Page 72 of Studious
After we’ve cleaned up and I’m sitting at Danny’s bar while he cooks pancakes, his cat winding between our legs, I sip my coffee and ask, “Am I still a virgin?”
He tilts his head. “What? Why do you ask that?”
“Just wondering. Does what we’ve done count as sex?”
“Pretty sure that, one, virginity is an outdated concept generally used to oppress women, and two, you can make your own rules. I mean, if you’re gay and you’re never going to put your penis in a vagina…” He shrugs.
“But, um, anal sex. Do I have to have that to not be a virgin?”
“No. Plenty of gay men aren’t interested in anal. If it’s something you want to do and you feel you haven’t completed your punch card because you haven’t done it, that’s a different issue.” He gives me a gentle smile. “I can tell this is bothering you. I’m afraid I don’t have all the answers, but I’m willing to listen.”
And this is why he’s dangerous. Because he doesn’t dismiss my concerns out of hand or tell me shit that isn’t true. He discusses things with me like what I care about matters.
I sigh. “The concept of virginity is so confusing. I’ve just always kind of assumed losing it was important. And it bothered me that no one seemed to want to touch me.”
That elicits another smile. “Oh, I assure you I want to touch you very much.”
“That makes me happy.”
“Good. I want you to be happy.” Danny comes around the counter, tugging me to him. “If having anal sex is important to you, we can talk about it. Have you been thinking a lot about it?”
I give him a look. “Of course.” Besides the fantasies I’ve had since I was a teenager, if it feels that good to be inside Danny’s mouth, what would it feel like for him to be inside me? I bet it’d be overwhelming in the best way.
“And who you want to do it with?”
Now I redden. “Yes.” It makes my heart thud.
His voice takes on his sexiest register. “Can you share with the class?”
“You, of course.” It’s barely a whisper.
“Okay,” he whispers back. “We can work up to that. Sometime. When you’re ready.” He holds up his hands. “I’m done saying no to you.” He looks calm but eager. Like I gave him a present. “Have you thought about what you’d like to do? And yes, I’m talking positions. Where? How? Do you want to top? Bottom? Both?”
“I always figured I’d bottom, but I want to know both.”
“I normally top, but I’d bottom for you. Would that feel safer to you?”
I pause. “Yes,” I say eventually. “I think it would. But I’d feel safe with you no matter what.” His eyes catch mine. “I don’t really want to do it with anyone else. I mean, I suppose eventually I’ll have to. When you’re done with my lessons. Or whatever.” I grimace.
“Hey,” he says. “This doesn’t have to be about the lessons you asked for. This can just be…” He shrugs. “Who we are when we’re together. I’m okay with you being the only one I’m with. While we’re doing this.” He points between us.
I look up at him in surprise. “You are?”
“I don’t want you to worry.” He holds up his hand. “I’ll still give you tips or whatever so you can practice with other people, but I don’t want you concerned I won’t be available when you need me. Plus, I don’t want you worrying about diseases. I get tested often and use condoms, but I’ll get tested again.”
“This kind of feels like something is happening between us,” I blurt.
He gives me the gentlest smile. “That’s because I think it might be.”
Holy shit. Does he mean that? Should I ask what he’s really saying, or will that only shatter whatever magical dream we’re in right now?
“Shelby is going to ask questions. How are we going to play this at work?”
“How would you like to play it?” Danny asks. “I’ll do whatever you want. If you want people to know we’re…” He makes a gesture. “Messing around. Doing things. I’m okay with them knowing you’re mine.”
You’re mine.
I know he means temporarily, but God, it feels good to hear it. I’ve had no experience with relationships. Is this too fast? I’m supposed to stick to our plan of him teaching me.
