Page 38 of Just Like You
We didn’t speak again. He removed the condom and buried his face in my neck.
Me? I lay there with my hand fisting the hair on his head, and my other hand? It covered my eyes as I silently sobbed.
Because this?
Shit.
Bloody hell.
No. Please. No.
And then, just like that, I awoke in the morning to his breath on my face. Then he fucked me awake and fed me toast, making me cups of perfect tea until my head was clear enough to get myself showered and cleaned up enough that he could make me take a dip in the sea.
A make-believe existence, where the days blended into one another and food was placed in my mouth and where I had no control anymore. No ability to say no to any of his ludicrous suggestions. He wanted me to come around and spend the weekend at hishouse. Go see a show. Take me out for dinner. Did I have any more fun trips he could come along to? He’d always wanted to go to Japan. China. Did we fly to Hawaii?
His enthusiasm was infectious, and I went along with it all because I wanted it. Believed in it, even though I knew deep down that it was all just a fantasy. A childish illusion that would inevitably break.
The panic in me kept rising and rising, yet at the same time? I was so incredibly calm. Numb with feelings to the point that when I ran into two of my crew at reception, I could barely remember their names, let alone my own.
A nauseating haze, where on the one hand, I wanted this to end. Shake off all the weirdness so I could just piece myself back together. On the other hand, I wanted to stay here forever and make this tiny hotel room on the beach, my forever home.
Yes. I was delusional. My body was screaming for him when he wasn’t by my side, which he was, most of the time. He took a few phone calls inside, but the rest of the time we sipped water on the beach. Sat in the shade, and I would play with his fingers as he stroked my hair.
It was sickening, I knew that.
Awful. Horrifying behaviour.
Then he sat next to me on the transfer back to the airport, chatting excitedly to someone’s sister and discussing the weather and sun and the state of his sunburnt legs.
I was bringing him back home, but the thought of leaving him behind made my heart ache.
I couldn’t understand why. I should have been relieved that he would disappear, allowing me to breathe, because I couldn’t make sense of who I’d become. Like he’d made me drink his hallucinogenic tea and I’d just morphed into a completely different person.
It was completely normal to bring a friend away on a short break. To share a room. It was absolutely acceptable to fuck all weekend and then…simply call it a day.
Which was what I’d have to do.
Make the cut before I bled out.
I’d just have to.
He sat quietly in his economy seat all the way home, shooting me a small smile every time I passed by. He was watching my every move, and I even though didn’t mind, it made me twitchy. I couldn’t explain it. The truth a constant noise at the back of my mind. I couldn’t explain anything. Everything was messed up and unthinkable and entwined in something I didn’t want to think about. Who I was, and what this made me.
And as he walked off the plane in London? He shook my hand. Winked. And told me he’d see me in a bit.
He wouldn’t. I snuck out the side entrance, bypassing the area where he’d probably be waiting. I let him go, gently, by simply not beingthere at all.
I never turned my phone on. Just went to my car and stood there, wondering where on earth I’d put my car keys four days ago. I had no idea. Couldn’t remember as I patted down my pockets and unzipped all the compartments of my bags.
And there it was. His Patek watch, sat there in the outside pocket of my bag, like a shiny, perfect resolution to my childish behaviour.
I picked it up and just held it in my hand. Closed my fingers over it, hoping I could just crush it. Destroy it. Make the last couple of days just disappear.
Life didn’t work that way, and with that thought? I burst into tears.
Chapter Twelve
Kieron
