Page 164 of Just One Look
“Extremely well compensated,” he said, and now, they were both laughing. “Right. I won’t plan on a yacht, then. And when I can, whenever I can, I’ll followyou.”
“So is that a yes?” she asked.
“What’s the question?” he asked.
“Oh.” Now, shedidstop. “I don’t know.”
“I think,” he said, “that I do.”
* * *
You were meantto do this differently. You were meant to do itwell.It seemed, though, that neither of them had much of a blueprint for doing it well. They were two strangers in a strange land, blundering along, hands clasped, finding their way together. He rolled over, felt his neck remind him of his situation, switched on the light, and said, “I think we need to see each other for this.”
“O … OK,” she said. Tentative again. Christmas morning, and maybe there wasn’t a puppy in that box after all, no matter what you’d been promised and how much you’d longed for it. Maybe there was a new pair of PJs and a cricket bat and then Christmas was over, and you should never have expected more.
He said, “If you’re staying for me, if you’re here for me, you need to know that I’m here for you, too. You need a promise, and so do I.”
Her face was flushing. Her mouth was working. She had no words.
He tried to smile, but he couldn’t control his face, so he just talked and hoped for the best. “I know it’s too soon,” he told her. “I know we’re not doing this right, and your family and my family will say it’s mad. But I want you. I’m sure, and I’ve never been sure. I’ve never been close to sure. I want you, and I want …”
“Kids,” she said. “You want kids.”
He considered denying it, but what did they have but their honesty? “Yeh,” he said.“Akid, anyway. I thought—no. I thought, I won’t know what to do. I won’t know how to be. I didn’t have a dad. I didn’t have a stepdad, even. But I’ve realized something else, these past months, seeing Marko with Arielle. I’ve had coaches, and there’ve been some great ones in there. They give you a swift boot up the arse when you need it, and a hand on the shoulder when you need that. They don’t hang their players out to dry or leave them alone in the dark. They help them along. I know what I wanted, growing up, and I could be that. I coulddothat. It takes trying, but I know how to try.”
She seemed to be searching for something to say. He waited, his heart in his throat, because this could be the dealbreaker, and he’d have to decide if he was OK without it. If that was a bridge too far for both of them.
He’d still choose her, and he knew it. But he didn’t want to make that decision.
She said, “I want that. I came here because I needed a reboot. I needed to try my life again, and try it better. I want to try my childhood again, maybe, and I want to do it right this time. I don’t want to leave our baby alone in the dark. I want to hold her when she cries.” She was crying herself now, slow tears that she didn’t even seem to feel. “I want to love her through it.”
He had his arms around her, was kissing her forehead, because what else could he do? “We’ll have to juggle,” he said. “Which means you’ll have to juggle by yourself sometimes, if the coaching works out, and so will I.”
“The chief of surgery made a point on Monday,” she said, wiping away the tears with a corner of the bedsheet, “of telling me about the hospital’s generous benefits and leave policies. Including maternity leave. It’s a year, here. A full year, and half of it’s paid. It felt … it felt cruel, when he told me that. It felt like twisting the knife. But my career isn’t just about groundbreaking surgeries, or it shouldn’t be. If I stay in the U.S., though, that’s probably what it will be, because I know myself. And I want my career to be about everything. I want to be a surgeon, and I want to be a mother. If I can,” she added, because of course she did. “Women have about an eighty percent chance of conceiving in any given year from thirty-five to thirty-seven. After that, it drops off, and I’m already thirty-four. If you’re sure about the kids, or if you want more kids, you need to find one of those models instead of me.”
He couldn’t help it. He was laughing. “Nah. Reckon I’ll take my chances with you. Know what I want to do tomorrow?”
“Get steroid shots in your neck?” she asked.
“That too, because I’m still going to try to come back. I’m going to give it everything I’ve got, but it’s time to stop hiding, and it’s time to stop running from the truth. Sooner or later, this career’s over, and I need a new one. But first, before I think about that, I want to go shopping with you.”
She was sitting up straight. Sitting still. There were air holes in that box, and the lid was moving. “Good,” she said, “because maybe I want to buyyouclothes. Bet you never thought of that, huh?” Trying to be breezy, and she was so brave, she hurt his heart.
“You can do that,” he said. “But first, we’re going to a jeweler’s. A good one. The best one.”
“Luka.” She was laughing. That wasn’t good, right? Itfeltgood, though. What was wrong with what he’d said?
“You have toaskme,” she said. “You don’t get totellme.”
“Oh.” Now, he was laughing, too. “Bugger. I knew I’d stuff this up. Right. Do I kneel, or what?”
She waved a hand. She had the giggles again, like that time with her dad and the rest of them, out on her deck. “I’m so clueless,” she managed to say. “Do what you like.”
He was pretty sure he was supposed to kneel, so he did. On the bed. Naked. Probably wrong, but oh, well. He held her hand, and he started to talk. And once he started? He forgot that he was getting it wrong, because he wasn’t getting it wrong. He was getting it right.
“Elizabeth,” he said. “Elle. I never thought I’d do this. I never thought I’d come close. But with you—it’s been easy. It’s just … easy. I keep hearing that marriage is hard work, but I don’t think that’s right, not exactly. I think it may be easy work. Work that you love, work that you know is worth it, and that’s the kind of work I want to do. I’m going to get it wrong, and so are you. But you’re the one I want to get it wrong with, so we can work out how to get it right. I want to build something real with you, something we can hold on to forever. I want to build a family. So.” He took a breath, and he held her hand, and here he went. He was an eighty-minute man, and this was minute eighty. “I took one look at you,” he said, “and I think I knew, because I’ve been knocked off my pins ever since. And now I’m sure. I’m going to do my best for you. Wherever we go, whatever we do, you’ll get my best. You won’t get a perfect man, but you’ll get this man. You’ll get everything I’ve got. When we have the ring, I’ll ask you again, and I’ll ask you right. But I need to know. I can’t wait any longer to ask you. Will you marry me?”
Her hand was shaking in his, the same way it had been in those most emotional moments, when she’d been scared, and she’d been sad, and she’d been alone. But now, she was smiling. Now, she was crying, but then, so was he. Not much, but it was happening, and he couldn’t help it.
And he didn’t care.
“Yes,” she said. “It’s too soon, and I know it. It’s crazy, and I know that, too. But I’ve lived my life being safe, because I’ve been so afraid of what would happen if I stepped off the path. I’ve lived my life coloring inside the lines, and now? Now, I want to draw on a whole new piece of paper. I want to draw a big, messy, totally untalented picture of hummingbirds and flowers and bumblebees, and I want to do it with you. We’ve been specks of light, you know? We’ve thought we were fireflies, that we barely even glowed, but we’re not. We’re stars, and we can shine. We’re lovable, we’re worthy, we’re beautiful, and we can shine. So, yes, I want to marry you. I want to marry you, and I want to watch you shine. And I can tell you that there won’t be anybody prouder at that awards dinner, or the finish line of that race, or that trophy ceremony, or that physiotherapy whatever-it-is. There’ll be me, with my heart all the way open. Cheering for you, and loving you. Watching you shine.”
Which was wonderful. Which was perfect. So why did she look like she still had more to say? He said, “What?”
She laughed a little, then said, “But meanwhile … I’m starved, because I’ve barely been able to eat all day, my stomach’s been in such knots. I need eggs. Do you think you could go get Webster from my place while I fix them? I left him there alone, and I don’t want him to be alone anymore. He needs to be with us. He needs to be home.”
