Page 101 of Devil in Disguise
“Yeah, right,” Dyma said, with some semblance of her normal spunk. “You? All you ever wanted to do was to get Annabelle out of there and take care of her. All you ever wanted to do with mymomwas take care of her.”
“I know that,” he said. “Rationally, I know that. Because I’m not my dad, and I’m not my mom. We start out with some … parts, our DNA, our raising, but the rest of the story, we write for ourselves. But do you know what it’s like to hold your baby son, think about your dad holding you that same way, when you were new and helpless, andstillremember the sound of that belt falling on your skin? To remember how you’d grit your teeth to keep from making any noise, because you couldn’t stand to let him know he was getting to you? And to think about what you’ll do when your own boy makes you mad? You bet I’ve worried. I know how mad I’ve gotten. I know how hard it’s been to control it, too. In the middle of the night? Yeah, I’ve remembered, and I’ve worried. If I ever do something to Nick that bothers you,” he told Jennifer. “If I ever evensayanything that bothers you—tell me.”
“I will,” she said. “And you’ll tell me, because sometimes, kids push your buttons and you get mad and have to take a breather. Getting mad isn’t abuse. Consequences aren’t abuse.”
“Fortunately,” Dyma said, with a smile that took some effort, “or I’d beseriouslyabused.”
“On the day I told you I was pregnant,” Jennifer told Harlan, “I told you that I hoped you were the father. And—whoops. I just told everybody there was some doubt about that. Well, Grandpa already knew. And Dyma. But Owen and Annabelle, I guess. Sorry. I can’t remember if you ever heard that. I’d just broken up with somebody else when I met Harlan.”
“No problem,” Annabelle said. “I don’t judge too much.”
“Because you don’t think you can,” Dyma said. “And youtotallycan. You get to … to set limits, too. Weallget to set limits. We all get to have boundaries.”
“O … K?” Annabelle said. “Your mom was saying something, though.”
“Oh,” Jennifer said. “That I wanted Harlan to be the father, because he was kind, and kindness matters. Sometimes, I think kindness matters most of all. Harlan’s kind, and so are you, Dyma. That’s something you can’t fake, because kindness comes out in the things you do, just like evil does. Why were you so upset by that show? Because of what they said about me, and whatyousaid about Owen, and what you worried could be true about yourself. If you worry that you’re a sociopath, though, I’m pretty sure that means you’re not a sociopath. If you worry that you could hurt somebody, especially somebody you love, you’re going to move heaven and earth to try to hurt them less. There’s nothing wrong with being passionate, and there’s nothing wrong with being you. You know one personI’velearned from? You.”
“Me?” Dyma asked. “What have you learned? How to lose your temper?”
“Yes, you. And Grandma, because if you’ve really got somebody in you, it’s Grandma. She stood up for me every single time and every single way. She stood up for anybody who got mistreated. She couldn’t stand unfairness, and neither can you. I wish I was more like you, and that’s the truth. I’m proud as I can be of the way you push yourself, and the way you won’t stand for wrongdoing. I wish I had your guts and your conviction and your fire. And that show doesn’t matter a bit to me. Not abit.There’s nothing anybody can say anymore that hasn’t been said. I know who I am. I know what I want. I’m not ashamed. And you shouldn’t be ashamed, either. If Pavani’s parents don’t want you? That’s their loss, and we’ll figure out something else. Also, I don’t care what those girls said. They’d never met anybody who called them out and put them in their place, and now they have. Now they’ve met you.”
43
One Rocky Road
He still hadn’t boughther a car. It was killing him not to do it. Jennifer had a car—if you could even call it that. Only Harlan would have thought that one up. Even Annabelle had a car. Dyma still only had a bike, though, and she was still working in that dining hall, too.
He’d given her earrings for Christmas. It wasn’t nearly enough, especially not after everything that had happened tonight, everything she was feeling, but what were you going to do? His real present had been delayed. And, man, he hoped she liked it.
He asked her later that night, in the aftermath of the kind of sweet, strong lovemaking that reached all the way to your heart, “What do you think about getting signed up for some wives-and-girlfriends things? Because I got you started on that.”
“Uh …” She was sprawled over him like a cat basking in his warmth, but now, she raised her head and propped her chin on her hands. On his chest. “What kinds of things?”
“There’s a deal on Friday.” He ran his hands down her back. He could nearly span her waist with his two hands, and he wanted to do it all the time.
Yeah, he had it bad.
She said, “New Year’s Eve.”
“Right, but there’s no party, because … game on Sunday. We’ll do our own New Year’s. Works for me.”
She kissed his chest again and said, “Me, too.” And he smiled.
“But anyway,” he went on, “they’re doing a ladies’ thing instead. Bowling, and lunch. A fun time, is the idea. They do those quite a bit.” He didn’t say,Ashley loved them,because he wasn’t a fool.
“So what do the guys do who are gay?”
“Keep their mouths shut about it, probably. That’ll be interesting, when it happens. So do you want to go? Meet some of the other women? I think your mom’s going. That might make it easier.”
“I don’t think my mom’s ever been bowling in herlife.In case you didn’t notice, she didn’t have much of a teenage stage.”
“Yeah, well, I don’t think the bowling’s the point. Social activity, that’s all.” He waited, still surprised how much it mattered to him.
She didn’t say any of the things he’d expected. She said, “Do you want me to go?”
No point in not admitting it. “Yeah. I do.”
“Because it says something about us,” she guessed.
