Page 41 of The Forbidden Love of an Officer
He stared all the time and spent hours riding beside the cart as the men marched. She felt as though he only rode beside the cart to watch her.
Why does he watch me?That thought had slipped through her head a thousand times since they began this journey.
Paul had deliberately not told anyone in the regiment which family she came from. He thought she would be safer if no one knew her status. If anyone was captured during a battle, they might be tempted to bargain with the enemy for their freedom, offering her up as a captive for a ransom.
She wondered if the lieutenant colonel suspected; her father’s black hair and pale eyes were distinctive and she and all her sisters had inherited his colouring. That still did not really explain it, though. Even if he knew, why did he stare constantly? He did not need to keep looking at her.
She had thought of saying something to Paul. He had no idea how many hours the lieutenant colonel spent beside the cart watching her. Yet this was his superior officer.
If the lieutenant colonel spoke, it would be easier. It would at least break the unbearable atmosphere. But he did not speak, merely rode in silence, staring.
She had thought about speaking to the lieutenant colonel, to see if that stopped him staring, but she had no idea what to say – other thango away. So she only spoke with the women, and he did not participate in their conversation. That conversation was always stilted anyway, though, because of the gaping class divide between her and them.
As they rode on, she wondered if the others in the cart found his presence uncomfortable. If they did though, they would not share their thoughts with an officer’s wife.
Ellen looked into the back of the cart. ‘Nancy, is your wrist better?’ Nancy sat on top of a chest there.
‘It is a little, ma’am.’
‘Well, Jennifer will help you with the meal and washing if you need her to, if it is still too painful for you to work.’
‘Yes, ma’am,’ Jennifer responded from her position on the opposite side of the cart.
‘Thank you, ma’am,’ Nancy answered. Nancy was only a couple of years older than Ellen, and she had fallen onto her wrist as they had walked earlier, twisting it, meaning she would have difficulty fulfilling her role in supporting her husband and the regiment. The soldiers’ wives did not just help their own men, but others too.
Of course, as an officer’s wife, and genteelly bred, it was not for Ellen to do the same, but she loaned them Jennifer and supported where she could.
She had not really formed friendships with these women, they were too mindful of her class, but they did talk with her.
Later, when the men set up camp and put up the tent she shared with Paul, Ellen helped Jennifer sort out their bedding, wondering again whether or not to say something to Paul about the lieutenant colonel.
When they had finished the task, Paul was nowhere in sight, and it was late, the sky was a rich deep blue waiting to turn to black as dusk hovered.
‘The Captain will be among the officers, Jennifer. Shall we walk across to fetch him and stretch our legs a little?’
Jennifer nodded.
Ellen missed Pippa, her nurse since childhood. Pippa had become a part of her family, Jennifer was simply a maid. She did not converse with Ellen, although she spoke with the other wives. She walked with Ellen now because it was her responsibility. Having been brought up, waited on and cared for by servants, Ellen wondered if the maid’s awkwardness was her fault. She had never had company or friends beyond her sisters, perhaps it was because she did not know how to speak and act among others.
Mistress Porter looked up as Ellen passed. Ellen lifted a hand. Mistress Porter smiled, stopping in her task of sorting through cooking provisions, straightened and bobbed a shallow curtsy. Smiling too, Ellen acknowledged the gesture with a little nod before walking on.
She could think of nothing to say to break the silence between herself and Jennifer. Sometimes she felt imprisoned by her past – she felt unable to fully fit within this life.Would she ever fit?
Sometimes her heart longed for all the luxuries she had left behind – her soft bed, quiet rooms, tea and easy conversation. She missed warm baths to bathe in, spare hours to embroider pretty images, her pianoforte to play music – music she could escape into; afternoons spent with her sisters talking of the fashion, and the books in her father’s library.
The pace of her strides quickened as she hurried to see Paul, longing for his company – and the time of day that made up for all other times.
The officers stood gathered about a large table within the marquee that was set up as a living space for the lieutenant colonel.
Ellen was permitted entry, and left Jennifer to return to the area where Paul’s men camped.
Only the lieutenant colonel and one other officer were married. The other wives had been left in England. Perhaps that was why the lieutenant colonel stared – because he disapproved of her presence? She was more of a burden to the regiment than an aid. The other women worked for the men. She did not. Lieutenant Colonel Hillier looked up and gave her a stiff smile. ‘Mrs Harding.’ He was the only one who had been able to see her at that point. The others leaned over the table before him, on which a large map was spread. They all straightened, looking back at her.
Paul turned. ‘Ellen…’
She smiled, looking only at her husband. ‘Sorry to interrupt.’
The lieutenant colonel answered, ‘It is not an issue. We are almost done.’
