Page 2 of The Secret Love of a Gentleman
Mary also stood, with the baby sleeping in her arms. ‘We shall see you both at John’s tomorrow. I believe we have even persuaded Caro to come, because the children are with us.’
A frown creased his mother’s brow. ‘I feel very sad for Caroline. I wish there was more I could do to help. She looks so uncomfortable the moment I begin a conversation, though.’
‘She is not unhappy, Mama,’ Drew said. ‘She would be more distressed to think you pitied her.’
Unease swung over Rob, a heavy cloak of responsibility settling on his shoulders. He did not want to remain at John’s after the family left, Drew was right, it would be too quiet, but nor did he want to make Caroline unhappy. He could go home with his parents, or stay with any of his uncles and aunts, but Mary had invited him, and he liked it here.
He had finished at Oxford. This summer was his time to plan his independence. Rob was the odd one out in his extended family. Among all of his cousins, he was the only firstborn son without a title or a vast inheritance awaiting him. He was the grandson of an Earl on his paternal side and a Duke on the maternal side, but not in any line of inheritance. His birth gave him the freedom to do whatever he wanted to do with his life, though. His life could have purpose rather than wealth. He did not need an occupation as his ducal brother, John, chose to provide Rob with an income, but he wanted to support himself.
The cheque for his first quarter’s allowance had been handed to him on his twenty-first birthday. Rob ought to be grateful,he was, but the idea of living off John jarred brutally.
John had everything, wealth, a title, and he was skilled at everything too – managing his estates, presenting bills in the House of Lords, he drew sketches like a master artist, sang with the voice of an opera singer and played the pianoforte equally well.
Rob wanted to make something of himself, to have an influence on society. To do something important, or at least notably successful. He wanted to make a mark on the world without a leg up from anyone in his family. His cousins and his brother, Harry, mocked hisphilanthropistthoughts, but it could not be a bad thing to want to make a difference.
He wanted a position in government. That was his great plan – to achieve a seat in the House of Commons and change societyfor the better from there. The flaw in his great plan was that to be elected he needed money for a campaign. He could ask for a loan from anyone in his family. But they would simply offer him one of their pocket seats. Many landowners had areas where they could manage the local men to vote for a man of their choice.
The whole idea of that rankled.
It would hardly fulfil his moral desires if he had acquired a seat dishonestly. There would be no pride in that. What mattered most to him was being able to respect the man he looked at in the mirror, and if that man was going to stand up for the poor, he could not do so knowing his seat in Parliament had come from his family’s money.
In fact, the only detail in his plan to date was that his plan did not become John-shaped.
This summer would give him time to explore the constituencies that had a House of Commons seat he might stand for, and to identify how to fund his campaign.
‘Robbie.’ His mother touched his elbow. ‘We should leave.’
He had been lost in thought. He agreed, bowing his head.
He had been the one to drive her over here to visit Mary because his father was busy with John, looking at something on John’s estates.
He kissed his sister’s cheek and his niece’s forehead, his fingers brushing over the wispy hair on her soft head.
Another benefit of staying with Mary and Drew was that he did not feel like a lesser mortal, because he was not constantly comparing himself to John.
Drew’s palm rested on Rob’s shoulder. ‘We shall see you at John’s garden party tomorrow, and we will have a merry time this summer.’
2
Lady Caroline Kilbride stood alone inside the house, watching everyone else gathered on the broad stone terrace and the lawn beyond it. Her stomach felt as though it contained wriggling frogspawn not butterflies.
There were dozens of people here, adults and children, the sound outside full of laughter, gleeful screams and merry conversation. Her brother, Drew, was among them, playing cricket on the lawn with others, and many of the children. Her sister-in-law, Mary, was sitting on a blanket beneath a canopy with other women. She held their daughter, Iris, in her arms.
Many of the women had young children.
It was more than three years ago that she first came to the Duke of Pembroke’s ostentatious Palladian mansion. She felt then as she felt now, overwhelmed, not by the house, or John’s wealth, but by the people. Her heart pulsed with the beat of a bird’s wings and a lump of nausea pressed at the back of her throat urging her to be sick.
She felt like a parasite, a divorcee hiding among these happy couples, clinging to her brother and sucking life from his family.She hated the need to rely on Drew; her shame pressed down on her daily with a steel-hard pain. Sometimes it felt as though her former husband’s hands were still about her throat, cutting off her breath. Sometimes it felt as though she had not breathed for three years.
This family accepted her, all of them. Her misery was of her own making. But the perfect lives of these people reminded her she had failed to be a loved wife and mother. Guilt, shame, and longing to be able to change the past, were her constant companions.
If she was at Drew’s house, she would retire to her rooms, but she had agreed to come here with them and so she must wait until her brother and his wife left. Mary said she would need help with Iris and George, but there were enough adults to manage all the children.
‘Bowl! Hurry!’ John yelled from his position behind the wicket, holding up his open hands, waiting to catch the batsman out. The ball was thrown by an uncle, and his cousin was caught out.
Some of the women and children cheered, others booed, depending on whom their allegiance lay with.
John slapped his uncle’s shoulder and his uncle laughed.
