Page 116 of Hell Bent
“Yes,” Sebastian said. “Want to sit in the back with me, Alix?” There were two sets of double seats back there, upholstered in the same cream leather as the rest of the furnishings, with a polished wood dining table in front of each, the whole thing sumptuous as can be.
“I’m sitting up here,” Ben announced, and dropped into one of the fourotherseats in the front, each of which was enormous and ultra-luxe. There was also a couch, with a fringed cream throw tossed over it. A couch. On a plane.
Boy, it would’ve been nice to have experienced this at, say, any other time.
“Suit yourself,” Sebastian told Ben. Ben pulled out his phone, and Sebastian joined me in the back, looking troubled and so weary as he sank into the seat beside me. I put a hand on his arm, he turned to me and tried to smile, and I choked up and said, “Oh, Sebastian. I’m so sorry.”
He said, “I just have to get through this. I can’t think about it now.”
“Like Ben,” I said, and he nodded, then looked away. I thought,At least I can be here,wished I knew what to say, and couldn’t think of anything. That was why I said, “Good job finding a way to get there faster, anyway. I’ve never been on a private jet, and my parents have money. Just saying.” The engines had spooled up, and we were taxiing, then lifting off, much quicker and more abruptly than I’d ever experienced it.It was like a rocket launching, and I hoped Ben was finding space in his mind to enjoy it a little. I wished he were sitting back here with us, too, but how did you make him?
Sebastian didn’t look any happier. In fact, now he looked grim. “That was Kristiansen. Got the jet.Paidfor the jet. He has one of those memberships. Fine, he arranged it, but he won’t send me the invoice, and I don’t even know how much it was.”
I said, “Maybe because he’s so well paid? Maybe it just feels like a favor or something, not like a big deal?”
Sebastian turned a furious face to me. “What, I can’t pay? I can pay!”
I said, “OK. OK.”
He sighed and ran his hand through his hair again. “Sorry. I just— it’s eating at me. Said something about karma, how he wanted to help. I’m nobody’s charity case.”
I said, “I know you’re not. He has to know that, too. Are you sure it isn’t just that he?—”
The flight attendant showed up at this point and said, “What can I get you to drink?”
“I don’t know,” I said stupidly, when Sebastian didn’t answer. “What do you have?”
She smiled. “Pretty much anything you’d like. Water, juice, soft drinks, coffee, tea, wine, beer, spirits. Just tell me.”
I said, “OK. Uh … wine, please. Red.” I knew how Ben had felt with that Laphroaig. If you couldn’t do anything to help and were stuck here with nothing good ahead of you, maybe you should just get drunk.
She said, “I have a very nice Cabernet, an even better Shiraz, and an excellent Oregon Pinot Noir.”
I picked the Pinot at random, and Sebastian said, “I’ll have a beer. Whatever you have that’s a microbrew. Please,” he added belatedly. Still completely shut down.
When she was gone, Sebastian said, as if I hadn’t spoken, “I don’t tell people how much money I have, because it’s nobody’s business. But I’m nowhere close to needing help to pay for this, and I can’t …” He looked out the window at nothing but darkness and drummed his fingers on his thigh. “I can’t do it.”
“OK,” I said. “This is probably dumb, antagonizing you when we’re stuck on this plane for hours, but I’m going to say it anyway. You’re being incredibly stupid.”
“Excuse me?” Boy, did he look mad now. All that I-don’t-get-involved laid-back manner stripped away, and his temper right there to see.
I said, “Harlan isn’t patronizing you. He wants to help. So does Owen. You could see it in both of them. It wasn’t about the money. It was about thehelp.Why can’t you accept any help? Do you really think that weakens you? You sayI’mstubborn and hard to help. What are you? I at leastletyou. Eventually, anyway.”
“It’s not the same,” he said. “I’m a?—”
I narrowed my eyes at him. “Let me guess. You’re a man.”
“Well, yeah. That’s how it is.”
“That’s ridiculous,” I said.
“So it’s wrong to want to be independent?” he said. “It’s wrong to make your own way? That’s not wrong. That’s being a man, and that’s who I am.”
“Oh, yeah,” I said. “That’s definitely being a man. Needing anybody is weakness, huh? Harlan’s your teammate. He’s your friend. They both are, him and Owen. It’s obvious. He knows you make enough to pay for this, and he wanted to do it anyway, because it’s what he can do. How much do you insult him if you insist on paying him back? Why can’t you just be a … a friend tohim,instead? For that matter, why is it OK for me to come with you? You’d better dump me in Portland. That way you can ride into town like a … like some guy in a Western. You’re the steely-eyed loner who saves the day, then rides out again to find the next town that needs you. That’s bogus. That’s amyth.That guy isn’t admirable, he’s tragic! He’salone.You told me about your dad dying and how alone you felt. Moving around, all those teams, having to start over again every time, because there’s nowhere you belong and nobody you belong to, and there never has been. So the answer is to domoreof that? Why? Because you think it makes you stronger? How?”
He was staring at me, of course. He said, “Because I—” and stopped. “I didn’t say it like that, like I was pitiful. I was fine. I’ve always been fine.”
“Yeah,” I said. “That’s what I figured. That’s some real emotional intelligence you’ve got going there. And you could think about the example you’re setting for Ben. You’re his role model now. You’re all there is. Do you really want him to grow up to be that same man? Really? Also, you’re ruining my first-ever ride on a private jet, and you haven’t even let me tell you how good you were today. I was feeling really loving. In fact, I used the word ‘love.’ In my head, but still.” The flight attendant came back with the drinks, and I said, “Thanks,” and told Sebastian, “You don’t want advice, but here’s my advice anyway. Get your head out of your butt. You’ve got about four hours to do it, so I’d start now.”
