Page 84 of The Heartbreakers
Okay, strange, I thought as I took a spot on the edge. Something was definitely bothering her, and I figured it most likely involved me, considering that she’d been fine a minute ago with Drew. I waited for a second, giving her a chance to speak up, but then five seconds turned into ten, and ten to twenty.
“Cara, what’s wrong?”
“Besides the obvious? I’m fine.” She smiled, but it was halfhearted and faded in an instant.
“Doesn’t seem liked it,” I said, crossing my arms. “Are you mad at me or something?”
“No.” Cara twisted her hands together before finally glancing up at me. “Dr. Mitchell told me I need another transplant”—she hesitated, the expression on her face grave—“if you’re willing to be my donor.”
I almost laughed. She was worried because she thought I wouldn’t donate for her? “Cara.” I grabbed her hand and gave it a gentle squeeze. “Of course I will be your donor. How could I not?”
She pulled away from me. “It’s not that. I’m afraid…” She trailed off, leaving her fear unfinished.
“Hey,” I said, reaching out for her again. “Don’t worry. This will work.”
I was nervous too, but Dr. Mitchell seemed confident about the procedure’s success. First, I would undergo a physical exam to make sure I was healthy enough to donate. Once that was out of the way, the actual surgery could take place. Under normal circumstances, she would have to do human leukocyte antigen (HLA) typing—a test to make sure donor stem cells matched the recipient’s—but since we were identical twins, a confirmation was unnecessary.
My bone marrow would be harvested from both sides of my pelvic bone, which kind of freaked me out, but Dr. Mitchell assured me that I would be under anesthesia and that the surgery would be painless. It was a relatively simple operation, and I could be released from the hospital the very next day.
Since the transplant was syngeneic, my healthy cells could be given to Cara shortly after being harvested. They would be infused into her bloodstream, much like a blood transfusion, and the process itself would only take a few hours. After the transplant was complete, Dr. Mitchell would monitor Cara for signs of new, blood-forming cells that produced healthy blood cells. The growth was called “engraftment” and was the first sign of a successful treatment.
“That’s not what I meant,” she said, shaking her head.
“Then what?”
“I don’t…” She trailed off for a second time. I waited for her to collect her thoughts, and finally she took a deep breath and said, “I don’t know if I want you to go through with the donation.”
“What?” I exclaimed, the word hissing out of my mouth in a breathless manner. “Cara, I have to. If I don’t, then you won’t get better.”
She shrugged and looked away from me. “You don’t know that for sure.”
“Your doctors do.” My stomach was clenching with a sudden pain, and I felt like I’d been shot with a bullet of ice. A cold, tingling sensation was spreading through my body. “Besides, why would you be willing to take that kind of chance?”
Whoisthispersonsittingnexttome?It couldn’t be my sister. She’d been a fighter since day one. She would never roll over and let cancer beat her. She was a pro at absorbing punches. I didn’t understand where this white flag was coming from.
Cara’s eyes were dark, and she sat unmoving for a long stretch of silence. “Stella, I’m scared,” she finally said, and her voice was so quiet that I had to lean in to hear her. “I don’t want to die, but—but I can’t stop thinking that I’m ruining your life, and that scares me so much more.”
“Look at me, Cara,” I said, shaking her shoulder. “You are not ruining my life. How could you ever think that?”
When she glanced up, there was a pinched expression on her face. “Oh, come on. Don’t pretend like our world doesn’t revolve around this place and the treatments and the cancer, because it does, Stella. It’s a big, shitty black hole that sucks everyone in.” She was sneering at me now, but her voice trembled and I knew she was more distraught than angry. “Then you got your job, and I was so happy. For a moment I thought you’d done it, you’d escaped, but all it took was a phone call and some bad news, and now you’re stuck here again.”
My throat lumped up as the tears that had been hanging in her eyes finally fell and streamed down her face. “How can I be stuck in a place if it’s exactly where I want to be?” I asked her. “Black hole or not, you’re still my sister.”
Cara laughed through her tears, but the sound was bitter. “Because, Stella. There’s this thought that keeps running through my head, and it’s tormenting me because I know it’s true. If I’m not here anymore, then you don’t have to be either.”
Hearing this, I turned away from Cara. My heart was twisting, and I felt the pain of the past four years like I never had before. I didn’t want her to see any guilt on my face, so I closed my eyes and counted out three deep breaths before clearing my throat. “Fine,” I said, turning back to her. “Let’s make a deal.”
“I—okay?” she said, her eyes huge and glistening.
“I’m going through with the donation whether you like it or not, and you’re going to have another transplant,” I told her firmly. “Then, when you get better, we’re both going to walk out of here and I can go to SVA.”
“SVA?” she repeated, her eyebrows bunching up like a piece of fuzzy pipe cleaner pushed together. “What’s that?”
“The School of Visual Arts. It’s in New York,” I explained. “I was accepted into the photography program for spring semester.”
“Oh my God,” Cara said, and a smile broke through her tears. “You’re gonna go to school for photography? I’m so proud of you, Stella.”
“Thanks, Cara. That means the world to me,” I said and smiled back, “but I’m only going if you help me. We do this together. Otherwise, neither of us is leaving.”
