Page 152 of Hell Bent
“I’ll get it when we get back,” she said, but her shoulders looked tense to me, like she saw the showdown coming.
I headed up into the hills, because I thought better when my heart was beating a little harder, and I thought Alix did, too. She didn’t say much until I was leading the way up the many steep sets of stairs that were the shortcut to the Forest Park, so I got it going. I’d thought all day about how to do this, and I still didn’t know, so I just plunged in.
“You were weird when I told you about the San Francisco thing,” I said. “I thought you’d be excited. What’s up with that?”
She actually stopped walking. I knew, because Lexi stopped, so I turned around. Alix said, “You honestly can’t think of a reason?”
“Is this a trick question?” The frustration I’d felt since the restaurant was right there. “I can’t read your mind. You’re going to have to tell me.”
“Because I love you!” It wasn’t some murmured confession. It was a shout, and her arm was waving, too. “How do you imagine I feel when you tell me you’re leaving me? I’m supposed to beexcited?Are you an actual lunatic?”
I could only stare at her. “What?”
“All right.” She was breathing hard, and not from the steps. “All right, youarethis clueless. I get you’ve had trauma and might not be fully … fully emotionally aware right now, or whatever, and you just played in the Super Bowl. I get it, OK? I know I’m not that special, too. I’ve never had any illusions about that. But it—” She stopped, breathed, and I thought she was trying to hold back some tears. “But it hurts.” It was almost a whisper.
Alix was always tough. Always. Even when she was hurting. And I couldn’t stand this. Unfortunately, I was also mad. I said, “What are youtalkingabout? Why would I be leaving you? Me? When have I ever—ever—made you think that?”
“Excuse me? When you talked about going back toSan Francisco?In case you haven’t noticed, I live in Portland!”
I heard something behind me, and Lexi was tugging on the leash. I turned around, and there was a guy in running clothes coming down, looking impatient. I said, “Sorry,” and stepped to one side, taking Lexi with me when she would have done her “Hi, hi,hi”thing to her new friend.
The guy said, “You’re Sebastian Robillard.”
I did not need this. “Yeah,” I said. “Hi.”
Alix muttered, “You’re kidding.” I agreed.
“Good job yesterday,” he said.
“Thanks,” I said, and fortunately, he started running again. I told Alix, “We can’t talk like this. Let’s go to the top of the steps and sit down.”
“I understand you’re a hero,” she said. “I’m proud of you. I couldn’t be more proud. But it—I can’t do this.”
“But wearedoing this. Come on.”
She said, “This is so not the time for your bossy NFL persona.”
“You’re wrong,” I said. “It’s exactly the time for that. Come on.”
Four more flights of steps, and I sank onto the top one and said, “Come sit with me.”
“Fine,” she said, and did it. “I realize I’m not being entirely rational,” she added after a moment. “But I turned down that project engineer job last Wednesday. I gave notice, too. I’m officially out of a job, because I had a whole plan. I’m not going to be proud. I’m going to tell you that this is a major blow. And I realize—” Some more deep breaths. “Irealizethat we’ve only been together a few months, and that’s obviously not long enough. But it’s felt long enough to me, OK? I was on the rebound, though, so maybe?—”
I put my hand over her mouth.
She glared at me, so I took it away and said, “Sorry. But could you shut up for a minute and let me talk?”
A wave of her hand, and I said, “In what universe wouldn’t you realize what I was saying when I told you about the San Francisco idea?”
“In this universe.” She was still glaring. “If you’re explaining, that’s not an explanation.”
“Cast your mind back to our last conversation about the future,” I said. “Yourfuture. When you were telling me aboutStanford, and about your grandmother. I looked it up, and Stanford’s number three for electrical engineering. Berkeley’s number two, but you already got into Stanford, so silly me, I figured you might want to go there. MIT’s number one, and the Patriots are probably going to be looking for a kicker, but that’s even farther from your family. Jump in any time here.”
She had her mouth open, but she wasn’t jumping in. I said, “That changes the picture, doesn’t it? You keep saying how I’ve stepped up, how I’ve been solid. What part of ‘solid’ would it be to walk out on the woman who’s helped me feel something again?”
She still had her mouth open. I said, “I don’t care about ‘too soon.’ You love me? Well, I love you, too. I don’t care how many months it is. I love you.” I probably still sounded mad. Too bad. “And I’m just going to say this, OK? I’ve been numb for thirteen years. I thought I was fine, but I was just numb. But these last few months? Sometimes I’d have loved to be numb again, because being alive hurts, but I don’t have a choice. I can’t go back, and I don’t really want to. I’ve gone through my life afraid even to think about what I want, just trying my best to make it wherever I’ve ended up, but being alive means wanting things, and I want this. I want a team I can call mine. I want Ben. I want Lexi. And I want you.”
She said, “You do?” Not her brightest moment either, I guessed.
