Page 110 of At First Smile
I twist my gaze to Gillian. “It’s still today… Not yet tomorrow.” Turning back to Rowan, I press a gentle kiss against his lips. “I love you. You can be mad at me later for this.” Grabbing the letter from the counter, I leave the room.
“For what?” Rowan’s question drifts down the hall, but I don’t look back. It’s not my past that needs to be dealt with, it’s theirs. And I may be risking our future for it.
CHAPTER TWENTY-FOUR
Shepherd’s Pie
Rowan
Blinking, I watch Pen disappear down the hall. Her melodic voice drifts back as she asks Finn and Mam to go for a walk. I want to follow, but my feet are rooted to the red and black checkered tiled floor. Something in the way she said “you can be mad at me for this later” commands me to stay. For what?I don’t know.
“Why has it been rough for you two?”
At my brother’s raspy question, I spin. “What?”
“Pen said it’s been a rough few weeks for you two.” He gestures to the empty entryway as if she still stood there. “Was it because of you punching Landon?”
“No,” I snap and turn toward the glass patio door, fixing on the gentle sway of the maple trees in the backyard.
Of course, his first thought would be that it had something to do with me, that I was the cause.Aren’t I, usually?
Don’t do that, baby.Pen’s sweetly firm voice whispers inside me.
With a long heavy sigh, I brace my hands on the kitchen island. “Sorry to disappoint youagain, but I’m not the reason.”
“What does that mean?”
I cross my arms over my chest. “You’ve been pretty clear what an utter disappointment I am to you.”
“You’re not?—”
“But I am,” I cut in, struggling to contain the anger that rages in my veins. “You were the only one not surprised after I lost the cup and then punched Landon. Like you were just waiting for me to fuck it up.”
“That’s not true.”
“It is. It’s how you’ve looked at me every day since….” I close my eyes.
“Since when?”
“Forget it,” I mutter and turn to walk away.
He reaches out and grabs my bicep, halting my steps. “No. Fucking talk to me.”
I could easily break free of my brother’s grip. He’s strong, but I’m stronger. However, the desperation shading his eyes immobilizes me.
“Since Dad.” The knot in my stomach tightens, painfully gnarling my emotions.
His face pinches. “That’s not true.”
“Bullshit.”
“I may have been tough on you, but I was doing my best. For God’s sake, I was a little boy too, trying to help you become a man. Nobody showed me how because the person that was supposed to was gone,” he shouts.
“Because of me, right?” I hiss, my words slam like a punch.
Blanching, he takes a step back, but his hand remains tight on my bicep. His mouth opens and closes a few times with no words breaching.
With a deep inhale, I let it out. “You told me it was my fault. You said if it wasn’t for me, he’d be alive.”
