Page 117 of Devil in Disguise
“It still feels bad, though. And before you say it, I know those presents you’ve bought me are too much. I get it. But I don’tneedthem. That’s why I can take them. Do you really not get that?”
She’d felt so much better when she’d seen him. Now, shewasback at Square One. What if it wasn’t just money? What if she was depending on Owen for … for everything?
There was a thought to make you panic.
“So what are you going to do?” he asked. “Not take the money? Drop out of school?”
She put her feet on the edge of the bed and wrapped her arms around her legs. “No. I can’t. It’s just …”
“It’s not perfect,” he said.
“No. And, yeah, gratitude. See, I don’twantto have to be grateful! I want toearnit.”
“What would happen if you wanted something from people?” he asked. “If you needed someone, and you admitted it? You want to take care of yourself. You think you’re onlysafeif you take care of yourself. I get it, your mom and all. Well, great. You’re getting a degree so you can take care of yourself, but you need help to do it, and that’s normal. You got a scholarship. You worked hard. Now, things have changed, but you’ll still have to work hard. If I’d blown out my shoulder or something in college, and my folks had had to help me out to get my degree, I sure wouldn’t have liked it, but I’d have taken it, if I couldn’t have done it any other way. They’re my folks. It’s what parents do. It’s whatI’lldo. It’s life. Peopleneed people.”
“But being responsible for myself iswhyI can follow my dreams! Money ispower,Owen!”
“Then why are you with me?”
He didn’t shout it. Heaskedit. His eyes steady, his big body not moving.
“I …” she started to say. “Because I’m …”
“Yeah?” he asked. “Why, if money is power? Ifonlymoney is power? You think you’ve got no power in this deal because I’ve got money, and you don’t?Youexplain. Then why me?”
“I …” she started to say. “I figured … it was, I was just … eighteen. At the beginning. And this year, I figured … you’re my boyfriend.”
“So it’s fun.”.
“Well … yeah? But it’s more than that. I love you.”
“Do you?” he asked. “You sure?”
What?
* * *
Why the hellwas he pushing this? Why was he pushing itnow?It was eight o’clock on the night before the friggin’SuperBowl. In exactly an hour and a half, he needed to be in his own hotel, in his ownroom,climbing into bed. Discipline wasn’t just how he kept his job, it was how he lived his life.
Why did this matter so much?
He tried to say, “Never mind.” He tried to say, “We’ll talk about it later.” He couldn’t. He looked at Dyma, huddled up into herself on the bed, so sure she had to be on her own, that she couldn’t need anybody even after all the times she’d let herself need him, and he … couldn’t.
She didn’t stay on the bed. She jumped off it, walked to the window, pulled her hair back with both hands, and said, “I’m going crazy. No, I’m seriously goingcrazy.I can’t think.”
He didn’t get up. He didn’t tell her it was all right. “Yeah,” he said. “You can. Your mind is trying not to let you think, that’s all. That’s because something new’s trying to get in, and minds hate that.”
She sat down. On the floor this time. In her little black dress with the ruffle and the shoulder ties, her pretty legs pulled into herself again. That look she got, like she was about to kiss her knees. She lifted her face to him and said, “But I do need you.” Slowly, like it was a revelation. And the air leaked out of his body.
“Yeah?” he said. “How?”
“I need to know you … care. It’s not the presents. It’s like … what the presentsmean.When I’m sad, when I’m scared, I wrap up in my sweater-coat, and it’s like you’re holding me. And I want to …”
“You can say.” He wanted to head over there. He kept himself here.
“I want to come be with you for your games. I still don’t believe all that stuff about how I owe you sex whenever, and how you can’t take any responsibility at home,” she had to add, “but I want to be with you. To watch you, yeah, but also in case it … helps. Does it help? Knowing I’m there to watch?”
He was filled with helium. He was about to float away. “Yeah. It does.”
