Page 69 of The Heartbreakers
“Suit yourself,” he said, happily sipping his vegetables as he pulled out the bar stool next to me. “So why are you up so early?”
“Couldn’t sleep,” I told him. “I added some new pictures to my website yesterday, and I couldn’t stop thinking about it.”
So far my personal website was doing well. It didn’t have nearly as many views as the Heartbreak Chronicles—in fact, it only had a few hundred—but that was to be expected. I was still proud of myself, and every time someone left me a positive message, I found it reassuring.
So last night I worked up the courage to post the pictures I’d taken of Cara—the ones I’d shown Alec—and although the response was positive so far, it was still nerve-racking to bare the most personal part of my life to the world. I felt vulnerable somehow, like I was playing cards and while my hand was exposed for the entire table to look at, I couldn’t even see who my opponents were.
“Oh yeah?” he said. “How’s that going?”
“Well,” I said, “so far so good…at least I think.”
Xander scoffed and waved his hand to dismiss my doubts. “I’m sure it’s amazing, Stella. Have you thought about what you want to do when your contract is up?”
“Not really,” I said, the words faint on my lips. His question brought on a whole new wave of worries and concerns, things I didn’t want to think about. “I was supposed to start school in the fall, but I deferred when Cara got sick.”
He took another sip of his drink and then used his sleeve to wipe away a green mustache. “You think you’ll ever decide to go?”
“I don’t know.” I raised my hands in the air and let them fall, feeling lost. “So much has changed since then.”
He was quiet for a second, choosing his words. “Well, what about photography school? Ever consider that?”
I had to stop myself from laughing. “No, of course not.”
“How come?” he asked. I thought he was joking, but my amusement faded quickly when I saw the serious look on his face.
Grasping my coffee mug between my hands, I stared at an unfixed spot on the wall. “It never occurred to me,” I admitted after a minute of consideration. “I wouldn’t even know what schools have good programs.”
Xander perked up. “Let’s look,” he said and gestured at my computer. It was resting on the counter in front of us, waiting to be turned on.
He seemed much more excited about the idea than I did, but to humor him, I set my coffee aside, opened up my laptop, and for the next thirty minutes we researched different schools. We discovered a handful of universities that frequented every top list. Yale was the most surprising because I didn’t realize they had a photography program, while the School of the Art Institute of Chicago seemed liked the most practical choice for me since I wouldn’t be too far away from home. But the place that really caught my eye was the School of the Visual Arts.
“I like this one,” I told Xander as we looked over the website. “I always wanted to live in New York.”
“Then apply,” he said and clicked on the admissions tab.
“Apply?” I said, and this time I wasn’t able to hold back my laughter. “I already missed the deadline. Fall semester starts in September.”
“So?” he said, pulling up an online application. “Who said you have to go this semester? There’s always spring and next year.” He wasn’t even looking at me now. Instead, he was concentrated on reading over the information displayed on the screen in front of him.
Okay, I hadn’t really considered that, but this idea to go to school was so abrupt and hasty. I needed time to consider how a choice like this could possibly fit into my life. “Yeah, but I don’t even know if I want to go,” I said, shying away from the computer.
“It’s not like you have to make a decision now,” he said with a chuckle, already typing in information for me. “Full name?”
“Stella Emily Samuel,” I responded, the reaction instant. “Won’t there be an application fee?”
Xander shot me a look. “Really, Stella? I’ll pay the fee if you’re so worried about it. Male or female?”
Now it was my turn to give Xander a look. “Funny,” I told him, and he grinned at me.
“Come on, Stella,” he said and crossed his arms. “Giving yourself options won’t hurt.”
I glanced from him to my computer in thought. This was silly. If SVA had one of the top photography programs in the country, there wasn’t a big chance I’d get in. That part, as disappointing as it sounded, was the easiest to accept. The real issue was Cara. Leaving for school would be long-term and what if she wasn’t better by then? When I accepted Paul’s job offer, it was with the knowledge that my contract would be up in two months and then I could go home.
I quickly shook my head to clear the negative thoughts. I hated that I always got so worked up and confused whenever I imagined my future. Here Xander was trying to do something nice for me, and all I could worry about was something I had no control over—well, at least in this moment. He was right; SVA would be a nice option to have even if I wasn’t accepted or never went.
“Fine,” I said, and gave him a curt nod. “What do I need to do?”
Justincase.
