Page 33 of The Secret Love of a Gentleman
Drew smiled slightly, giving his cautious agreement, as Mary hovered, clearly unsure if she should leave Caro.
‘You go on,’ Caro reassured them. ‘Do not let me spoil your evening.’
Voices rose as another party entered behind them.
‘Rob.’ Caro’s fingers closed tighter about his hand. ‘Please may we go?’
He led her off the steps and past the group who had entered,aware that this was not merely lack of confidence from the way she was breathing so quickly. It seemed a very real terror. Memories of his younger siblings experiencing nightmares came to mind, their breathing would become like this in their sleep, then when they woke, in a moment of pure terror, they had, at times, clung to him in a similar way to Caro. The difference was, Caro’s nightmares were not imagined.
‘We will walk this way,’ he said, as they stepped outside. The evening air was warm, humid and heavy.
She drew in a deep breath.
He walked her away from the carriages.
A little further along the street there was a churchyard. They would be undisturbed and unobserved if they walked the pathways there, and Caro would have a chance to calm herself. Compassion gripped tight in Rob’s chest. ‘This way.’ He led her through the churchyard’s wrought-iron gate on to a flagstone pathway.
The shadows cast by the moon’s light absorbed them and the darkness seemed to ease Caro, as her hold on his hand slackened. He released her. Her breathing slowed as her arms folded across her chest, her hands holding onto her upper arms, as though she were hugging herself.
‘Caro…’
She did not answer.
‘If I remember rightly, there is a stone bench over there. Shall we sit for a while?’
‘My dress, Rob. I do not want to ruin it.’
Of course, the stone seat would be soiled with lichen that would stain the silk. As they walked on, he became conscious of how leading her into the dark might look. If anyone noticed them enter the churchyard, they might make assumptions and gossip.But she was a divorced woman with more freedoms than someone young and unmarried, reputation did not matter in the same way. Yet, even so, it would be better if they remained in sight from the street. As they approached a patch of moonlight, he stopped walking and faced her. ‘Tell me why you became distressed?’
‘I cannot explain it, it is irrational.’
‘Remember, I am the man you may tell things to… You told me you loved Kilbride. I did not judge. Explain this to me. It will help, I am sure.’
‘I do not understand why myself.’
‘Then tell me what happens. Tell me what you think. How you feel.’
‘It is my nerves. It is panic. I cannot even say that it is fear, but I suppose it is. A lot of loud conversation makes me feel uncomfortable and I hate being hemmed in and touched. If I am… I remember things from the past, the memories are like sharp flashes, as though the memories were shards of broken glass thrusting at me all at once. It is the memory of the feelings that strike me, not what I see. Fear…’ She smiled. ‘Yes, I suppose it is fear. I was afraid of Albert in the end, and when I am in spaces like that, or among a lot of people, or touched unexpectedly, my nerves revolt and I feel desperate to escape.’ A frown creased her forehead. ‘It was not only the violence I was afraid of with Albert, but how he made me feel – humiliated, hated, rejected,’ she said quietly.
‘Oh, Caro…’ Compassion lanced through Rob’s chest. His fingers lifted and touched her chin. He did not know if he lowered his head further or if Caro rose to her toes, but by some action their lips touched, hers pressing against his.
He had not kissed a woman for over a year. Then, it had been a barmaid who had flirted with him. It had not lasted long.Kissing Caro was completely different; her lips touched his gently, tentative not urgent, her lips opening against his.
He stepped closer, his hand slipping to Caro’s nape as he opened his mouth too.
Her arms wrapped about his neck and his other hand rested at her waist.
Desire dived through his body to his groin, as their tongues continued an exquisite dance. A sigh escaped from his throat and entered her mouth as the desire to lay her down and do far more than kiss settled with a heavy sensation in his groin. But this was wrong.
He broke the kiss, looking into her eyes, as the sound of their breaths filled the night air. ‘I am sorry,’ he said.
She said nothing as her arms unravelled from his neck and lowered.
He had to take away her fear, he could not let her suffer any more. ‘No harm will come to you here. You have my word. Drew is well respected. You will not be rejected or ill-treated.’
‘As I said, I know it is irrational. I am not rejected by your family, am I?’
‘Then you must learn to believe it, you must convince yourself to trust that if you walk into a space, or anyone is near, you are safe, because you are happy and courageous, and whatever happens, they cannot change that. You are capable of this, Caro.’
