Page 126 of The Scandalous Love of a Duke
‘I know where she was now. He had took me from her, after my father died. Disowned her and left her to starve. He told me, she was dead. She had prostituted herself to survive. My grandfather was a heartless bastard. And do you know what makes it worse? He made me the same as him. I don’t want to be, but I am. I cannot be myself. You told me I was spoilt. I was not spoilt, I was beaten until I bent to his will, and now I do not know how to straighten up again.’
Katherine hugged him and kissed his cheek. ‘That is not true, John. You are not like him, not with me.’
‘The dream has changed,’ he whispered to her hair. ‘Before we wed, the woman chasing the carriage became you, and now a child is there, our child. What if I cannot love the child, Katherine? What if I cause my son or daughter the pain he caused me? When my mother married Edward, I was glad to have a father, I looked up to him and loved him, and Mary, she was a novelty, as was Robbie, but by the time the others came, I was already disengaged. I look at them now, my brothers and sisters and I feel nothing. What if I feel nothing for my own child?’
She pulled away, her fingers framing his face in the darkness. ‘You said yourself Mary and Robbie were new to you. You have not connected with the others because by then you were not at home. Your own children will be new to you, and you will not be away from them, you will bring them up, share their lives. So you will not feel distant because you will not be distant.’
His hands embraced hers.
‘John, I believe you love me. You will love our child.’
A breath sucked into his lungs as his fingertips tentatively touched her stomach.
‘You are wearing one of my shirts.’
‘I did not wish to leave this room in case you thought I would not sleep here and locked the door.’
He laughed. ‘I would not lock you out.’
‘You shut me out at the ball, John.’
‘And that is why you were angry…’ She felt his muscle tighten again. ‘I was not shutting you out. I was shutting them out…’
‘And holding me at a distance too. I wish to be your friend and your helpmate as much as your wife, John?—’
‘I have told you more than I have told anyone. I have told you about Egypt, about Elizabeth and now my grandfather. Believe me, I never thought I would tell anyone that.’
‘I know. But still, you only tell me and show me what you wish. Perhaps you are not shutting me out, but yourself in. You let me see what little you choose, like I am placed in some compartment of your life until you deem to visit it. I feel as though half the time I am standing at a window looking in at you.’
She took a breath. She had to tell him how she felt. ‘You will not speak of your business with me, as though it would be beyond me. Thrice you have told me I would not want to know. I have asked. Does that not tell you that I do want to know? You avoid me in the day, because God forbid anyone may think you put me first. Or do you do it because you do not like my company unless we are in bed? In the evening, on the two occasions you have taken me out, you set such an expression on your face people must wonder why you married me. They certainly cannot think you happy, nor in love. Which, considering my birth, leaves only indecent possibilities.’ She stopped but only to draw another breath. ‘I was propositioned thrice tonight, by men who think you too cold to warm my bed… The hard exterior you use is like your grandfather. But you are not him. I want you to share everything with me and let others see beneath your mask. I want them to know you love me and that you are caring and kind. You must show yourself if you do not want to be like him.’
He sucked in a deep breath.
She knew he was angry again.
Pushing her aside, he climbed from the bed, and, without a word, walked out of the room.
She did not call him back, or try to prevent him from leaving. He had needed to hear what she had said. He had just told her he suffered from nightmares because he could not be who he wished to be. She was right and he knew it.
She heard him stop within his sitting room and then turn back.
‘There is a new rule in this marriage, Katherine,’ he said from the door. ‘You are not to dance with anyone without my permission, understood?’
She did not answer and he didn’t wait for her to. It was a ducal command.
He slammed the door.
Her hand covered her stomach. He could love the child, she knew he could, but only if he allowed it, and he had a stubborn vein of iron running through his soul.
But he had married her – she had to believe that given time he would make the right choice again.
46
When Katherine woke, for the first time in days she found herself in an empty bed.
She missed him. She had become used to him silently setting the chamber pot next to her and then bidding the maid enter.
A knock struck the door.
