Page 116 of Devil in Disguise
What You Give
When she openedthe door to her room, he said, “I’ll stick this in the microwave,” and she said, “Good. Just give me a second,” and headed into the bathroom.
Her eye makeup was smeared, because she’d cried a little. Her feet hurt, and she had blisters, because she’d walked too far and eventually had to take off her shoes. She washed her feet in the tub, hobbled out, and said, “Next time I have a crisis, I’m wearing more comfortable shoes.”
She sat on the bed, and he sat down beside her and picked up her foot to inspect it. “Ouch. Call down to the desk later and ask for some Band-Aids. They’ll have them.”
She laid her head on his shoulder and sighed. “Thanks.”
He had his arm around her now. “Want to tell me about it? Or do you want me to call room service? I checked. They’ve got seared scallops, or seafood rice. Lobster, shrimp, mussels. Sounded good even to me, and I just ate about half my weight in steak.”
She picked up her cardboard container of mushroom something-or-other and poked a plastic fork into it. “I really, really want that rice. It’sbadhow much I want it.”
“You got it.” He picked up the room phone and called down. When he hung up, he sat beside her and said, “So.”
“So.” She set the mushrooms aside. “I just …” Right on cue, her chest started to tighten. She tried to go on, and couldn’t.
“You thought you had it figured out,” he said. “Thought you had it together.”
“Is Mom OK?”
“Yeah. I texted her while you were in the bathroom.”
“Oh. Good. I don’t want to make her worry. That’s thepoint.She’s worried enough. And I’ve worked …” There came the tears again, rising up behind her eyes. “I’ve tried sohard.And I get that it’s just money to Harlan, and he doesn’t have to spend it on me, and I should be grateful. Iamgrateful. This had to be so far down his list. And anyway, what’s my option? Drop out until I’m twenty-four, so I can be an independent student and get financial aid on my own? I looked it up. It’s age or marital status, and I’m nineteen and single. But, see, it’s so much more than money to me. It’s my whole … my wholeself.”
“Yep. It’s what you said. Everything you’ve worked for.”
She took a breath and admitted the thing she’d never said out loud before. “I wanted to go to MIT. I wanted it so bad. It was seventy-three thousand a year, though. They offered fifty, but I thought …” She had to dash at her eyes with the back of her hand. “I thought, even if I got a great job afterwards, because, you know, MIT, how could I ever pay back seventy thousand, just for my bachelor’s? How could I go for my master’s after that? And I knew my mom couldn’t really help me, not after she bought the plane tickets. Do you know that she pays Grandpa Oscar’s rent? If she didn’t, he’d have to move in with her, and it’s the last thing he wants. Even before she met Harlan, she was doing that. She hardly has any retirement savings at all, because she was always just trying to survive. I couldn’t stand …” Some more of those sneaky tears. “I couldn’tstandto be one more thing weighing her down. And now, it’s like with all of my … my planning, all of myadulting—I’m back at Square One. And I’m not even at MIT! I gave up my chance. Fornothing.”
“Except that you’re not at Square One,” he said. “You’re still moving along your path. And you’re not weighing her down. You’re freeing her up. You’re freeing Harlan up. You don’t want to take money from him, because you think he has no responsibility for you. I get it. I do. He wants to do it, though, because your momdoeshave too much responsibility, and he wants to take some of that weight off her. Dyma, that’s what a guy does. That’s what a guyis.”
“But … no. Lots of women out-earn their partners. Twenty-first century?”
“And their partners are OK with that, because they’repartners.What was that thing you said? You can either be an independent student by age, or by marital status. Why is that? Because then you have a partner, and you’re doing it together.”
“Fine. But you just contradicted yourself.”
“No, I didn’t. When Harlan was in trouble, your mom jumped right in. I know she did.”
“Yes, because my mom’s basically a saint. Also, that wasn’t money.”
“Exactly. That’s because money wasn’t what your mom had to give. She helped every way she could, though, right?”
“Ri-i-ight.” She said it slowly. This argument was confusing her. “Except that you just said that a man wants to take responsibility off a woman. Like she’s in charge of nothing. Nobody wants to be in charge of nothing. And if youarein charge, well, yeah, that can be hard sometimes. But it also gives you the power. If Harlan pays for me, what if I … I don’t know, want to change my major?”
“Chance of that happening?” he said. “Slim to none.”
“Excuse me. Example? What if I say, it’s going to take me an extra year, because I burn passionately to do something else? And he says, sorry, no more money for you, then?”
“Then you get what you’ve just asked for, I guess.”
“Oh. Wait. I do. But I’mright.You know I’m right. Paying gives you the power. Look at my mom’s car! Did she want that car? She’s probably terrified she’s going to mess it up.”
“You know,” he said, “I don’t think your mom hates that car one bit. That car says, ‘The guy I’m marrying is crazy about me and grateful to have me, and he wants to share his life with me. He doesn’t just want me to have what he has, he wants me to havebetterthan what he has.’ If your mom’s cooking steaks, who gets the best one?”
“I don’t know,” she said. Possibly sullenly. She was feeling a little sullen. Shewonarguments. “I try not to look at steaks.”
“Harlan, that’s who. I know, because I’ve seen. If one piece of cake is bigger? If one steak is thicker? He gets it. If she runs out of something for herself, does she run to the store? I’ll bet not. If he runs out, though, she’s going to fix that. And if he’s got trouble, he’s going to tell her, and she’s going to help. Because they’re partners, and it makes her happy to take care of him like that. And before you get all gender-role on me, did you hear him complaining about her saying that her job is the thing she’s proudest of this year? Nope. If you ask him, the money’s the easy part. The money, he’s got. The hard part has been the rest of it. Opening up, or whatever.”
