Page 45 of Curious
My self-esteem was in the pits when I was growing up, and I’ve been battling it ever since. So it figures Cam would be challenging me in the worst way on my deepest issues: on whether I’m worthy of a healthy relationship with a romantic partner. One step forward, two steps back.
“Hate to break it to you, but he’s not unavailable if he’s married to you and he’s saying he’s okay with messing around.”
“Yeah, I see what you’re saying. Okay. I’m being ridiculous.”
“No, you aren’t being ridiculous. You’re guarding your feelings. If this marriage is just for insurance, you can walk away at any time. Or, rather, once he gets insurance on his own, you can say goodbye, like you planned. But if you start, I don’t know,likingeach other, that would make it more difficult.”
“Especially since I usually fall harder.”
“That’s the real problem, isn’t it?”
I nod. “He’s been hurt before, too.” I’m thinking of how publicly he got left at the altar.
“Just making sure—you told him you were okay with kissing?”
“Yeah. But now I want to do more. And he wants to do more. And I don’t know what to do.”
“In other words, you want your husband to do what husbands do.”
“Right.”
He takes a bite of his sandwich. “Okay, you two have been talking about it, though. Right? You have open communication?”
“We do.”
“And you’re not hiding anything from each other?”
“Not that I know of. He’s told me some sensitive things about his history. I don’t get the idea he’s being anything other than straight with me. Ugh. Pun not intended.”
“What would you want in the abstract? If you didn’t let your fears hold you back. Would you want to sleep with him?”
“We’ve sort of done that.”
Alden tilts his head. “I’m so confused. I thought that’s what you wanted to do with him.”
“We’ve literallyslept. What I want to do is get him naked and do very naughty things with and to him while we’re both awake.” My voice drops. “Alden, do you realize he has pierced nipples? Pierced!”
“Ah.” He waves a hand and almost tips his drink over. “Same question, then.”
“If I weren’t so scared of getting hurt, I would want to climb Camden Cooper like a tree.”
“Then there’s your answer.”
Is it?“It can’t be that simple. I’ll end up being crushed.”
“Or you could end up very happy. You’re projecting that you’re going to get hurt, but you have no evidence except your history. You create your future, and it doesn’t have to repeat the past.”
“You’ve been hanging out with too many lawyers.”
“Only one in particular.” Alden grins, surely thinking of Danny. “My advice is as follows: Talk with Camden about what he wants to do. See if you want to do it, too. If you do, let yourself do it without fear. Worrying is just a habit, like anything else. But in this case it’s a habit you’ve developed based on being with, pardon my French, a bunch of assholes. If you don’t think Cam is an asshole—and it certainly seems he isn’t—then you can decide not to worry, because this isn’t the same situation as the ones where you ended up getting hurt.”
I stare at him.
“What?”
“You’re so smart sometimes.”
Alden smiles shyly.
