Page 83 of At First Smile
“I…” That ever-present knot in my stomach tightens.
“Of course you’re angry. Those of us left behind are always a little angry. I’m angry with Aunt Bea.” Her admission is quiet.
Stunned, my eyes lock with hers.
“I’m angry that she didn’t get her regular mammogram because if she had, we might have caught the breast cancer early, and she’d still be here. I’m fucking furious with her for dying when she probably didn’t need to, if she’d have taken better care of herself instead of taking care of me,” she croaks.
I reach for her, but she steps away from my grasp, tears welling in her eyes. “Not until you say it. You don’t get to hold me, comfort me, for being brave enough to admit something you’re not willing to admit yourself.”
The words punch into my gut, pulverizing the tangled knot of emotions. “Pen.”
She stands firm.
I heave a hard breath. “I’m angry that you’re making me do this. I fucking hate that you won’t let me hold you right now, especially because I want to hold you to give me strength to be as brave as you and say the things I don’t even dare let myself think, let alone speak.” My vision blurs and the salty, held-back tears sting.
Pen steps into my chest, her head pressed over my thudding heart, and arms tight around me. Each squeeze of her arms loosens the unspoken truths from inside me.
“I’m furious with Gillian for telling me it’s my fault. I hate that Finn only ever said that Gillian didn’t mean it but never toldme that Dad’s death wasn’t my fault. I’m upset with Mam for taking us away from our lives just because she didn’t know how to live without him. I’m so goddamn angry with him for doing the one thing he told us never to do and leaving us to deal with the consequences. That he died before teaching me to be the man I know he was…the type of man I’m scared I’ll never be.”
Raising to her tiptoes, she grips my face and captures my watery stare. “I don’t know what type of man your dad was, but I know what type of man you are. You’re a good man, Rowan Iverson. You’re the man I’m falling for. You’re my man and I’m”—she offers a sweet smile— “your girl.”
“My girl?” The sweet proclamation thrums in my chest.
Wrapping her arms around my neck, she beams. “For the record, I am a strong adult woman who does not enjoy when anyone refers to me asgirl… But I like the idea of being your girl. Just yours.”
“Pen.” I capture her lips with mine.
Everything I want to convey is in each kiss, hungrier than the last.I don’t deserve you, but I’ll do as you asked and just agree to let myself be happy and you make me so happy.
I only hope I do the same.
CHAPTER NINETEEN
MVP
Pen
Four weeks ago, Rowan Iverson came into my life. It’s hard to imagine a time before then. Since brunch almost two weeks ago, we’ve nestled into this relationship. Eight of the last eleven nights found me falling asleep curled up with Rowan, GB slumbering at our feet, and waking up in his arms. He and Wes even joined the bicoastal besties for a repeat brunch performance, minus Gillian. Finn took the call behind his locked study door.
As the bus eases down the street, I read the last message from Rowan, my lips tug up into an oversized grin. Even Trina admits that she’s never seen me this happy. The one good thing about the interaction with Gillian is that it seemed to have thawed Trina’s iciness about Rowan. She won’t be rocking the Team Row-Pen T-shirts that JoJo teases she’s going to make, but Trina has safely become pro-Rowan.
Rowan: Pick you up at six.
Me: I can take a Lyft. It’s such an inconvenience for you to drive all the way out here and then back to L.A.
Rowan: Which means I get MORE time with you and less time waiting for you. Eager face emoji.
A sharp laugh falls out of me causing a nearby passenger to clear their throat. Thanks to JoJo, Rowan has quickly adopted the habit of typing out emojis.
Me: If you insist.
In the almost three weeks since we’ve started dating, Rowan’s primarily come to me in Seal Beach. Except for the first trip to Axel’s with JoJo, and then another one last Saturday before the three of us headed to watch Wes in his new show, this is the first trip I’m taking to Rowan’s place. Tonight, I’ll stay at his condo since we’ll be attending the MVP Foundation’s event tomorrow.
I’m going as a representative of Walters Children’s Hospital, along with the Chief of Staff and my soon-to-be-boss Nelson. As Nelson reminded me as I left the hospital this afternoon, this is my first test in the role I’ll soon be officially acting in. Rowan will be there as a celebrity client of one of the foundation’s founders.
Me: While highly inappropriate, it was rather ingenious to orchestrate a partnership with the hospital I work at just to try to get us in the same place again.
Rowan: You’d think getting twelve percent of my earnings would be enough for them, but they want to meddle in one hundred percent of my life.
