Page 63 of My Return to the Walter Boys
“What do you say?” Cole asked when I didn’t reply. “You, me, and a musty basement. I know it’s not the best offer, but we’ll find a way to have fun. What if we pretend Isaac isn’t there? That will drive him crazy.”
I wet my lips. “Um, tonight isn’t good for me. I have a lot of homework to get done.”
His smile sank, but he quickly hitched it back up. “Then do it in the basement.” Either Colereallywanted to hang out or I didn’t smell as bad as I thought, because he pushed away from the wall and sat down beside me. “I’ll clear off the old desk and promise not to bug you. Please?” he added. “We haven’t seen each other since Sunday.”
Guilt speared through my chest, but I held fast to my decision and shook my head. “I don’t think that’s a good idea, Cole.”
“Why?”
“Your parents—”
“Don’t use them as an excuse,” he snapped. “Be honest—are you avoiding me?”
The wordnosat on the tip of my tongue, but that was a lie, wasn’t it? For the past four days, I’d steered clear of Cole whenever he came home from work. Not because I was mad at him but because I didn’t want to ruffle Katherine’s feathers further than we already had. “Well, not exactly. It’s just…”
“It’s justwhat?” he challenged, twisting on the bench to face me.
“I don’t know how to explain it, Cole,” I said, dropping my gaze to my feet, “but when I’m with you, I feel…normal-ish.” As the stumbling explanation left my mouth, I realized this was about so much more than the past few days. The uneasiness creeping over me went back to much bigger issues—primarily, my uncontrollable grief.
“That’s a bad thing?”
“No, but…sometimes I miss my family so much, it’s debilitating,” I told him. “There’s this razor-sharp ache in my chest that’s impossible to ignore, like my heart’s been wrapped in barbed wire, and no matter what I do or how much time passes, I know it’ll be there for the rest of my life.” Tears had gathered in my eyes, but I brushed them away before they could fall. “Then there are days when you smile at me and I just…forget. All the pain fades away, and that makes me feel so damnguilty. How can I be heartbroken in one moment and happily kissing you the next?”
“Jackie.” Cole’s tone was understanding but firm. “Look at me.”
When I did, his features softened.
“Stop worrying about grieving wrong. It’s not something you can mess up,” he said, gently knocking his knee against mine. “Healing isn’t a linear process. Some days will be better than others.”
“That’s easy for you to say.” I swallowed the bitter lump in my throat. “You can’t possibly imagine what it feels like, losing everyone you care about in one fell swoop.”
His responding nod was so deferential it made me feel like I was being irrational. “I know I don’t understand, and I mean this in the most sincere, non-jackass way possible, but—I wonder if you’re using that as a reason to avoid something that scares you?” he said. “Your parents wouldn’t hate you for moving on, Jackie, and no matter what, my family and I will always be here for you.”
Will they, though?I’d thought the same thing about my own family.
What would happen if Cole and I continued dating, things got super serious, but then we broke up? Would the Walters be forced to take sides? Danny promised to answer my calls even if I broke his brother’s heart, but was I really willing to take that chance? Why would any of the Walters choose me over their own flesh and blood?
That was when I finally understood why I’d been pulling away from Cole since Katherine caught us in bed together. What it came down to was that the Walters meant everything to me. They’d takenme into their home after I lost mine, became my new support system, and showed me how to live again. I already knew the pain of losing one family; I couldn’t lose another.
The problem was, where did that leave me with Cole?
As if sensing my inner turmoil, one of the horses nickered from two stalls down.
“I’m sorry,” I whispered, wrapping my arms around my waist. Until I sorted out the confusing jumble of thoughts and feelings inside my head, it would be better if we kept our distance. “I–I can’t brush off last weekend like nothing happened. I need some space, okay?”
Cole’s expression hardened. “What, like last time?”
I must have hesitated for a beat too long, because he scoffed and stormed off without another word.
Thirteen
“Jackie, what are youdoing?”
I glanced up from where I lay on my stomach, one arm shoved beneath the bed. Parker stood in the doorway, rugby bag slung over one shoulder and mud smeared across her face. She was assessing the situation with a puzzled frown.
“Looking for my necklace,” I said, shooting to my feet. Maybe she knew where it was? While Parker normally wrinkled her nose at my choice in wardrobe, I’d caught her inspecting my jewelry box on more than one occasion, and I knew what it was like to have a sister. I used to borrow Lucy’s stuff all the time without asking her. “Have you seen it?”
“No, sorry. I’d offer to help, but…” She trailed off, eyes warily darting around our room.
