Page 153 of Just One Look
Eighty-Minute Man
Lana left with Dave.Somehow, she looked younger tonight, at fifty, than she had at thirty-five, when he’d been putting her to bed after those drunken nights out. Or than she’d looked on those mornings after, when what he’d thought was a hangover, the way she’d stare down at her plate, was probably also shame. That she’d looked so hard for love, and all she had was this.
What kind of father lets his daughter grow up believing she’s not lovable?Elizabeth had asked. That was the shame. That was the weight.
Had he made women feel like that? That they weren’t good enough, that they weren’t lovable? He’d always thought he was straightforward, that his motives were clear. What had it felt like, though, not to get that text the next day? To have him be so attentive at dinner, in bed, and then not to hear from him again?
For some of them, it would have been casual, and it would have been enough. Not for all of them, though. Some of them would have felt the same way he had when Elizabeth had told him she was leaving, and if they did … they’d felt bad. They’d felt like Lana. Unlovable.
Used.
He’d thought he was protecting himself, but when you ran full-tilt into somebody else’s armor? That collision could hurt.
It was like looking at life the other way round, suddenly seeing the other side of a two-way mirror. It made him dizzy.
Their mum said, “I’m going to bed,” and left the kitchen without finishing her dinner, and nobody stopped her, even though it had barely gone seven. Gran watched her go, then sighed and said, “That’s enough dramas for one night, I reckon,” and got up to leave herself.
Luka stood up and said, “Gran. Can I kiss you?”
She looked at him, and as always, he couldn’t read that look. She said, “All right, then.”
He held her thin body in his arms, kissed the papery cheek, and said, “Thank you. For all of it. You’re a clever lady. I never realized how clever.”
In answer, she said, “I’m not givingyouthat money early, so don’t ask.” And he laughed and kissed her again.
Which left three of them in the kitchen. Him and Sofia. And Elizabeth.
Sofia said, “Washing-up,” and got up to do it, and Elizabeth jumped up to help her.
Elizabeth. Luka thought,How do I go to bed with her tonight?And couldn’t come up with an answer. He’d always thought he could do anything, but he couldn’t do this. Not in his childhood home, where he’d gone to sleep lonely on so many nights and not been able to name the feeling. Where he’d dreamed about a future in rugby, about being an All Black, so certain that if he could only have that, he couldn’t want anything more. And, later, had dreamed about being a husband. And maybe, some shadowy day in the future, a father.
Here and now, in his real life, Sofia had gone to her room, he was alone with Elizabeth, and the question was here. Elizabeth finished wiping down the benchtops, neat and precise with her yellow sponge, focusing on the task, then rinsed it out, put it away, and said, “That’s over, then. I’m glad for you, about the money, but I can’t help hoping that your mother’s OK. That was a blow, whatever she did, and I’m willing to believe she did plenty. And I think your sisters love you. I think they trust you, too. I know Lana does. Because you’re strong, of course, but it’s more than that. Because you have a good heart, a tender heart, and they know it.”
“No,” he said.
“Yes,” she answered. “You carried Lana to bed. You hated doing it, and you did it anyway, because seeing her hurting like that hurt you, and you needed to help. You didn’t hit back at Piper when you could have, either, because even after she betrayed you, you still cared. You knew she was fragile, and you protected her. When I saw you with her, and before that, too, when it happened. And how you were with me. How careful you were, always, and how kind. That’s what a good heart means. It’s not just how you feel, it’s what you do, and that’s you. You have a tender heart that can be hurt, but you don’t hurt back. Not at Piper. Not at your family. Not even at … at me. And I want you to know that. I want you to know that I … that I see you.”
Her eyes were shining, and as he watched, a tear spilled over. It was like that night in his bathroom, but it was nothing like it. He wanted to comfort her, and he couldn’t. She wanted to be lovable, maybe, but she didn’t want it from him.
He still had that anger. He couldn’t help it. Maybe later, he could be kind, but he couldn’t be kind now. If he talked, if this went on, hewouldhurt her, and despite the anger, he couldn’t bring himself to do that.
She drew in a breath and said, “I think you should take me to Whangarei. I’ll find a hotel room on my phone on the way, and take a bus home tomorrow. You don’t have to tell them what happened. Tell them I got called in to work. Tell them whatever you like. You probably have … things to sort out here. Things to ask. Things to say. Maybe you want to … I don’t know. Take your sisters out to the pub tomorrow. Start to change your story, because our stories can change, right? Nobody’s written the ending yet.” A twist of her mouth that was almost a smile. “Plot twist. That’s what I tried to do. Maybe I …” She looked away, though, and didn’t finish.
He said, “If you want to go.” He couldn’t do this anymore. His chest ached, and there was a buzzing in his body, like when you hadn’t slept, and you were so tired, you had that split-second of hesitation between thought and movement. Like your brain wasn’t firing right.
She’d know what caused that, he was sure. But he wasn’t about to ask her.
“I do,” she said. “Of course, it’s dark, and still raining, but …”
“Yeh,” he said. “I think I can drive in the rain.”
* * *
On second thought,Elizabeth thought and did not say, a quarter-hour later,maybe this was stupid.The drive to Whangarei would normally take, what? Twenty minutes? They’d been out here for ten, and they were nowhere close to halfway, because Luka was crawling.
The road was awash from the rain, which had started falling heavily again a couple of hours ago. That would normally have scared her, but she seemed not to have any more room for fear. Her emotions were freezing over while she sat here. She was the Snow Queen, with splinters of ice in her heart. And if she was alone, she’d chosen it.
Luka took another cautious corner and said, “Shit. We need to go back. River’s too high.”
