER29
Sam
Emily flops down on my couch and toys with my remote as the first scene ofDunkirkbegins. She knows I line everything up on the coffee table at right angles, so she’s doing it to mess with me.
I’m not compulsive about neatness. It just soothes me to have things be in order. I shake my head, because what are friends for except to mess with you when you need to be messed with?
She narrows her eyes at me. “You’ve been MIA.”
“No. I’ve been out with Julian when I’m not at work,” I admit. “To lunch. To an aquarium. To his house.”
“You’re dating him.” It’s a gentle accusation.
“I can’t be dating him. This is all related to getting his album done. It’s my job to help him make that happen.”
Emily crosses her arms. “Have you slept with him?”
“No,” I say, matching her crossed arms.
She gets a knowing look in her eyes and raises an eyebrow. “Have you kissed him again?”
I sigh and pick up the remote.
“I knew it,” she crows and claps her hands.
I turn the TV off. We’ve seen this movie a dozen times anyway.
“I knew it!” she repeats.
“You know nothing.”
“I knew you were looking for love. I knew youneededlove. All your bullshit about it not solving problems was just your fear.” She leans back on the cushions, her fingers forming a steeple.
I smooth my hands down my thighs. “Yes, Em, you said that, and yes, I have feelings for him that frankly frighten me, because I can’t sort them out. We’re not even really together. Am I just bowled over by his charisma, like millions of his fans? Or do we genuinely like each other?”
“I think it’s real,” she assures me, tapping my leg. “It might be the only real thing you’ve ever done.”
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
“Your whole life, you’ve lived to be respectable and accepted by other people, but you haven’t ever once stopped to consider how you feel. Take dating. You and Kurt like each other just fine, so it hasn’t been a hardship. But it’s fake, and if you don’t try to make things work with Julian, you’ll be cheating yourself from what could be the most fulfilling relationship of your life.”
I throw up my hands. “Or it could be nothing. Julian could be using me for my… muse-iness.”
“That’s not a word.”
“Well, what do you call being his muse? And if that’s all I am, then when the album is done, or when he stops getting ideas from me, he’ll want to move on.” I bite my lip. “He’ll want to find new inspiration.”
Emily squeezes my knee. “Is that really what you think he’s going to do? Because if it is, you should stop now.”
“No,” I admit, standing up, then sitting back down again. “It isn’t. I think we’re enormously attracted to each other, and I can barely explain it except that it’s real, I feel it, and I want more of itall the time.”
“See? Then this is all good.”
“If you say so.” I stare down at my feet.
