Page 59 of At First Smile
Sweetness may envelop every aspect of Pen Meadows, but I don’t doubt her fierceness. The way she politely checked that flight attendant on the plane taught me that. Unlike me, she’s not a growly, rabid mongrel. Still, she’s formidable. Perhaps, more. My bite ensures my victim will run away and never comeback. With Pen, people simply bow to her demands. And I am ready to fall to my fucking knees for this woman.
“No, not just a croissant. I want to talk.”
Mouth drawn into a firm line; she stares at me expectantly.
But the hint of sunshine in her stormy expression emboldens me. “I don’t deserve your forgiveness?—”
“But you’re here anyways,” she scoffs.
“Yes.” I take a step closer and her candied scent spools around me. “I told you, I’m a selfish bastard. I don’t deserve it, but I want it… I want you.”
“You left me.”
“I know.” My eyes cling to hers, despite how much I want to cast down my gaze in shame.
“Why?”
“To protect you.” I take another step closer to her.
She remains rooted to her spot.
Our bodies are just an arm’s length away. All I need is to reach out and I could pull her into me, pressing her into my chest with the hope that my racing heart conveys all the truths that my clumsy words will never do a sufficient job communicating.
“JoJo was there, so I knew you had your person. I’d thought my leaving would draw the reporters away from you. It’s a poor excuse. But, at the time it seemed what was best for you.”
She crosses her arms over her chest. “Don’t you thinkI’mthe best judge of that?”
“Yes… That’s why I’m here. I never gave you a chance to make up your own mind. I was so focused on protecting you that I wasn’t completely honest with you.”
“Why didn’t you tell me what you are?”
“To protect you.” My forehead wrinkles. “Wait,whatI am?”
She rolls her eyes. “Being a hockey player is what you are, it’s notwhoyou are.”
“You may be one of the few who think that.”
Face pinched, she lets out a sibilant breath. “Well, most people lack imagination.”
My lips drag up at the corners.
She sighs. “What are you protecting me from, Rowan? Yes, you’re famous. Yes, your life is messy right now because of punch-gate, but what is it you’re really scared of?”
“Me… I’m scared of me.” It’s almost a croak.
“Oh, Rowan,” she whispers, her stiff posture eases and the steely expression melts. “It’s not forgiveness you don’t think you deserve… It’s me.”
The words cluster and choke in my throat.
“You didn’t leave to protect me, not really. You left to protect yourself. You waited to make your move fearing that you’d somehow disappoint me, but I think you didn’t want to let yourself down. That I’d turn out to be just like everyone else and not see you. You didn’t give me…usa chance.” Shaking her head, she starts walking away.
“You’re right.” Spinning, I follow her. “I’m fucking terrified.”
She stops but doesn’t pivot to face me.
“I am petrified I’ll let you down. I let down everyone who’s ever loved or had faith in me. I’m scared I’ll break your heart, or you’ll break mine.” I take a steadying breath. “I’ve always let that fear control me, keep me away…protect me. I don’t want to be safe if it means throwing away a chance to be with you. I am more scared than I’ve ever been that you’ll walk away.” I fist my hands at my sides. “But if that’s what you want, I understand. I just don’t want to hide from you anymore. So, here I am.” I swing up both hands. “I’m Rowan Iverson. I play hockey for the L.A. Bobcats. They call me Rowdy Rowan. I’ve been in every penalty box in the NHL…twice. I punched Landon Phillips and I’m not sorry about it. I’ve never really been in a real relationship. I tried with Emma Sinclair, but she was more interested in raisingher public profile. I wasn’t heartbroken about our breakup. That relationship was more about me trying to do what I thought I was supposed to, not about how I felt about her. In the year I dated Emma, I didn’t feel an ounce for her of what I felt in just thirty-five hours with you… That I still feel for you. God, I want you so bad and that hasn’t dulled in the last week, it’s only gotten stronger. I care about you…so, so much and that scares me. And I’m okay with being afraid because you’re worth it.”
As if in slow motion, Pen turns. Her eyes glossy and lips drawn into the sweetest smile.
