Page 68 of My Return to the Walter Boys
When I didn’t answer, Cole added, “Is this an excuse because you’re still mad about O’Brady’s? Or is it because I walked out on our conversation in the barn? I know I shouldn’t have done that, but I was ticked off and didn’t want to snap at you.”
“I’m not making excuses, I just”—I took a deep breath—“I don’t think this is working.”
A taut silence stretched between us as Cole stared at me, his eyes narrowing.
“What do you mean, ‘this isn’t working’?” he finally asked in a carefully controlled tone. “This, as in our three-week-long relationship?”
My throat constricted. “I—yes.”
“No shit, Jackie,” he said through clenched teeth. Even from five feet away, I could feel the frustration pouring off him in waves. “You haven’t given us enough time for it to work.”
“Exactly how much time do I owe you, then?” I said as a tiny flame of resentment kindled in my chest. “A month? Three?” It was an unfair question, but there was a defiant look in Cole’s eyes thatsaid he wouldn’t lie down and roll over so easily. If I had to resort to fighting fire with fire, so be it. “When I came back in August, Iwarnedyou that I’m not okay yet. So I’m sorry our relationship isn’t at the top of my priority list, but my entire world imploded, and I’m just starting to put the pieces back together. I wish I could snap my fingers and be all healed up for you, but it doesn’t work that way, Cole.”
“That’s what you’re going with? Theyou’re too brokenspiel?” He shook his head. “Give me a break, Jackie. Neither of us are stupid enough to believe that.”
I bristled. “So you think I’mpretendingto be upset?”
“Of course not! Anyone with eyes can see that you’re still struggling.” A vein pulsed in his temple as he spoke. “Do you honestly think I haven’t noticed that you struggle to breathe when something reminds you of your family? Or how you’re up at the crack of dawn each day because you can’t sleep?”
“What’s your point?”
Cole yanked off his snapback and carved his fingers through his hair, gripping it at the roots before letting go. He jammed the hat back on. “Remember when I took you to the Rift?” he asked. “We were having a really great time, but then you found that teacup.”
“I remember,” I whispered as the memory coiled around my chest like a vise.
“I could tell you were on the verge of spiraling, but that didn’t happen, did it?” The floor of the gazebo creaked as he walked overand crouched down in front of me. “You pushed through the pain so you could stay in the moment with me, and that means something, Jackie.”
“Oh really? Like what? That being with you willhealme?” I scoffed and rolled my eyes even as a thread of doubt wove its way through the cracks in my psyche. What if he was right? What if being with him helped, and he was exactly what I needed?
No, stop!I couldn’t start second-guessing myself.
“Well, I wouldn’t put it like that, but…yeah,” he admitted, his familiar cocky smile flickering to life on his face, then dying just as quickly. He reached out and put his hand on my knee. “Living in Colorado, spending time with me and my family, all that is good for you. You’re doing way better than this summer, and don’t try to deny it. Danny told me how bad things got. It’s only been two months, but now you’re running election campaigns and being a big sister to Parker and worrying about Isaac even though he’s turned into a raging asshole. Don’t push me away because we got into a little bit of trouble.”
He said this all so easily, with his whole chest, like if he spoke with enough conviction, it would changes things. It made my heart hurt, knowing that even if he was right, my mind was already made up. He had no idea what was at stake for me, how much worse off I’d be if I lost another family.
“Cole…”
“No, listen. This is gonna sound cheesy, but being with you makes me feel right in a way I haven’t felt since playing football,” he told me,his voice rough with emotion. “I know you’re still grieving, but let me support you through it. I don’t want to lose this feeling with you.”
The expression on his face was so soft, his eyes so blue.
“That’s not fair,” I said, shrinking away from his gaze. The tender way he was watching me was overwhelming, and I couldn’t handle it anymore. “You can’t put the pressure of your happiness on my shoulders.”
Time paused for a single, breathless beat, but that was all it took for his mood to shift.
“Are you shitting me?” He rose out of his crouched position so he was standing over me and clenched his fists. “That’s not what I’m doing at all.”
“Really? Considering your whole life right now, and then you tell me I’m the only good part of it…” I lifted my shoulder in a half shrug.
“What do you mean?” he snapped. “What are you saying about my life right now?”
“You know exactly what I mean!” I exclaimed, losing my patience. “You decide to defer school, then start brooding because you feel left behind, because all you’re doing is working at your jobs and have nothing going on—”
Cole reared back as if I’d struck him. “Is that how you see it?”
Crap, that came out wrong. “No, I—”
“What?” he spat. “You think I’m some loser because I don’t have a bright, shiny future at Princeton lined up for myself like you do?”
