Page 101 of The House Guest
“So?”
“I’m not comfortable.”
“Okay.” He pouted. “I understand.”
My heart sank. Lying to get out of having sex was a first for me. But I couldn’t bear to do that right now. It didn’t feel right when I’d spent the morning agonizing over Dorian. I added another notch to the long line of things I felt guilty about lately.
That afternoon, Casey, Rosie, and I had what by all appearances was a wholesome family outing. Inside mybrain, though, was a tornado of inappropriate thoughts contaminating the entire experience. I felt like the worst mother and wife-to-be on Earth.
CHAPTER 28
Primrose
Lucy smiled from behind me in the mirror.
“It looks so much more beautiful now that it’s perfectly fitted to your body, doesn’t it?”
We were at my final dress fitting, and she was right. The dress was absolutely perfect and fit like a glove.
I should’ve been on top of the world. Yet for the last couple of weeks, since the phone call with Candace, instead of excitement over my wedding, I’d been preoccupied with the idea of losing Dorian forever. I was certain he and Liv were getting closer.
As the wedding date had grown closer, too, more than anything, I became more and more ashamed of my inner turmoil as it related to Casey. He had a right to know what was going on in my mind. I’d been so afraid to hurt him, yet wasn’t I hurting him anyway by keeping him in the dark? Somehow I’d justified it.
As I looked at myself in the beautiful white dress, I imagined walking down the aisle, but all I could see at thefar end waiting for me was Dorian.Hisbeautiful face smiling back at me, tears in his eyes as I made my way toward him.Thatwas my dream. As a tear rolled down my cheek, I doubted more than ever whether going through with the wedding was right. I couldn’t continue to pretend I was happy. I wasn’t.
It suddenly felt like the dress was squeezing me—choking me. I needed it off.
I turned to the attendant. “Can I get out of this?”
She rushed toward me. “Is everything okay?”
“Yes. I’m just having a…hot flash or something and don’t want to ruin the dress.”
“Of course.”
I escaped into the dressing room and slipped out of the gown, eventually handing it to the attendant to hang. I looked at my red, blotchy face in the mirror and knew I’d reached my breaking point.
“Are you okay in there?” Lucy’s voice came through the door.
I wiped my eyes. “I’m fine! I’ll be right out.”
I managed to pull myself together before returning to Lucy. Thankfully, she didn’t pry, though she had to know something was off with me.
As I drove home, I felt horribly conflicted, dreading what needed to be done, but unable to ignore it anymore. I stopped at the one place I knew might give me peace and clarity before facing Casey.
It was a cloudy day, perfect for a trip to the cemetery where my mother was buried. I knew exactly how to get to her plot from the entrance, never needing a map. I was grateful to be back in Ohio so I could visit her again.
I knelt by Mom’s gravestone. “Boy, Mama, I could sure use your advice right now.” I looked up at the sky. “I wonder if you’d be disappointed in me. As you probably know, I have a wonderful man who loves me and our child—your sweet granddaughter. And I’m seriously considering throwing it all away. I don’t want Rosie to have a broken family like I did. She deserves better. But doesn’t she also deserve a mother who’s true to herself?”
I brushed my fingers along the top of the headstone. “I’ve been lying to myself. I feel safe but not fulfilled. I’m struggling to accept the fact that my happiness should ever be more important than Rosie’s. Wouldn’t that be selfish? Doesn’t your own happiness stop being a priority the day you have a child? I want to believe you’d tell me I’ll be incapable of being the best mother to my daughter if I’m not happy myself. That’s what I want to hear. But I can’t put words in your mouth when you’re not here.” I exhaled deeply. “I really need you.”
As birds chirped around me, I prayed for a sign. After a few minutes, when I felt some raindrops, I took that as my cue to leave. Before I walked away, though, I looked down and noticed that someone had left something at my mother’s grave.Holy wow.What were the chances? It had to be a sign from Mom telling me following my heart wasn’t just the best decision, it was theonlychoice.
I picked up the single rosebud and raised it toward the sky. “Thanks, Mama.”
***
Back at home, I realized I had to get this over with before the stress killed me. Casey’s mother had already beenwatching Rosie today, so I asked if she could take her for a few more hours tonight so I could talk to Casey as soon as he got home.
