Page 13 of Devil in Disguise
But it was more than that. Telling her no had hurt him this time. Hadn’t it?
It wasn’t a game, not to him. He was scared. She’d swear that was it. She always thought of him as so sure, so strong, but maybe she was wrong. Or maybe hewasstrong—because if there was one adjective she’d use to describe Owen, that was it—but nobody could be strong all the time. Maybe he needed a … spot. Maybe he neededherto be his spot.
She didn’t blame him for being dubious.Shewas dubious about that one.
Annabelle said, “Where did you get the boots?”
She’d forgotten about the boots. “Owen. They’re, uh …” She sat on the bed and pulled one off. “Something called Old Gringo. I’m guessing they’re fancy.” By which she meant “expensive,” but again—she didn’t think he’d given them that way, like she was his sugar baby. That was gross. It was theoppositeof what she wanted, and he had to know it.
He’d given them to her because they were beautiful, and because he’d wanted to dance with her, and not in the way they had at prom. In a way that meant something to him.
“They’re gorgeous,” Annabelle said. “So is that because he’s taking you to his ranch to ride horses? Or …”
Dyma said, “I have a feeling they’re too fancy for actually riding horses.” She didn’t tell Annabelle that Owen had never suggested she visit him at the ranch. He didn’t want to share that much, it seemed. Instead, she pulled the boot back on, because she didn’t want to lose the memory of him dancing her around the dock, and stood up. “So. Want to come?”
Annabelle said, “Sure.” Loyally, because it wouldn’t be that much fun for her.
It kind of sucked, being aware of other people’s feelings. It was like somebody had turned on the light, though, because she couldn’t miss them anymore.
* * *
The restof the evening kind of sucked, too. It made her nostalgic and a little sad, sitting on the picnic table by the lake with the friends she’d left a month ago, in the life she’d already left behind, all of them talking about college, about not being able to wait to leave home. With Annabelle silent beside her, because she’d had no choice but to leave home. Her father had been arrested for murdering the mother she barely remembered, and she’d left North Dakota forever and was living with her brother and his pregnant girlfriend, and being reminded right now that Dyma was going to be leaving soon, too, and then she reallywouldbe a fifth wheel, sort of … hanging around the edges until she went to college herself, while Harlan and Jennifer had their baby and started their new life. Feeling like part of the family, and probably … not.
Maybe it was thinking about Annabelle that was making her sad, or maybe it was feeling like a different person now, and still feeling like the old one, too, sitting here like she had on a hundred nights. Like she was shape-shifting back and forth, here and gone at the same time.
Yeah, she wanted to go to college. There was so much she needed to learn, and she burned to go ahead and learn it so she could use it. She was in a hurry. Nothing different about that. But she wasn’t dying to get away from her mom anymore. She was realizing, instead, how much she’d miss being able to come home every night and know that somebody cared that much about her. How she wouldn’t even be there when the baby was born, and how her mom was making a new family now. How much she missed her great-grandpa, too, now that he wasn’t at the dinner table every night, calling her “Miss Dynamite” and being proud of what he called her “spunk.” That he was eighty-five, he had a bad heart, and she was probably never going to live near him again.
He was going to be gone, like her grandma, with whom she’d been able to talk about anything. Like the night when smoking weed had made her jumpy and so paranoid, she’d wanted to crawl under a bed and hide, and she’d thought,What am I doing? What’s the point of this?and decided it wasn’t for her. How her grandma had listened to her explain that the next day and hadn’t judged, because, she’d said, “Hey, I made plenty of mistakes myself. I guess you can learn without making mistakes, but I never took that class.”
And then there’d been the time when she’d sneaked out of the house like she’d done a bunch of times before, to go to a party after her mom had said no, had drunk way too much, and had had to knee Warren Franklin in the balls to get away from him. How scared she’d been for those seconds when she couldn’t break free, and then how mad. How she’d gone after him while he was still bent over clutching himself, punched him in the kidney in the way her grandma had taught her, and then kicked him in the same spot once he’d dropped to his knees, just as hard as she could.
