Page 61 of The Reckless Love of an Heir
So all the blame was on him. He would be damned if heaccepted it all. She had kissed him back. He would have rather had this conversation when he was not also trying to drive. He was tempted to stop the curricle, but Alethea chose that moment to look over her shoulder and wave.
His head turned and he barked at Susan. ‘Alethea does not give a fig for me. Look at her. This is nothing to do with she and I. This is only about us.’
‘You should love her.’
He would not. He could not. His feelings for Susan, were no meagre partiality, they would not be set aside. ‘There is nothing fixed between Alethea and I. I invited her to town to see if we would be compatible and to discover if a greater measure of feelings grew, but it is not Alethea who is inspiring finer feelings in me, it is you.’ He neared a crossroads in the street that required his full attention.
An enclosed carriage turned into the road, so Alethea and Stourton were a carriage ahead of them.
‘But you cannot have feelings for me.’
It was as though she were begging him not to have any interest in her, but as he’d discovered in Brighton such things would not be ordered away. ‘I cannot help how I feel. I have not chosen to be attracted to you, it is an emotion that has gathered of its own accord.’
‘Why?’ She sounded as though she could not believe anyone would be attracted to her.
He looked at her, for a moment only. ‘Because you are beautiful, strong-willed, more independent of mind than your sister, and intelligent, you spar with me… I like your wit.’
‘While you are reckless, proud, spoilt and everything I dislike.’
That was arguing against herself, not him. She was battlingher feelings as strongly as he had wrestled his in Brighton. But like him, she had not won.
He glanced at her. ‘Do you like me as I like you? Perhaps there is no accounting for it, but why should we deny it?—’
‘Because you are meant for Alethea!’
‘You would have me make her unhappy then? If I married her now, I would spend every day looking at you and wanting to be with you.’
‘I will move away. Far away.’
‘To where? You have no income.’
‘To anywhere. I can find a husband or a position.’
He glanced at her again. A husband. Another man. ‘I know you have kissed no one else. You cannot have felt this for anyone else. It probably scares you. Hell and the Devil, Susan, it scares me.’ He took a breath. ‘I raced to Brighton to outrun the feelings. I could not. My affection for you is like an itch inside me, a constant feeling. I have not ceased thinking of you. Please,’ he looked at her again, as they turned into another street and neared Wellington Arch and the entrance to Hyde Park, ‘let us explore it at least. It is the same for you, I know.’ He steered the horses beneath the arch and on towards the gates of Hyde Park, past Apsley House, the Wellingtons’ residence.
He flicked the straps as they turned off the road. They were once more directly behind Alethea and Stourton.
‘You cannot pretend you feel nothing; I saw it in your eyes before we kissed and after.’
She did not answer.
He looked over. Her colour had heightened again, but at least she had ceased denying this was true.
Stourton’s carriage slowed before them and Alethea turned to beckon Henry forward, to draw up beside Stourton’s carriage.
Henry obeyed the summons. He could hardly not, andbesides, he had no idea where his conversation with Susan was leading.
Susan leaned a little forward to look around him so she might see Alethea and talk. He pressed back against the seat so she need not lean so far. She glanced at him with a look of surprise before focusing on her sister.
Of course, she thought himself-centred and careless.
He and Stourton kept their horses to a walk as they rode on, side by side, so the sisters were able to talk. Henry participated intermittently, as did Stourton – as and when Alethea drew them into the conversation. Stourton often contributed with a beguiled smile. He was interested in Alethea. Henry hoped Alethea had a genuine interest in Stourton, he would wish them luck.
He sighed, as Susan was speaking, leaning forward as he leaned back. It occurred to him that she might believe their kiss came from a place of reckless disregard and selfish indulgence. He had acted rashly, but it was because he did care, he could not ignore his feelings for her.
Today, when they returned to Uncle Casper’s house, or at the very latest this evening, he would tell Alethea he would not progress, and declare the depth of his emotions to Susan.
His next steps confirmed in his mind, Henry tried to relax and behave as he normally would by joining in the conversation and talking to Stourton. When he became more engaged in the conversation, though, Alethea focused on more enthusiastic discussions with him. Stourton looked from one to the other of them and Susan ceased to speak.
