Page 70 of Hell Bent
“No. Finish school. Go to college. You’re smarter than me. You can do better than me.” He breathed, then added, “Not have to join the military.”
I wanted to say,How? You realize I’ll be in foster care, right? And that there’s no money? What happens when I turn eighteen and they kick me out? What am I going to do then?I couldn’t say that, though, because if I did, I’d start spiraling again. I thought instead,I’ll figure it out. I’ll figure something out,and slammed the door on the whole thing.
“Promise me,” he said, his hand gripping me harder. “Promise me.” Then shifted in bed and winced, which meant he needed more pain meds, so I got them for him.
I never did promise him. When he lost consciousness the next week, when he moaned and thrashed and I was waking up from my spot on a mattress on the floor, sitting beside him, holding his hand, talking about soccer, talking about anything, wishing I knew what to do—did I tell him then? Did I ease his mind?
No. Because I couldn’t lie. Maybe that was wrong, but I couldn’t do it.
I’d been there, though, until the end. That had to count. It had to be enough, because it was all I’d had to give.
Ben came in then, that blind look in his eyes that I knew too well, and said, “Mom fell asleep.” Then just stood there, looking lost. Because death was here, and it was real.
“OK.” I thought,He needs you. You need to be what he needs.I took a step, opened my arms, and said, “Hey. Hey, now. Hey.”
His face worked, and it hurt me inside. Ithurt.In my chest. In my throat. I didn’t think anymore. I just wrapped my arms around him and pulled him in.
He cried for just a minute against me, then pulled away and turned from me, and I wished there was something I could say that would make it better and knew that thing didn’t exist. Then we found a couple of suitcases and packed his clothes. After that, I went and talked to Solange, she tried her best to focus on me, and I tried my best to focus on Ben. And on not panicking.
And every bit of it hurt.
28
EVERYBODY NEEDS
Alix
I focused on the work that Tuesday, grateful to have it. Reading blueprints, giving out assignments, checking work. A kink in the wire off one of the spools, because somebody hadn’t been paying attention. Wiring a new connection at the substation, because I trusted myself more than anyone else in these conditions. It was cold today, and windy, too, and I had to slip hand warmers into my gloves before attempting it. In the afternoon, Carlton slipped getting down into the trench and came up hobbling, and I sent him to the medical office under care of Artie, since I was just as glad to be rid of Artie for a while. Guess who’d messed up that wire?
Was I still achy myself? Not too bad, because the IV meds had helped, and so had the Tylenol I was popping every few hours. If I thought about anything, I thought about waking up beside Sebastian at five o’clock yesterday morning, seeing his bare shoulder and arm outside of the duvet, because he’d been sleeping with his hand on my side. His lashes lying dark against his olive skin, a scruff of beard darkening his jaw, and his body radiating that warmth.
I tried to move quietly as I slid out from under his arm, but he stirred, then blinked the amber eyes at me as they sharpened quickly into awareness, and I was reminded of a wolf raising his head, instantly alert, poised for action.
He didn’t ask, “How are you feeling?” like I’d feared. He said, “Good morning.” And smiled that slow, sweet smile. His smile did something funny to my heart, because there was something happening in my chest. How could you feel a man in your chest? A man you’d barely even kissed?
“Good morning,” I said, then got on a hand and knee and leaned over to kiss his cheek, heedless of my morning breath. “Thanks for last night. You were great.”
“I was, wasn’t I?” he said, and I laughed. A jingle of tags, and Lexi came in. She stuck her muzzle on the foot of the bed again, wagged her tail, and looked at Sebastian longingly, and he said, “Oh, forget it. Jump up.” Which she happily did, curling herself against his side. And then emitted an odor so foul, it had both of us gasping.
“I’ll take her out,” I said. “I hope it’s soon enough.”
“Not as much as I do,” Sebastian said, climbing out of bed fast. He was wearing nothing but a pair of navy-blue boxer briefs, and I forgot about Lexi for a minute, because, well …
I should say I looked at his wolf face, but I didn’t. I stared at his thighs. Thick with well-defined muscle, dusted with dark hair. His calves were just as powerful, but somehow, I wasn’t looking at those. I was looking at his thighs, and his hips, and …
He said, “Sorry,” and grinned. “It’s morning.”
“Oh!” I realized where I’d been staring and hastily moved my gaze upward, which wasn’t much better. Abs, with a whole bunch more of that muscle definition and the diagonal line of muscle slanting down toward the spot I’d just been studying. Bare chest and shoulders. Not pumped up like he’d been in the gym, just … strong. Fit. And, frankly, beautiful.
I said, “I’m kind of sorry I fell asleep so fast last night. My first night sleeping with you, and I didn’t evenseeyou. You’re very good-looking.”
He laughed. “So are you.”
“Oh, yeah, in my clothes from yesterday. Why do you have to look that good waking up?”
“Well, I won’t deny that I’d rather see you as naked as me. If you’d like to get that way …”
Which was when another powerful wave of hot-sauce-induced dog flatulence wafted over. That’ll interrupt your tender moment. Besides, we both had to go to work.