After that, when he was still groaning, she’d held him by the hair with one hand and raked his cheek with her fingernails, so he’dwearwhat he’d done.
She’d seen those scratches on him at school the next Monday, and the anger had flooded right back. She’d wanted to tattoo “RAPIST” across his forehead, and since she couldn’t do that, she’d charged up to him in the hallway between classes, backed him up against the lockers the same way he’d backed her into the corner in that bedroom, using his size to intimidate her, toimprisonher, and told him, in front of his friends, “So you know? I’ve reported you to the cops. You should worry. You shouldsweat.”
“Yeah, right,” Warren had said, trying to bluster his way out of it. “Because it’s a big deal to kiss a girl. I’m sure they’ve got the SWAT team outside right now.”
“No,” she’d said, her voice shaking. “Because it’s a big deal to try torapeher. Sure, they probably won’t do anything about it, and you’ll think you got away with it, just like all the times I bet you got away with it before. The report’s sitting there, though, waiting.” And when he still hadn’t looked convinced, had told him, the fury nearly spitting out of her along with the words, “But if I ever hear that you’ve forced a girl again, I won’t just wait for them to use that report. I’ll come after you myself. You think I hurt you this time? I will mess youup.My father went to jail for being a rapist. I’m willing to go there myself to stop one. Don’t try me.”
She’d glanced around, then, and told his friends, who’d stopped smirking and were looking shocked, while her heart beat too fast and her voice shook more with adrenaline and rage, “Same goes for all of you. Yeah, it wasn’t you who did it. Congratulations for nothing. Why aren’t you asking him who scratched his face? Why are you still hanging out with him, when you have to know what happened? He’s an asshole, yeah, but you’re all cowards. Do you have a mom? Do you have asister?No, you know what? It’s worse than that. Do you even have anydecency?Because decent guys don’t do this, and decent guys don’t ignore it when assholes do it, either. They don’t stand around and let a girl getrapedand think it’sfunny.”
She’d seen them look away. The overpowering rage she’d felt in that moment, and the triumph, and how she’d relived it all when she’d told her grandma that night. Like she was reliving it now.
Grandma hadn’t said anything about being careful, about not getting too drunk next time, just like she hadn’t the day before, when she’d taken Dyma to the cops to file that report. She’d figured Dyma could come to that conclusion by herself, and she was right. Instead, she’d laughed, hugged her hard, and said, “That’s my girl. You get ’em.”
Grandma had worried so much less about things than Dyma’s mom, which was why you could tell her. When Dyma had asked about that, her grandma had said, “My worrying got all used up, I guess, somewhere along the way. Life happens. That’s the main thing I know now. Life happens, and you deal. I figure you can deal.”
It was so much easier to deal, though, when you had Grandma’s hand to grab yours later while she listened, and Grandma’s rock-solid belief that you were a badass whocoulddeal. She touched the bracelet on her wrist, the one her mom had given her tonight, with its bands of wood and turquoise and antler and silver and the tiny diamond from Grandma’s ring embedded in it like the evening star, a light that would always be shining there for her, and realized it was the only piece of her grandma she had left. She had memories and a bracelet and an attitude, and that was all.
Her grandma had died, and she and her mom had moved on.
All the pieces of her life, everyone and everything that had made her, were spinning off into their own orbits, living their own lives. She was on her own trajectory, and she was on it alone. But you couldn’t leave people behind without leaving a part of yourself with them.
She listened to Fawn and Matt talk about robotics, pulled her phone out of her pocket, and texted Owen.
I think I get why you said no,she told him, before she lost her nerve.You want to know I’ve got something more than sex to offer. I think I do. Could you invite me to the ranch, when I get that time off from the donut place? I’d like to see it. I’d like a chance to show you.
She thought about promising not to pressure him, but she didn’t think lying was her best move here. And shewantedhim.
