Page 119 of Of Vows and War: Special Edition
But no. I was still broken.
“Asher, you have to stop!” A deep voice, not soothing or soft like I knew it to be.
“No, Ranbir, let Sterling talk! Shah, get ready!” My sweet, beautiful best friend. Oh how I hated her right then.
“Okay, fine. Asher, Sterling is here. I have to heal these. You have to let me or I will force you.” Ranbir again. Of course he would—
Wait, heal me?
No!
“No, stop! Do not touch me!” I screamed, shoving at them. Cool hands grabbed my face, and suddenly my eyes were open and staring into a set of lovely brown ones speckled with green.
“I am here. I have you,” Sterling said. His smile was full of heartbreak, his eyes shining with tears.
“They are trying to take my scars, Sterling. Please do not let them do this,” I sobbed the words out, begging the boy in front of me to help. The only one who could possibly understand what it was like to not know what was real and what was fake. But I saw the slackening of his face that signaled he would not stop them, and I knew that I was alone in this.
“Nicola is going to help you, I promise,” he said, his fingers still cold on my face. My body seemed to deflate at his words, Ranbir’s power burning its way through me until I was disgustingly bare once more.
Sterling pulled me into him, hugging me close, his deep accent coming out stronger as he sang softly in my ear. The words were foreign to me, Maliha’s tongue one I did not know. Still, I felt the truly tragic meaning as he continued to sing. My heart slowed, my mind settling as Sterling’s song came to a close.
Shah’s face came into view, the sorrow there twin to my own. To all of ours. We had each suffered more than we cared to admit.
“Hey, almost queen, how are you feeling?” she asked. I nearly chuckled at her words, the odd nickname ironic but true. It seemed like forever ago that I claimed myself a queen in her castle. Tomorrow, I would become one in truth.
“Ash,” Nicola cut in, kneeling down next to Shah. “I know you are in pain. If I could take that away I would. But I do have a plan to help.”
A plan? What could possibly help other than my scars? They did not understand. Of course not. How could they? It was nearly impossible to explain how much it hurt to not know what was real and what was false—to describe the agony of torture and manipulation.
“You are fully healed, so I am going to go. I think you deserve as much privacy as possible right now.” Ranbir squeezed my shoulder once before nodding and standing to leave. I did not speak to him, not wanting to take my anger out on the Healer who was just doing what he thought was best.
“I made him come, Ash,” Nicola whispered. “Do not blame him.”
I faced her, seeing the truth of her words on her face as she looked at me with sad eyes. The pity there was unbearable. Idid not want to be this disastrous version of myself. More than anything, I just wanted to be whole again. I thought of who I had been during my birthday party, those few hours having been some of the best of my life. Why could we not turn back time? Live in those moments for a bit longer so I might recall what it was to be better?
Shah began moving, her hands grabbing and arranging items I could not make out in the faint candlelight.
“How about this: you tell Shah where each of your scars were and what they looked like, and she will tattoo them back on.” I whipped my head back towards Nicola, my hair hitting Sterling in the face and causing him to begin hacking heinously.
“Gods above, Ash. Your hair is attacking me!” The sound of him spitting out pieces of my hair was quickly followed by Shah’s laughter.
“You can leave, I think we have this. Go find Bellamy. Might as well tell him, I imagine he will want to sit outside of the door and make sure she is okay,” Shah said, her tone one of exasperation. She was probably quite tired of my antics by now. That, or she truly understood and felt the same exhaustion I did.
“I will see you tomorrow,” Sterling said against my hair, likely having lost the battle to it and willing to suffer longer to tell me goodbye. Then, after he hugged me tighter and hummed for a few more moments, Sterling got up and left too.
With just Shah, Nicola, and I left, I was forced to acknowledge what they were offering. Tattoo my scars back on. Would that be the same? Would black versions look right? I thought of Bell’s magic and how the sight of the black lines haunted him. What would he think of my new tattoos? I did not want to be a source of pain for him. Nor did I think that it would be anything but artificial in my eyes.
“They will not be the same,” I said, watching as what I now knew was a bottle of ink was placed on the side table byShah. Nicola’s face softened, her eyes large and round as they scrutinized me.
“You know, I do not always choose what I see. In fact, the future and past are often thrust upon me without my consent. But when I saw this, I knew there had to be better options. You were bleeding yourself out, Ash. You could have killed yourself.” Sighing at my best friend’s words, I turned away, not wanting to look at either of them while I was called out for my stupidity. “I searched for other futures, and I saw this. The first option was using black ink, but you eventually cut into them again because they did not feel real enough. So I sought out something else, not in the future, but from Shah.”
“Did you know tattoos do not have to be black?” Shah asked, a smirk on her face as she handed me the glass jar. I took it gingerly, my hand shaking slightly from the overwhelming emotions that invaded me. It was not black ink that swirled inside of it. Instead, it was the most lovely shade of tan, the color showing the barest hint of peach—twin to the shade my scars had been.
“Farai told me you called your scars your story,” Nicola murmured, her voice soft and soothing. I felt a single tear roll down my cheek, the truth of what they were about to give me settling into my chest. “Are you ready to rewrite it?”
After a few deep breaths, I nodded.
“Okay then, where do we start?” Shah asked, rubbing her hand up and down my arm.
